Emotional Dumping: Learn the Escape Route
I came across this term very recently when I experienced an intense emotional splatter from a friend. Her text messages would initially sound so harmless and pleasant but by the third message the splatter would start hitting me.
Often it was not even about her — it was about so and so in her office going through such and such problems and…wait, why was she in it? What was her role? And why was I listening to that?
Or it could be the tenant in her apartment with some new issues and she would dump it all on me and ask for solutions! Initially, I used to suggest some solutions, and then eventually realised that whatever I suggested fell on deaf ears and she kept dumping her emotions about the tenant on me. It was sickening that I had to free up some mind space to think of a solution for her problems and they were just ignored.
I became very disturbed as it was getting too intensive each day that I decided to surf the Net to find out more on this. Why was I going through such turmoil over mattes that were not even related to me? What I found out was literally mind-blowing as that was what I was experiencing:
Emotional dumping is an act of unconsciously sharing your feelings or perspective without an awareness of the other person and their emotional state or needs. It typically occurs as a heightened reactive response to a triggering event that is re-lived and repeated within a conversation. There is no open feedback, no desire for a solution, and most often, a one-sided conversation.
I am adding a line — sometimes it is done intentionally as an escape route to an unpleasant event. So what, dump it on someone else!
For me, that was scary, very scary because throughout my life I have had friends who did emotional dumping on me that messed up my own mind space. Some people would do it under the pretext that they are sharing their feelings to unburden themselves. In that act of unburdening, they dump all their emotions on you and leave you gasping for air. Others would draw you into their problem by seeking your input and action, but eventually ignore your contribution, after you have wasted your mind space thinking on their behalf or for them.
There are those who did reverse emotional dumping and then keep an emotional check on you — within their grasp because as long as you were entangled in whatever they were dumping on you, you are not going anywhere. See the point?
It is like this. You share some emotionally charged events with a friend. The friend listens and the call ends. Sharing the event, not dumping, to get the episode off your chest to make you feel a lot better afterwards.
Then just when you think you could breathe a little, the friend calls back and starts revisiting and repeating the trigger events from the ended conversation into a new conversation. It was like opening a closed wound. What do you think would happen afterwards? The wound deepens, leaving you with more pain than the intensity at the beginning. Afterwards, it becomes an emotional pain that just would not go away and your friend calls regularly, to reignite it when it starts tapering off. That way, that friend of yours ensures your emotions are within his/her/their grasp — emotional control. Geez!
If someone does that to you and at that juncture you do not counter them, you are done. The ideas would be firmly planted in your mind and probably you will need to spend your money going to a therapist after that.
It has been years of tolerating such emotional dumpings and controls that I have found a few ways to avoid them:
- Be honest and tell the dumpers off
If you do not say it, it will continue. Learn to tell them off. You have to, for the sake of your sanity. Some may break off the friendship. Ask yourself what would you lose if the friendship breaks. If the answer is nothing, spare no moments. Tell the person off before he/she/they get to you. Your peace and sanity is more valuable than someone else’s emotional outburst.
I have told off the friend who dumped her insecurities on me before. Out of the blues, I received a voice note saying no one loved her and that she was lonely. What? Well, I was at the end of my wits hearing that from a woman who had crossed half-century. If love happens at fifty, well and good. Otherwise, be thankful for whatever that came by and live in gratitude till life runs out. That was exactly what I told her.
2. Avoid responding to messages that seem like emotional dumping
The first message usually would be pleasant — how are you, babe? Then if you answer, “I am great, how about you?” and you receive a reply that sounds “You know, I am not good at all,” time to stop responding.
We are good people, we do not ignore someone who says “I am not good.” Believe me, if you do not stop there, whatever positive state of mind you were in and the mind space that you had to do some positive things would be gone in a jiffy!
If you are really a noce person, tell the other person that you will continue the comversation later.
3. Block the person on your communication device (s)
Pretty extreme move but think about it. How much of yourself will you sacrifice to accommodate someone’s emotional problems which are not your battle?
I have blocked a number of friends in the past. As long as you do not hear them, you can preserve your sanity.
I was in my thirties when I met a guy through a work related meeting. Initially, it was just a formal conversation but eventually, it became too much to handle, too many emotions flying over from him. I did the smartest thing — I blocked him.
4. Refer them to a therapist
Actually, it is not your responsibility. This is the subtle art of telling someone that you do not have the time and mind space for them. If they need support, a therapist may be a better person to help them.
At times, we think that we should be there for our friend, however, think about yourself, too. You need peace to live your life and becoming free therapist should be the last thing in your list.
5. Go into a witness state
This is easier said than done. Going into the witness state means extracting oneself from the conversation and looking at things from an outsider perspective. In other words, one that receives the emotional dumpings should look at the issue from afar and suggest solutions. The solution should be something that does not require any commitments from the suggester.
Attaining the witness state is not an easy feat. It requires one to be very objective when looking at an issue devoid of emotions.
6. The Other Escape Route
Over the years I have learnt one tactic that worked well for me. If I receive a potentially `dumping’ message, I would not even look at it till I have some mind space to spare. Imagine this. A bright and sunny day. You are on your way to work, all cheerful and then comes the emotionally charged text message. You do have an option on either to read or ignore it for the moment. Ignoring for the moment till your day has well-settled is always the better option.
After all, what is life without some peace and mind space?
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