Emotionally Unavailable Man- Why you should leave that Situationship

Things I learned dating one.

He seems like an incredible guy- tall, charming, intelligent, and a great career. My thoughts as he was dropping me back home after our first date.

He was a coding genius and I was drawn to his intelligence. We started dating and I felt elated to have finally met someone with whom I not only had great chemistry but it was fun to hang out with.

Life was amazing! I would finish up work, take an Uber and meet him for dinner almost every other day and then we would drive around the city with some nice music playing, talk, laugh, and have a nice time.

A month in, we decided to go exclusive and not see anyone else but soon things started spiraling downward. Little did I know, a heartbreak was right around the corner.

He said he didn’t like talking on the phone and so I could never call him. Most of our conversations were over texts. We talked about past relationships and on one of our dates, he told me a painful story about his ex. The key takeaway was — he had commitment issues.

At this point, I was in love with the idea of this man being my partner. I just couldn’t abandon my dream so what did I do- I thought I will love him and support him and surely, he would realize what a wonderful woman I am!

The Project

I set out on my mission to fix the guy. If he wasn’t feeling well, there I was sending him homemade food, of course, I knew what his favorite dishes were! If he was having a bad day and wanted to hang out, I would make time for that. If he needed emotional support or just a good laugh or some validation to boost his ego- I would do just that. I juggled between being his therapist, doctor, cook, girlfriend, and I don’t know, maybe, mother?!

I would get to spend time with him on the weekend. That’s what I got in return for all the effort I put in and as crazy as it sounds, I used to crave hanging out with him. We would have romantic dates and he would give me the quality time I so badly wanted. We would have a great time when we were together but the next day, things wouldn’t be the same.

He started pulling away. Taking a rain check on dates. His work demanded longer hours. Being around people was draining so he needed more space. He was sick. Again.

It was like he’s there but is he?

When I needed someone, just to be there or to talk to or even just give me a suggestion on which laptop to buy or to check on me when I’m down with the flu- he made sure he was consistently — UNAVAILABLE.

I found myself questioning if I was being too needy. Was it too much if I wanted to see him over the weekend? Was it okay to show how much I liked him or would that push him away even more? Could I open up about how I felt about this relationship?

Slowly but surely, I started questioning my self-worth.

Maybe, I just wasn’t good enough.

Loneliness …

I began to realize that I was working so hard to earn his love. I had become this incredibly tolerant, caring, nurturing person who would support him and you know, be there for him and put up with all his unpredictable behavior. My God, I couldn’t even recognize myself. Where did the bitch in me disappear!!? Where was my short temper and intolerance??

My God, I couldn’t even recognize myself. Where did the bitch in me disappear!!?

It slowly dawned on me that the only reason I was not walking away from this mess was that— it was either this or being single again. My mind associated being single with loneliness and that seemed traumatizing. I convinced myself that enduring this pain was easier than being lonely. At least, there were occasional highs in this relationship which I so desperately needed. And everyone has issues, right? One cannot expect their partner to be perfect, can they?

Here I was madly in love with a guy, willing to do whatever it took and hoping that someday he would magically pop the question and commit to a relationship.

I convinced myself that enduring this pain was easier than being lonely.

Six months later he broke up because he was sure he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

Why it was Toxic…

Any relationship that constantly makes you feel like you are not good enough is not worth it.

If you have to change into a different person to be accepted. If you feel the relationship will end, the moment you express your needs. If you keep bending over backward to keep it together and your partner doesn’t lift a finger. If your emotional needs aren’t being met. When you can’t be yourself. When only a part of you is accepted and you hide the other half because you know that will spell rejection. When you don’t have any clarity on where the relationship is headed.

In this endless battle to prove that I am worthy of a title, a long term commitment, I was gradually eroding my self-esteem.

A relationship that wears away at your self-worth, making you feel that you are unlovable is not healthy for you and is unsustainable. It is exhausting and leaves you DRAINED.

You deserve someone who loves you and demonstrates it, not someone who leaves you guessing. You need a relationship where you can be yourself and can openly communicate your needs and have your boundaries respected. If you catch yourself thinking ten times before texting him and playing games to get his attention, you are definitely not in a healthy relationship.

A relationship is where two flawed people come together and aren’t afraid to be vulnerable and have a deep sense of being accepted for who they are.

If you are in such a situationship, I encourage you to take the decision which is more self-loving, and sometimes that is to walk away.