Embracing Messy Hospitality

Clear a space and have people over — they don’t care if your house isn’t perfect.

Hospitality Anxiety

I used to shy away from being hospitable. In my younger days, I was impossibly busy with working full-time, being a mom, and being a half-time college student. Even once I finished school, I still found it hard to juggle being a working mom and keeping things tidy.

Better Homes and Gardens was definitely not looking for magazine material at my house.

Back in the day, my concerns made me a raging lunatic, yelling at everyone to clean up. If company was coming, my family would often be miserable by the time they arrived because of my ill-tempered preparations. Then we’d have to pretend everyone wasn’t annoyed while the visitors were there.

Alternately, I’d avoid having company because I felt like too much of a hot mess. Clutter, shabby furniture, toys everywhere — it all gave me a complex that made me feel bad about having people over. We tried, but it was never totally neat. Better Homes and Gardens was definitely not looking for magazine material at my house.

Then my pastor asked if my husband and I would be willing to host a home group once a month. It’s an informal gathering for a snacks and fellowship, meant for building relationships and spending time with people from church. My stomach dropped at the thought of it. Oh no — why us?

At first, I dreaded the thought of having to clean and be ready for company once a month. And these were church people — what would they think? I hardly knew some of them. It’s one thing when your closest friends and family see your sloppy home but quite another when strangers visit.

There were lots of excuses I’d have liked to have offered my pastor, but I knew deep down it was good for us to accept his request. The desire to bless others had to take precedence over my hangups about my housekeeping. This request was actually a great gift.

Clean Where the Bride Walks

A friend of mine from Venezuela once shared her philosophy with me about preparing for company. A cultural saying in her home country summed up advice that revolutionized my attitude.

“Clean where the bride walks,” she told me.

She went on to explain that when pressed, just tidy up the places people would be when they come over. The living room and powder room. Maybe tidy the kitchen a bit.

She advised me to stop sweating it. As for the rest of the house, close doors and tidy whatever piles of paper are sitting around. Most of your guests will gather in a general area anyway, she reasoned.

This was brilliant, life-changing advice!

People come over to sit, chat, and eat. They aren’t walking around with a 6-point inspection clipboard of your housekeeping habits. They don’t know about your junk drawers and exploding closets. The catchall room where you dump everything when company comes is not open to the public.

In short, get over it and invite people over. The world needs more sit-a-while-and-chat moments.

Make it Easier

Focus on enjoying time with others. You don’t have to be a perfect housekeeper or even a perfect cook. Order pizza. Pop frozen hors d’oeuvres in the oven. Open a sleeve of crackers and cut up some cheese.

You are not hosting a gala. Be unfussy. It’s fine.

Make the visit about the people, not your performance as a hostess. A frazzled hostess prevents her guests from being at ease. Instead of fussing around in the kitchen, let the dishes sit and chat over coffee with those who have gathered. Dishes can wait.

Since starting our home group four years ago, we’ve come to anticipate our gatherings. Those who were once strangers have become friends. We do prepare for company but have learned to “clean where the bride walks” instead of having a family meltdown every time.

Sometimes we do better than others. Nobody seems to care. The laughter goes on and the friendships grow even if there’s dust on the furniture.

Avoiding hospitality is a mistake I wish I’d corrected sooner. If things don’t match or aren’t perfectly in order, so what? I wonder how many meaningful times I missed out on because of it. Hospitality can be slightly messy and that’s okay. Loving others and enjoying their company is the real goal.

Thank you for reading! I’m Tracy Gerhardt-Cooper, and I invite you to follow me if you’d like to read more real talk about real life. Please follow my publication Middle Ground also for midlife musings. Let’s do life on purpose.