avatarJan G Sokol

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Abstract

t was the next best thing to God. That Leslie was more valuable than I was, and on and on. She distorted my reality so thoroughly that I have gone through my life mentally handicapped, blundering my way through a world that didn’t function according to the rules I had been taught.</p><p id="44cf">The Crazy Lady taught me that to bring attention to myself was a sin and that God would punish me for my sins. This was to confuse me about the fact that she was punishing me in ways that were as far from godliness as one could get. And after suffering her form of retribution for committing the sin of bringing attention to myself, I very quickly acquiesced to her teachings.</p><p id="1824">Emma was a character who had lost many of her marbles. They just kept falling out one by one, and we all pretended that we weren’t always nearly breaking our necks on the fallen marbles that were everywhere.</p><p id="880b">It was a profound shame that the Lady of the Fallen Marbles happened to be my mot

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her. To make my childhood manageable and to keep from succumbing to the terror of having a mother who wasn’t all there, I had to join Emma in her bizarre violent, and out-of-control world. I walked the fine line between believing her distortions and keeping her from getting too far out of line, from crossing the edge which would have put all of us somewhere in the twilight zone.</p><p id="e0ec">But now, at age 40, to continue to stay in Emma’s twisted world will mean certain death for me. Thus, at this juncture of my life, I must disentangle myself from her and her dark and sordid world, and let the light of reality shine into my newly evolving world.</p><p id="716a">I shall have to leave the Crazy Lady behind, and this isn’t an easy thing to do. For I believe she will melt like the Wicked Witch of the West without me to carry her through. And I, too, will feel most profoundly the loss of that crazy and twisted lady who has been such a consuming part of my life.</p></article></body>

Emma And The Falling Marbles

The Crazy Lady

Photo by Crissy Jarvis on Unsplash

One of the most difficult truths I’ve had to face in my life is the fact that my mother Emma is crazy. It has come to a showdown between her and I, and slowly but surely, our true characters are revealing themselves. I am learning that my mother has always distorted reality so thoroughly that in many cases, the exact opposite of what I believed is actually the truth.

Emma taught me that she was strong and I was weak. She was sane and I was crazy. She was good and I was evil. She should be proud and I should be ashamed, that Britt was the next best thing to God. That Leslie was more valuable than I was, and on and on. She distorted my reality so thoroughly that I have gone through my life mentally handicapped, blundering my way through a world that didn’t function according to the rules I had been taught.

The Crazy Lady taught me that to bring attention to myself was a sin and that God would punish me for my sins. This was to confuse me about the fact that she was punishing me in ways that were as far from godliness as one could get. And after suffering her form of retribution for committing the sin of bringing attention to myself, I very quickly acquiesced to her teachings.

Emma was a character who had lost many of her marbles. They just kept falling out one by one, and we all pretended that we weren’t always nearly breaking our necks on the fallen marbles that were everywhere.

It was a profound shame that the Lady of the Fallen Marbles happened to be my mother. To make my childhood manageable and to keep from succumbing to the terror of having a mother who wasn’t all there, I had to join Emma in her bizarre violent, and out-of-control world. I walked the fine line between believing her distortions and keeping her from getting too far out of line, from crossing the edge which would have put all of us somewhere in the twilight zone.

But now, at age 40, to continue to stay in Emma’s twisted world will mean certain death for me. Thus, at this juncture of my life, I must disentangle myself from her and her dark and sordid world, and let the light of reality shine into my newly evolving world.

I shall have to leave the Crazy Lady behind, and this isn’t an easy thing to do. For I believe she will melt like the Wicked Witch of the West without me to carry her through. And I, too, will feel most profoundly the loss of that crazy and twisted lady who has been such a consuming part of my life.

Illumination
Mothers
Family
Mental Illness
Personal Essay
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