Eleven Signs That Your Cat Is Possessed
You have been warned
Cats are notorious for their mysterious and enigmatic behaviour, but what if your feline friend’s strange antics go beyond the realm of typical cat quirks? We’re talking about the spine-chilling possibility of your beloved pet being possessed. Before you rush to call an exorcist, let’s delve into the serious world of feline possession and learn how to spot the danger signs.
Asking to identify as human
Your cat asks to identify as human — this is patently ridiculous and you should simply tell the feline fellow that there are only two options — cat or not cat.
Your feline friend starts to “woof” rather than “miaow”
This can be slightly disturbing when first observed.
Sudden Language Proficiency Syndrome
If your cat starts speaking in perfect English or any other human language, you might want to start worrying. Beware of phrases like, “I will claw your soul” or “You will all bow down to me.” It’s safe to say your cat has taken a detour to the dark side.
The Forbidden Dance
Does your cat frequently practice a choreographed dance routine late at night? Pay attention if they start channelling their inner Michael Jackson with the moonwalk or break out into a full-blown tango with an invisible partner. Possessed cats have rhythm, but it’s not the good kind.
Unholy Grooming Habits
Sure, cats are known for their fastidious grooming, but possessed cats take it to a whole new level. If your cat starts obsessively licking its fur in a counterclockwise motion while chanting ancient incantations, it’s time to seek professional help, for yourself or a pet psychic.
Eyes of the Abyss
The eyes are the windows to the soul, or in this case, the portal to the netherworld. If your cat’s once gentle and innocent eyes turn into fiery pits of doom or start glowing an eerie shade of green, you might want to reconsider cuddling up for nap time.
Telekinetic Tendencies
Has your cat suddenly become a master of levitation? If you catch them hovering in mid-air, moving objects with a flick of their paw, or rearranging your furniture to create demonic symbols, it’s a red flag. Your cat has upgraded from chasing laser pointers to summoning demons.
Inexplicable Appetite for Chaos
Cats have a reputation for knocking things off shelves and tables, but possessed cats take this hobby to another level. If you wake up to find your cat has created an intricate domino effect with all your valuables or constructed a shrine made of your favourite shoes, consider adopting a dog instead.
Nighttime Serenades
We all know cats are skilled vocalists, but possessed cats have a different playlist altogether. If your furry friend starts howling the chorus of “Highway to Hell” or gives a convincing rendition of “Thriller” at midnight, it’s time to invest in earplugs and a cat-sized straightjacket.
Fear of Holy Water
While some cats avoid water like the plague, possessed cats take their aversion to a whole new level. If your cat bursts into flames upon contact with holy water or starts hissing at the mere sight of a crucifix, it’s probably not just a bad hair day.
Supreme Dictatorship
If your cat starts drafting a constitution, holding democratic elections among your other pets, or demanding offerings of tuna in exchange for sparing your soul, it’s a sign that they’ve moved from a mere house pet to an unholy ruler. Bow down to your feline overlord.
(This story was inspired by the apparently entirely made-up feature in the UK press recently that children have been asking to identify as cats.)