Emotionally the Me I wish to Be

Monday → how to reclaim emotional intimacy

Living alone during Covid19, I was more isolated from people and the world than most others. Three weeks after returning from my first trip to visit my brother we went into full lockdown. I didn’t even have the pool as an emotional and physical outlet. I went to the store only when needed. It was not even once a week.

Zoom chats became a thing. They didn’t make me feel less alone. The nature of them felt too business-like. To need to schedule a chat with someone and click on a link in an email took all intimacy out of the process for me. I personally prefer Skype or WhatsApp video chatting because it can be more spontaneous. I had a few regular video chats a week that I had already been having with people I previously had taught English to. I was in contact with several friends through texts or private messaging of some kind.

Like most people, I didn’t have a mask when this all started. I made my first mask and finally was able to buy some. I used it when I left my house to shop. I then started to walk. My walks were usually between forty-five and sixty minutes. I usually saw a few people on my walks and also started to photograph sunrises. My first foray into any kind of social interaction or intimacy was seeing how many waves, smiles, or hellos I could get on my walks. There was a very friendly beagle that would run away from her Humom to great me. My walks did start to create a desire for beauty and intimacy. I would look for the sunrise, look for and listen for birds, squirrels, rabbits, and ducks.

This period of Covid19 had me also return to the pool with restrictions easy a little by June. I kept walking but extended my wishing to get a positive interaction to people at the pool. Private messaging and sending pictures back and forth kept me in touch contact with close friends in Europe and other parts of the United States. The result of all this is that the people that I was in contact with were even more important. I more openly talked about how much I cared for them and how I missed them. I became more authentic and genuine with my feelings and emotions. The thought of hugging a friend I hadn’t seen in over a year was a thought in almost every conversation I had.

One thing that the pandemic did for me is to heighten what it meant to miss somebody. Before last year they were words that you said, but you finally discovered the meaning of them. I have friends that are huggers. They went months without a hugger from their inner circle family. The definition of caring for many turned into physical respect of social distance spacing. Now you stayed away from people outside of you bubble to show how much you cared for them. This is not probably true for people reading that are significantly younger or that didn’t have the preexisting health issues that I have. It didn’t take fear of the virus to see what statistically was happening in your age group with medical conditions that you had.

I started writing regularly in KTHT. I started reading, highlighting, and responding to virtually every KTHT post. This more than anything else got me back in touch with the person I wished to be. I gave my honest thoughts and feelings about the articles that I read. I thanked people for the courage of being raw and vulnerable. I felt free to just be myself. I took their raw honest words to mind and heart.

The faster our family grew the more practice I got in expressing my authentic self. I felt totally free with people. I let people know how dear they were to me for their thoughts, words, and ideas. We are scattered around the globe but this group became family. I received sincere thanks from people. I started to get more responses and encouragement to be myself in my writing. I felt safe to heal and grow.

This started to spread into my own world. I started to be more authentic. I was intentionally positive, not just because it was my nature but because I wanted to be a beacon of light in the day-to-day world I lived in. The more positive and genuine I was the better I felt. Fellow KTHT writers and readers encouraged me to just be me. The world now sees the person that you read and interact with. I do not hide what I do. Even as intimate and raw as some of my articles are, I let anyone read them and discuss them that wishes to do so. My poetry is a new side of me that freely express my feelings and emotions. They see a different part of me than they did before. It is very well accepted. All see it as me growing. My creative side and emotional side have a new outlet. The pandemic and KTHT have helped me reclaim and become the person I wish to be each day.

Peace be with you