How Lockdown Has Taught Me To Accept My Balding Head

Embracing the Shave

I don’t know whether this information has only come to light since I’ve transitioned (having been born female), or rather has come with age, but men are super self-conscious about hair. Though I’d hazard a guess, most humans are.

Neither my father nor my brothers instilled me with the intricacies of manhood, and so when my hair began the telltale sign of balding not too long ago, I didn’t know how to deal with the loss emotionally.

I always told myself before I transitioned that I would likely suffer the same level of hair loss as the other men in my family. We begin to bald quite early on in life, and at the time, I didn’t care. But now the cold, hard truth is in my face; it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

I cringe now when I remember poking fun at my dad for his inability to accept his balding as a young teenager. He grew what hair he could out so long, it passed his shoulders, but couldn’t escape the lack of it on the top. He looked like an Indian punk friar. He got over it eventually and went for an appropriate haircut, but the image of such hair loss never left my mind.

Thus, as we all know, a large portion of humans recently decided to remain indoors for an indefinite amount of time. Which naturally, also includes barbers and hairdressers. Which meant I could no longer go for my more flattering hair cut.

The Lockdown Growth

I’ve been keeping it relatively short for a while, a little more than a number 4 on top with a fade to be exact. So when lockdown came, and I could no longer maintain the style, for a little while, I let my hair grow.

It seems to be a familiar lockdown story, and I’m sure many people are chomping at the bits to get their hair sorted out by a professional. Heck, people in the U.S. have been using haircuts as a form of protest against lockdown! I can’t say I approve, but I’m British, and our government hasn’t done much better about it either. The rest of the world looks upon us in shock and pity.

On a less serious note, let me tell you. Having longer length certainly didn’t do my hairline any favours. I felt the receded-ness more keenly, and I also became aware of my crown sporting less of the thick hair of my youth. In other words, I could envisage myself as my father in his denial phase.

Embracing the Shave

My step-father has a pair of old clippers that he let me borrow. Though God knows why he has them in the first place, his Norweigan blood has granted him the long flowing hair of a Viking.

When I had them in my hands, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “why am I nervous? I kind of always wanted just to shave my head. And a four isn’t that far off at this point.” It wasn’t like I was shaving off shoulder-length hair after all. My hair had its hay days, it has been pretty much every colour under the sun and has been making its way up from butt-length since I was little.

I think that might be one of the reasons why I was so nervous. Having been brought up as a girl, I held a lot of pride and identity in my hair. Shaving it off would be like another eulogy to the woman that could never be, but I made peace with that a long time ago. So on buzzed the clippers!

Just a disclaimer though, I didn’t shave my head to the skin, leaving me completely bald. I used a number 2, which still leaves a little hair, I guess I’m still not brave enough to pull off a 0 though I may tempt myself next time.

“How Do You Feel Now?” I Hear You Ask

Okay, you may not have asked, but I’ll tell you anyway. I love it. Even if you think that just going from a little over four to a two isn’t that much different, it is. The look and feel are entirely different; you can tell that there was a purpose behind a number two or lower (at my age anyway).

I’ve realised some practical benefits of having a buzz cut, primarily being I don’t have to style it. I simply wake up, shower and go. No more annoying, pointy bed-head hair to contend.

I’m also toting up the math for saving money on future haircuts. Sure it’ll be nice if once in a while I get a barber to cut my hair; however, the barbers I frequented previously charge £20 ($25 U.S.). With the style I had, I could get away with a cut once every six weeks or so. That would be approximately eight cuts a year! Presuming I continue with one or two barbers cuts, I’ll be saving £120-£140 a year by buzzing my hair.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, is the feeling of self-empowerment. A buzzcut is viewed as a very masculine haircut (though many women do pull it off flawlessly). Expressing my masculinity while not denying my femininity is something of a balancing act and hairstyle can often have a lot to do with the outward expression.

And now as I enter the age of my balding head, I can move forward with acceptance, knowing I look and feel like a badass. If you too suffer from hair loss, give a buzz a try, you might be pleasantly surprised.