Eight Ways You Know You’re a Writer and Not an Imposter

And when it’s time to come out of the closet

The initial fear

For a long time, I was afraid to tell people, “I’m a writer.”

I would say, “I’m a teacher, and I write for the paper.” Or, “I like to write a little on the side.” But it was hard to totally, one-hundred percent declare myself as a full-time professional writer. I hadn’t published a book. I didn’t have an agent. All I had was a lot of training and a burning desire to put ideas on paper.

But when the signs got too obvious to ignore, I couldn’t ignore my true identity anymore. I had to come right out and admit it.

Hi. My name is Melissa, and I’m a writer.

I am coming out of the closet — or the writer’s wardrobe, or the author’s armoire, or the freelancer’s footlocker— or whatever you call that place we hide ourselves hovering between fear and the belief that we’re imposters.

You know you’re a writer when you identify with any of these eight signs

One: You write down your dreams

You start recording all your dreams as soon as you wake up in the hope that you’ll recover an interesting, albeit bizarre, kernel of an idea that might grow into a short story or a novel. (Like the dream I had where I fell for a handsome, blond guy who wore strange beige boots. He was helping me tunnel underneath a mountain to some faraway place. Along the way, a bunch of short-statured, big-nosed “uncles.” When I woke up, I realized I’d been dreaming about Snow White’s son.)

Weird, especially since I’m not even into fantasy, but surely there’s an angle for a story there.

Two: You have a cache of writing implements

You stash a pen and paper on every surface and in every nook and cranny, jar, drawer, glove compartment, box, tin, cabinet, desk, and container you own. Leaving home without writing implements would be like leaving home without clothes.

Three: You can’t stay away from bookstores

Your heart beats faster and your eyes shine brighter in a bookstore. You find yourself wandering, hours later, among the shelves, lovingly stroking books spines and whispering sweet come-ons under their covers. “Can we hook up tonight.” “You say prologue, but you mean foreplay,” “Let’s linger, savor the moment, and not rush to the ending.”

Four: You keep increasing your supply budget

Your budget for notebooks and colored pencils, binders, journals, folders, envelopes, page protectors, sticky notes, labels, and highlighters is more than your grocery budget, and that’s fine because you’d rather have writing supplies than food.

Five: You pride yourself on being rejected

You’re excited to tell your friend and writing partner that you got your 89th rejection for the year, putting you closer to your goal of 100 annual turn-downs. You’re proud when she praises, “You’re an expert in rejection, now

Six: You frequently beat your head against your desk (or perform other acts of desperation

You consider inhaling the fumes from your highlighters, hoping the “HIGH” in highlighters means a hallucinogenic, idea-producing state. You frequently consider suicide by papercut as a noble way to end writer’s block.

Seven: You suffer inspirational insomnia

Your sleep patterns change. You can’t go to sleep at night because your brain is churning with thoughts about the project you’ve been pounding out. Or you wake up at 4:00 a.m. energized and excited about what you’re going to write tomorrow.

Eight: You hate celebrity-written books

You find yourself throwing breakable objects at all the celebrities on television talking about their new book because you know

• they’ve been ghostwritten by real writers who aren’t famous
• the content of the book doesn’t matter because publishers know the celebrity name will sell it
• even if the celebrity did write it, they don’t have to worry about marketing because they get FREE press just by being who they are
• celebrity books get included in prominent book clubs — like Reese Witherspoon’s and Jenna Bush Hager’s — because they know the other rich and famous people.
• they didn’t even have to search for an agent because someone referred them or the agent came to them
• they’re going to be bestselling authors making tons of money, and they don’t even need the cash

Coming Out and Claiming Your Identity

Remember Popeye, the Sailor Man? He had a motto:

“I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.”

His strength came in knowing his true identity.

“Hi. My name’s Melissa, and I’m a writer.”

p.s. Two years after I wrote this story, after I finally started declaring myself as a writer and offering my professional services with confidence, I started landing jobs.

It pays to come out of the closet.

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