Emotional Morning Commute: My Birthday Panic Attack
This morning I broke down in tears whilst driving to work.
Actually, that doesn’t quite cover it. I was full on hyperventilating. Breathing heavy. Shallow. Words stuck in my throat. My hands l shaky. Surrounding sounds dimmer, muted.
What had brought on such emotion on a typically pleasant 30 minute drive to work?
An audiobook.
I recently took out a 30 day free trial of Audible. I’d get two free audiobooks and not have to pay a penny. Keen to bag a bargain, I snapped that up.
The dizzying array of audiobooks to choose from had me paralysed and unable to choose. So much choice. Eventually, I settled on Soldier Spy an autobiography by Tom Marcus a former spy for MI5.
Several chapters, and a few hours, later I was listening to the final chapter whilst on my commute. Happily, I’d so far had a good morning having been treated delightfully by my partner for my birthday (I must add she often, if not always, treats me so but my birthday gave her extra reason to).
Tom goes on to describe how he was diagnosed with PTSD following months of symptoms. I found myself relating all too well to the symptoms and scenarios he described. Fortunately for him, his employer spotted the signs and referred him for help in the form of EMDR therapy.
I have previously written about my own experiences of EMDR and thought it had been a relatively positive experience. However, the more I listened to his story the more I related to his experiences.
Before I knew it, a combination of his PTSD symptoms and his experiences of being treated with EMDR had me in a full blown panic attack. I hastily pulled over the car and attempted to get a grip on my breathing. I managed to choke out to Siri to call my partner and, perhaps unsurprisingly, from my shaky breathing she thought I’d crashed the car. Eventually, listening to her voice grounded me and I was able to continue safely on to work.
I arrived at work puffy eyed, dry mouthed and emotionally exhausted. As I exited the car, a colleague waved and yelled over “Happy Birthday!”
What a happy birthday indeed I thought. No more audiobook for me, at least for the time being!
Read about my own experience of EMDR therapy: