Elon Musk’s Leaked Diary Entry: Xavier Hates and Disowns Me — but Twitter Will Kneel before Me
I own Twitter, Tesla, SpaceX, Nuralink, The Boring Company, more money than God — but life still gives me lemons
Two hours sleep again. Not. Good. The acquisition of Twitter is making me restless, and now this shit with Xavier. May have to start taking Ambien again. Maybe I’ll buy a start-up, a quick purchase, and ̶g̶u̶t̶ restructure it — usually gets me out of a funk. I need to stop sleeping at the office. The world’s richest man, who can buy any house he wants, and he sleeps at the damn office. My ventures own me!
Reminder: find out if Bezos sleeps at his office.
Idea for office workers: floating hammock: it works off two strong, insulated magnets opposite each other. No. Scrap that! One long magnet repelling a lattice metal sheet… No. Sod it, i’ll email one of the engineers!
Hello diary,
Xavier, my eldest child and first born of my twin boys, hates me. He’s changing his name to Vivian Jenna Wilson — booooooring! — and living as a woman. Maybe if I had named him Gary or Jeffery this could have all been avoided… I must change X Æ A-Xii and Exa Dark Sideræl names immediately. Colin and Margaret, perhaps? Colins and Margarets all speak to their parents. I’ve never met a rudderless Colin or confused Margaret.
It could be Grimes and Manning both plotting against me… I’ll have their communications monitored and a drone follow them.
Maybe I could design a new son to replace Xavier, one that won’t resent me. I’ll name him Xavier 2.0. and install him with a non-resentment fail-safe chip.
Reminder: get other children fitted with Neuralink devices as soon as possible, to prevent this from happening again. And update their devices with anti-woke mind-virus software.
Reminder: find out if Bezos has a good relationship with his children.
Now i’ve got Twitter, what am I going to do with all this free speech? I could monetise it: free speech Fridays, where you can say whatever you want for 100 Doge coins. Tesla owners get a discount or an extra 24hrs free speech the following Saturday.
The world’s richest man that can move markets with a single tweet, a brain the size of a planet, the meme king, and I can’t get Vivian to talk to me… She’ll be back when I take her brothers and sisters to Mars for a vaycay.
I’ll buy Vivian her own city — L.A. perhaps... That must be going for a song now. She’ll like that. Mayor and governor of her own fiefdom.
None of these problems will exist on ̶m̶y̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶n̶e̶t̶ Mars. How do I make sure socialism never takes hold there?
Solution: terraform mars with SSRIs and rename Mars the Happy Planet. Only miserable people are socialists. Problem solved!
Possible idea for a meme: Mars, the red planet, the colour of communism, changes blue as it is terraformed and made habitable, while earth turns red and socialist.
Why does everyone jump from me saying “pronouns suck” to calling me anti-trans? If I don’t like the team colours the Lakers wear, it doesn’t mean I don’t like the Lakers. “Them” and “they” confuse me. And Ze and Zir — actually, I quite like Ze and Zir. They could be good names for future children. Stop it, Elon! You’ve already been down that road. It’s Colins, Margarets, Helens and Freds from now on— steady names you can count on. The pastel colours.
Disclaimer: the above piece is purely fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
