Eight Fascinating Things Working as An Escort Taught Me About Men Women and Sex
A lot more women visit sex workers than you think, people are scarily clueless about how to practice safe sex, and much more
In my 20s I worked as an escort for 5 years mainly to pay for university. Here are eight fascinating things working as an escort taught me about men, women and sex.
Women are a lot more open to seeing sex workers than popular belief would have you believe
When I got into escorting, I assumed it would be only men who would come see me. I was wrong. I was also often visited by females. Sometimes the females would be part of a couple, but often they would be on their own.
Starting with couples, I only saw one female-female couple, they wanted to see if they could handle bringing in an extra partner into the bedroom, and had decided a sex worker was the safest way to do this. In terms of male-female couples, I saw a decent number.
Outside of couples, when it comes to sex, I only saw three women in total over the five years I’ve worked as an escort, and we didn’t really have sex, we more just kissed and cuddled while giving each other a little fingering.
But I also offered a massage service, and I was surprised by how many women utilised it, probably 20 percent were female. I would advertise it as a full-body deep tissue massage, or a full-body tension release massage. But it was in truth just a full-body massage with a happy ending.
So, my time as a sex worker taught me that women are a lot more open to seeing sex workers than people think. It is just they are a lot more discreet about it, and when it comes to solo visits, tend to prefer wording that is less explicit, along with erotic massages to sex.
Arousal truly is a natural bodily reaction to visuals and/or stimulation — but a lot of people don’t understand this
One of the biggest fears I had when getting into sex work was having sex without being aroused, I thought that even using lube, it would still be painful and just horrible. I was also afraid that the condoms would tear because I was not aroused enough for smooth thrusting action, and because of that, I would be more susceptible to STIs.
My friend though told me I was being silly, she told me that arousal was a natural bodily reaction to stimulation and visuals. That even if I was not mentally turned on, my body would activate without any problems.
She was right, it did, every time. I often did not even need to use lube, and this was because whether it be from kissing, giving oral, receiving oral, letting them finger me, whatever, my body woke up for near enough every punter regardless of whether I found them attractive or not.
This happening is totally normal, yet the fact that arousal is a natural bodily reaction to physical and visual stimulation is nowhere near understood well enough. For example, and sexual violence trigger warning for this section, in the cases of rape the victim frequently suffers the ordeal of not just forced sexual activity, but forced arousal. Many also suffer the ordeal of a forced orgasm — both men and women included.
My time as a sex worker taught me that nowhere near enough people know this, something that needs changing, as arousal is still too often wrongly used as a defence against claims of rape.
Sex is really important to men’s mental health — at least while in a relationship
The thing that shocked me most about a lot of the men who came to see me was just how many of them felt worthless and unwanted in their relationships, and that’s why they had come to see me. They wanted someone to give them sexual attention to give them a sense of value.
In truth, I was actually shocked by just how much a lot of men truly did attach how much sex they got from their partner to their feelings of self-worth in their relationships. Since then, through my work as a therapist, I have further seen just how powerful this connection is. Perhaps the thing that most has surprised me over the years is that I tend to find single men who are not getting sex fare better mentally than coupled-up men who are not.
So, my time as a sex worker taught me just how complex and interlinked the need for sex in a relationship can be for many men, and how heavily intertwined it can be with their feelings of self-worth.
Note: the same can hold true for women.
The majority of people are clueless about how to practice safe sex — many don’t even know how to properly use a condom
To this day it staggers me how clueless people are about how to identify potential signs of STIs. It also staggers me how many people do not understand that open skin, even a simple spot, can increase the chance of catching STIs. This is why sex workers will not have sex with any person who has any hint of open skin or wounding of any sort in the genital area, the mouth or anywhere that could lead to an exchange of bodily fluids.
Hygiene is also a necessity for practising safe sex, and to this day it staggers me how many people do not understand this. This is why I would always insist on people having a shower before I would do anything with them — as the majority of sex workers do.
There is also a reason why sex workers always put on the condoms, and it is because the majority of people, both male and female, are clueless about how to properly put on a condom, which is why often so many condoms tear and prove ineffective at preventing STIs — and pregnancies.
Another thing that especially scared me was how many people did not understand that many STIs can be passed on even when a condom is properly used.
The lack of knowledge about the risks of oral sex also shocked me, for example, herpes and gonorrhoea are more commonly passed on through oral sex than conventional sex, yet most don’t think there is any risk to it.
Also, a lot of people don’t understand giving a woman oral sex is riskier than giving a man oral sex. This is because when you give a woman oral sex, you are from the get-go drinking her genital fluids, therefore, if she has any yeast problems or STIs that can be passed on orally, you are at heightened risk of catching them. This is why I would only offer oral sex to women through use of a dental dam, which shocked many of the women who came to see me, especially the ones in male-female couplings.
Sticking to the female side of the equation, it scared how many both men and women didn’t understand that when two women have sex, it is on some levels riskier than when a man and a woman have sex mainly because it is harder to protect yourself from exchanging genital fluids.
For example, if a woman fingers herself and then fingers a female sexual partner, this is an exchange of vaginal fluids, as such, this is a path to passing on BV, yeast infections and STIs. Despite this, virtually every female who came to see me attempted to do just this at some point, and I had to stop them and explain why. The looks of shock on their faces were always telling.
So, my time as a sex worker taught me just how much we need to massively improve sex education — especially in regards to how to practice safe sex — because it taught that many men and women are so clueless about how to practice safe sex, it is scary.
People are a lot more open to enlisting the services of a sex worker for their partners than popular belief would have you believe
When it came to my regulars, I was surprised that several of them had wives who fully knew that they were visiting me, and were actually happy about it. Obviously, some of the guys could have been lying about their wives knowing, but not all of them could have because I actually became friendly with a few of their wives, one especially.
The couple were in their 50s and she would answer the door every time I went to his address. She was lovely. So lovely that at first, I wondered if he was taking liberties, but the more I spoke to her the more it became clear that it was actually her idea for him to enlist my services.
She told me that after menopause, her sex drive had just collapsed, and that in truth she was just done with sex. It was just one of those things, but her husband still had a high sex drive and inevitably that created a problem.
However, having once been a sex worker herself, she had concluded that just because she didn’t want sex anymore, didn’t mean that he should be deprived of it. She told me that he frequently sent her to the spa for a massage (a nonsexual one), so in her mind why shouldn’t she reciprocate by getting a masseuse for him, but one more tailored to his liking?
And it wasn’t just women doing this for their male partners, a gay man was married to a man who was bi, and as a present he would send his partner to see me now and then. Some guys also would even call me up and send their wives to see me for a massage as a present. Also, when it came to massages, some of my regular female clients were in lesbian relationships and their partners were fully on board. I actually became quite friendly with one couple.
So, something that being a sex worker taught me is that many people have a lot more liberal and pragmatic mindset when it comes to sex workers than many would believe, and having a liberal and pragmatic mindset when it comes to sex workers to the point you are happy to allow your partner to see one, can go a long way to fixing sex problems in relationships.
Men want to feel safe just as much as women — but too many people won’t let them be weak
Before I started sex work, I assumed that all I would be doing was providing a service for mainly men’s sexual needs. On that front, I assumed that it would be quite straightforward, and I was largely right.
The majority of men who came to see me when it came to the sex part were quite universal in what they wanted, and it normally went along the lines of some French kissing, they finger me a little bit, I give them oral sex, some then like to suckle on my nipples, some like to go down on me, some skip this part and go straight to the next part, where I ride them for a little bit, then it’s on to doggy, then they either ejaculate in that position, or I give them a helping hand to finish.
I would do this either from a girlfriend experience perspective or from a porn star experience perspective — depending on their preference. Some men obviously had very specific things they wanted, some of which could be especially out there, but most were along the lines of the above.
However, what I did not expect was just how much emotional support I would be providing. For example, I would often find myself in a way mothering men — some of who were often more than twice my age — because they were that mentally fragile and that starved of a safe place from their partners.
That’s sad because everyone sometimes feels fragile and needs somebody to be the adult for a moment to make the world feel like a better and safer place to be in it.
My work as a sex worker taught me that just as many men need this safe place as women, but it taught me that even fewer men get it than women — especially from their partners.
So, being a sex worker taught me that when it comes to needing mental support from their partner, men and women are a lot more alike than popular culture would have us all believe, because men need to be weak sometimes just as much as women, and as such need someone to let them be weak just as much as women.
Note: if women ever are going to be truly seen as men’s equals, we need a world where men can be weak otherwise women have no hope because in a world where women can be seen as weak, but men can’t, men will always appear stronger. So, the fact that so many women won’t let the men in their lives be weak frustrates the holy crap out of me. That means if you’re a woman, and you’re doing this, stop it.
Sex work is valid work
The final thing I learned from being an escort is that sex work is valid work, and it truly has the power to bring a lot of support and help — both mentally and physically — to a lot of people.
That means it’s just as important an industry as any other industry, and as such, the people in it should be given the same respect.
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, you may also enjoy the following: