“Wabbit” Habit

Elmer Fudd to Join MuddyUm Editorial Staff

Mudditors, Brudditors welcome Fudditor

DATELINE: Zoom Call, The Internet, Nov. 29

Cap’n Susan Brearley announced during the weekly Muddyum Editors’ Meeting that she has recruited Elmer J. Fudd to join the editorial staff.

Brearley has worked hard to diversify the team. Recently, the Cap’n added two testosterone packs. The term Brudditor was coined.

Some staff members apparently grumbled — and I’m looking at you here Rachael Ann Sand so you can drop the “Moi? It was Sarah Paris!” routine — that Fudd was only added because of his assonance.

Brearley denied the allegation.

There are laws in place. We don’t hire anyone for their assonance. I catch anyone even looking at Fudd’s assonance, they’re demoted to kicker rehab. Meaning you’re seconded to Baskerville Old Face until you’ve trained Smillew Rahcuef to respect kickers as an institution. Good luck with that. This is a guy whose best kicker was “I worked really hard on this kicker.”

Brearley did admit that adding a Fudditor has public relations cachet.

Look at Greener Pastures, the Haven, Dr. Funny. None of them have a Mudditor. Let alone a Brudditor or a Fudditor. Just anonymous drones in gray suits pruning colons. What did you ask? “What about Slackjaw?” Slackjaw, what is that, a Covid symptom? Never heard of it.

The editorial staff has been warned not to bring up the “R” word. Or in Fudd’s case, due to his trademark rhotacism, the “W” word.

Brearley explains.

There’s a species we just don’t mention. I’m talking phylum Chordata, subphylum Vertebrata, class Mammalia, order Lagomorpha, family Leporidae. Fudd’s got a disorder that stokes his amygdala whenever he sees one. Especially if it has a Brooklyn accent. The dude just goes bat shit crazy on the Whackadoo scale. He’s a toon, right? We’re being very careful. No Easter issue this year. No carrot art. And for the love of God, do not call him “Doc.”

By “bat shit crazy,” Brearley was referring to a recent paper originally written for Lancet by Dr. Gary Chapin, accordionist, and republished in MuddyUm.

Brearley assured editors that Fudd’s mental imbalance is not contagious. Brearley, who goes by Cap’n, also believes that she captains a pirate ship. Wombat shit crazy? Do the math.

What if she only cap’ns a ship? That seems less deranged. Maybe three longitudinal minutes north of duck shit crazy?

Brearley assigned reading the Mary “Mel” O’Deeze speech cited below to the MuddyUm editorial staff as homework, asking they each present a book report that would promote empathy for Fudd’s unfortunate condition. Unfortunately, only nancy arvizu ever does the homework, which Amy Sea then copies, and sells to everyone else.

Several editors now wear bulletproof vests. They’re writers. Some are not quite clear on the physical principles governing a Zoom call. Carol Lennox has requested we not name names here. I think she majored in art history.

An “anonymous” tipster revealed that staffers were overheard whispering that Brearley went a bridge too far. Soon she would be hiring an IRS attorney to be an Auditor.

Anonymous. Right. I suppose you believe in the Tooth Fairy and the Editor Fairy too, Holly J See? Next time you want to pretend you’re Deep Throat, get it in writing. I’m guessing that culprits Lucia Siochi and Anu Anniah are probably DM’ing you right now, so you might consider turning off Slack for awhile. Maybe change your phone number.

Fudd’s recruitment to MuddyUm is sparking widespread interest within TuneTown. Daffy Duck was seen installing Medium Chrome extensions on his MacBook Pro, and Google Analytics shows that Yosemite Sam and Foghorn Leghorn have spent hours browsing the MuddyUm Outlaws tab.

Brearley warned editors one particular Toon is barred from joining as long as Fudd is on staff. The Cap’n posted this photo to alert everyone.

Eyeing the photo, Fudd shouted, “The wabbit! Shoot the wabbit first! Ask qwestions waiter!”

MuddyUm does not tolerate violence, so Brearley promptly assigned Fudd to six months of kicker duty. Fudd was last seen nodding off while reading a Baskerville Old Face kicker tutorial.

It may be cruel. But it’s not unusual.