WHY WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME
Eight Productivity Hacks That CANNOT FAIL to Turn Your Life Around in 2022
As used by billionaires and influencers on “The Internet”
Are you sick of seeing yourself overtaken in your career, your love life, and every other aspect of your miserable existence by people who are slower, dumber, and less sexy than you? They succeed while you fail because they understand the magic of hacking their productivity.
Make 2022 the year that you stop being such a loser with the tips below.
1. Store your all-natural peanut butter upside so it separates less
You probably spend two or three hours a day mixing up the overpriced hippie peanut butter your spouse insists on buying. But if you stick it in the fridge upside down, it partially mixes itself, somewhat. Never be covered in peanut oil again! Wow!
2. Eat your meals in the bathroom
This one is so obvious, it’s hard to believe we’re not all doing it now. What else are you up to on the toilet besides scrolling? Chow down on Hot Pockets while you’re waiting for the Dulcolax to kick in.
Besides saving time, this strategy lends a healthy symmetry to your dietary and defecatory habits, with real-time mass in equaling mass out.
3. Call everyone “Buddy”
This simple trick will make you seem more likable by programming people. They’ll subconsciously believe you’re their buddy, even if they loathe you. You’ll also be surprised by the memory space it frees up.
Pro tip: when meeting important or dangerous people, use Mr./Ms./Mx. Buddy to convey respect.
4. Reduce your sleep to two hours per night
This will create more productive hours and also make everything seem hilarious.* *Consult a medical professional before starting, may be fatal
5. Rationalize your way to your goals
Not in a Marie Kondo downsizing way, but in a moral sense.
Shoplifting? Those stores are insured.
Lying? What is truth?
Murder? They were going to die anyway, this is just a scheduling change. And they weren’t sparking joy.
Greater ethical flexibility will absolutely open up new avenues for personal growth and advancement.
6. Sever your corpus callosum
If you have a mirror and a utility knife, you can double your productivity. By disconnecting the two sides of your brain, you’ll be able to write haikus with your left brain while your right brain builds a spreadsheet to track your investments.* *Results not guaranteed
7. Take up necromancy as a side hustle
Raising the dead gives you more hands to get the work done. While most corpses are not notably intelligent, they’re more than fine for light housework or filling in on work-related conference calls. Turn video off for best results.
8. Declare your sovereignty
The laws and restraints of human society were never meant to apply to high achievers. That’s why Musk and Bezos can go around launching spaceships without so much as a “by-your-leave.”
Join this elite group and secure the privileges to which you are entitled just by typing “I declare my sovereignty from the chains of convention, mediocrity and all forms of HUMAN GOVERNMENT” into Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, or Instagram. You may also perform it as an interpretive dance on TikTok.
If you can’t win with these tips, it’s your fault.
None of the above should be taken as valid medical or practical advice. More self-help: