Emotional Abuse: The Hidden Trauma That Creatively Blocks Us

Here are three steps to move through emotional trauma.

Emotional abuse sucks; it damages our souls. It insidiously makes us feel small and unworthy. It causes trauma that diminishes our wellbeing. Emotional trauma keeps us from expressing our fullest creative selves.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was a victim and am now a survivor of emotional abuse, from family members, partners, friends, and managers. It was often subtle, hidden, and I mostly felt I somehow deserved it. I have spent years working on myself to have healthy relationships and to finally feel good enough.

I want to share with you some of my learnings and experience in:

1. Identifying emotional abuse
2. Healing from emotional abuse
3. Seeing the silver lining

Emotional abuse is often hidden and does not receive the attention it deserves for the pain it causes. We all need nurturing relationships and environments to thrive. If your environment does not serve you, it may be time to walk away.

1. Identifying emotional abuse

Notice how you feel after spending time with someone. Do you walk away feeling uneasy, diminished, drained, confused, or “down”? Do you feel afraid to bring up issues because of self-doubt or fear of someone else’s response? If yes, you may be experiencing emotional abuse.

Sometimes emotional abuse seems obvious, i.e. someone yells at you, calls you hurtful names, or frequently criticizes you. However, emotional abuse also happens in subtle ways and from people who seem to care about us. We need to tap into our intuition to identify emotional abuse.

“Poisonous relationships can alter our perception. You can spend many years thinking you’re worthless… but you’re not worthless, you’re unappreciated.” — Steve Maraboli

Listening to your emotions and trusting yourself are keys to seeing the abuse. People often do not realize how they are being harmed because they rationalize others’ behaviors, stop trusting their internal responses, and start believing that they somehow deserve it. You do not need to be a mental health professional to know something is wrong; you only need two things:

1. Awareness of your emotions
2. Trust in your intuition

I recently identified, with the help of my therapist, a covert narcissist with who I had a close relationship. Most people are vaguely familiar with overt narcissism, where people are highly self-centered and challenging to be around. Covert narcissists, however, tend to seem humble and very kind to people around them. The abuse is typically only apparent to those who are close to them, i.e. family members, partners, close friends.

This realization felt like overwhelming light bulbs going off and finally some clarity around the sense of brokenness I had been feeling. There was nothing wrong with me, I had just been insidiously abused for years. This discovery has been one of the most freeing and painful realizations of my life.

2. Healing from emotional abuse

First, you need to start setting healthy boundaries and creating autonomy for yourself. Many were never taught to set healthy boundaries. To have healthy relationships, we have to be concrete about what is okay and what is not okay, what we are and are not responsible for.

For example, it may feel okay for a friend to vent about their boss, but it may not be okay for that friend to start criticizing you and your work. You are responsible for your behavior, but you are not responsible for someone else’s emotions.

Second, your need to educate yourself on the topic and explore what seems to be happening. Do your research and seek professional help as needed.

I spent a long time hoping I was wrong, and that I could somehow fix the situation I was in. Doing extensive research on the topic helped me to validate my experience and to process through the details of what happened.

Third, let yourself feel the pain of what you are experiencing. We are often taught to neglect unpleasant emotions, i.e. pain, sadness, depression. Only when we allow ourselves to fully experience the emotion can we begin to process, heal, and experience joy in our lives.

Note: Numbing feels like an easy out. You want to push away the unpleasant emotions, but you cannot selectively numb, you numb all emotions. Be gentle with yourself and ease out of any numbing behaviors, i.e. excessive TV, over-eating, over-drinking, drugs, etc.

3. Seeing the Silver Lining

Victims and survivors are very strong, intelligent, and highly empathetic humans. Sadly, victims often develop low self-esteem and self-worth because of how they were treated. Ironically, victims are chosen because they have something that the abuser wants, they serve as an energy source.

Surviving emotional abuse gives you a sort of superpower to be a blessing for yourself and others. Survivors are highly aware, intuitive, energetic, intelligent, and have a deep capacity for love.

Survivors walk away with a new depth and wisdom.

Survivors walk away with a new depth and wisdom. I feel grateful to have identified the emotional abuse at this stage in my life. Many others are not as lucky. For anyone struggling with toxic relationships, here are a few keywords to explore:

• Gas Lighting: When someone lies, makes you question yourself, and slowly leads you to fear for your own sanity. This experience is often subtle and gradually disorienting for the person on the receiving end.
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): When someone sees others as an extension of themselves, lacks empathy, and feels a deep, often unconscious, sense of unworthiness. *Note: a key factor for this disorder is the inability to accept responsibility for their unhelpful behaviors. (ref: “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” was very helpful)
• Attachment Styles and Activation Energy: We all fall on a spectrum of insecurity to security when it comes to our intimate relationships. Within insecure types, you may be either insecure-avoidant or insecure anxious. When these two types come together, they reinforce negative self-beliefs. (ref: I loved “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment…”)

Closing thoughts

Emotional abuse causes serious damage. If you are feeling hurt or diminished, you are likely in unhelpful environments. You are not crazy, dramatic, or too sensitive. There is nothing wrong with you and many things right with you.

I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Join the Weekly Love News on my website to receive creative offerings each week (Tuesdays) in your email inbox.