Embodying Soul: A Return to Wholeness
Section 4: Chapter 28—Consuming Love
Dear reader: This next chapter is one of my favorites, because it’s about self-love. And for me, all of my growth really predicated on learning how to love myself, not just in theory, but in practice.
Enjoy!
Chapter 28: Consuming Love
My next yoga teacher, Tara, was so warm and inclusive, free and fluid in her own body that simply watching her demonstrate poses was a form of meditation. I noted that while Maryann’s teachings were like staccato piano — light and quick — Tara’s teachings were like the large djembe she played — slow, earthy, rhythmic. But, as with Maryann, I sensed her authenticity and instinctively trusted her. While other teachers flaunted big poses and challenged students to lunge deeper and press up higher, Tara modeled how to move slower and feel deeper.
Despite Fear’s warnings that she was a pagan sorceress disguised in yoga pants and a peace T-shirt, I wanted to experience more of what she offered. Approaching her with a mixture of reverence and apprehension, I asked if she would take me on as a private student. She beamed at me. In that moment of choice and trust in intuition, I knew, without yet knowing how, that my search for truth was going to lead me even deeper into the spiritual world.
Once a week for a year I studied yoga with Tara at her home, including yoga philosophies, great yogic texts, and teachings of the great masters. When we practiced asanas, the physical postures, we took time to investigate, feel, ask, yield. Twenty minutes with Tara — breathing, moving an inch at a time, breathing more — was a slow, gentle panacea for my body that had rarely known such care, acceptance, and compassion. With her, life became altered, kinder and more expansive. In the safety she provided, I unraveled more layers of crusty mummy wrappings that kept my voice and movement in the world stiff, muted, and careful. I confronted and spat out my deepest feelings, beliefs, doubts, and ideas. No matter how often I cringed at my humanness, admitted my shortcomings, or counted my many mistakes, she never mocked or criticized me. As if I had been flying high in my own personal hot-air balloon of perfectionism and denial, she brought me down, one dart of compassion at a time, so my feet touched the earth and power was internal not external.
The only time Tara grew annoyed with me was when I held myself to a higher standard than I held others, belittled my own value, or became immersed in my narcissistic ego. Tara’s discernment was as sharp as a pick, and the love fueling it unmistakable. She would slice untruths right out of me and invite me to look closer; suddenly the lies were apparent. And then, once the hard work was done, we’d laugh about our collective human condition, at how comfortable we got justifying ourselves as victims or as outsiders. I wondered if the true teaching of Christianity was not that human beings should become meek and unquestioning followers in the name of love but that they should find the courage to tame their own inner demons through acts of love, and whether such teachings had not become distorted over years of translation and interpretation.
At any rate, I finally understood that Tara perfectly modeled what being nonjudgmental looked like in action — not being blind, ignorant, passive, or dismissive but acknowledging everything without expectation, attachment, or aversion. I realized that being nonjudgmental meant to believe like a child, in the way I first thought it meant, challenging or questioning the very things that often go unchallenged and unquestioned. Ultimately, I made my peace with the teaching of nonjudgment, though I chose to use the term “discernment” instead, which connotes a more mindful approach to sorting through thoughts and beliefs.
As part of our year together, Tara also assigned me homework. Sometimes it was a book to read, or a breathing practice to explore, or a mantra to try. But once she assigned me the hardest homework of my life: to look in the mirror and repeat, “I love you.” If I couldn’t say it out loud, I was to whisper it. Up to this point, whenever I had looked in the mirror I had noticed my too-small breasts and boyish hips, or acne that had never completely disappeared. And I’d just cut my hair short, despite my hairstylist’s warning that with short hair there would be nowhere to hide.
After Tara had first given me the assignment to look at myself in the mirror and express love, I went home, walked into the bathroom, slowly looked up, and wondered what to do next. The only other times I’d looked at myself in the mirror were when I was doing something — putting on makeup, brushing my teeth, fixing my hair — so just staring at myself felt weird. Three seconds later I walked out.
However, after some time passed I tried again and noticed bright blue eyes sparkling with wit and humor, a smile that hinted at wisdom waiting to be unearthed, a woman with the potential to nurture herself and others. I saw all that was soft, yielding, and unconditionally loving about myself and embraced these aspects. And then I laughed with that woman in the mirror, seeing, for just a moment, a light in my eyes that transcended this world.
But along with that light I was also aware of a shadow aspect — how impatient, insecure, defensive, condescending, or judgmental I could be. While I could see the value in Tara’s efforts to bring me down to earth to more fully experience my emotions, I wasn’t really ready to allow them to play any legitimate role in my life. Plus, I remained largely in solidarity with Depression, which taught me that the world was an ugly, unjust place where only pain and rejection awaits. So why trust the world when I could instead focus on enlightenment and rise above all of it?
Read Previous
Read Next
Where can readers find out more about your book?
More information about “Embodying Soul: A Return to Wholeness”, as well as purchase options is available here
Readers can use the code “medium” to receive 20% off a signed paperback copy. The book is also available in print and e-book format on Amazon and other outlets.
How can readers get in touch with you?
I’m all over social media! Follow me or get in touch through any of the following links: