Embracing My Trans Child

When parenting throws you out of your depth

Settling in is happening. Part of settling for me, meant getting as much as the adulting off my head as I could as fast as I could so I could just enjoy Summer.

So, yesterday, I sat down and did the online registration to get kiddo all enrolled in school. All that is left to do now is call the school in August before school starts and get the paperwork finished, meet the staff and all of that.

Part of that form is filling in the legal name and the preferred name.

I haven’t spoken about this but kiddo has been questioning a lot of things.

Trying on different labels.

You would think given all the experience I have with this it would be easier for me.

But you would be wrong.

I find myself bitch slapping myself, for the thought “maybe it’s just a phase.”

It reminds me too much of the reaction that others had when I no longer identified as straight.

“Maybe if you stay away from them those feelings will go away.”

Yeah, no, I ran at those feelings.

The woman in question was HOT. There was no denying that.

My family, told me not to tell anyone.

Especially the older generation.

I failed there too.

I don’t want to be that parent.

I won’t be that parent, obviously.

But it doesn’t mean it’s easy when your child comes to you with a trans label.

Especially so young.

With a name they love. That isn’t the one you chose, or the nickname they used to love. Which also happened to be unisex.

I love my child regardless of what gender they are, what name they choose, how they dress, or who they love.

But damn my heart breaks for the child I thought I had.

For the child that I knew.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t look forward to getting to know the one in front of me.

But I am WAY out of my depth here.

So out of my depths, that I am already reaching out.

Our community has an active LGTBQ+ community. Including a drop in centre with support groups, clothing exchanges, potlucks and what not. Never been so grateful for anything as I was to find this place. Now it’s just getting us the connections we both need as we navigate this.

I know I’ll adjust and this will be another momentary blip on my radar.

It’s just getting to that point. I know I am not going to be able to do that on my own.

But I also know, that the struggle is my own and it doesn’t need to get in the way of doing what’s right by my child.

I had already found the pride flag that I knew was wanted, that was easy. Added bonus, we live in a neighborhood where pride flags fly.

My struggle isn’t coming from a place of acceptance.

That’s just not a possibility given a persons gender doesn’t factor into my interest in someone.

I don’t care what’s in your pants. I am more interested in your heart and your brain than I am what’s hidden in your clothing.

My struggle comes from a place of fear.

I know what it feels like to not be accepted for who you are and who you love.

I also know what it feels like to feel unsafe because of it.

One of the reasons I swore I would never move back to Toronto, was because I had someone try to push me in front of a coming subway train because they disagreed with my life choices and felt that it was “against god”.

Yeah, like your god would be okay with a hate crime.

I loved living downtown. This was a time in my life, I walked everywhere and did all the things. But all that changed in an instant.

Throw in the political climate of our world today, and this is where I know my fear and hesitation comes from.

I know exactly what they could face because I have faced all of it, including the scariest parts.

I also know, I can’t protect them from it, anymore than I can live it for them.

I don’t want to live for them but it kills me knowing that I can’t protect them. All I can do is give them the tools to protect themselves.

But for the mama in me, that just isn’t enough.

But it has to be, at least until the rest of the world catches up with me.

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