Effective Ways to Handle Feelings of Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy is not harmful, nor does it make us horrible people
We all experience feelings of jealousy and envy- but few of us will admit it. Because it is embarrassing to acknowledge jealousy, even to ourselves, we suppress it. We become angry instead. Anger is a more socially acceptable emotion than jealousy or envy.
We become critical and judgemental. We talk with an air of righteous indignation in an attempt to hide how we feel. We force ourselves to smile and give exaggerated compliments. Our faces end up looking like a case of botox gone wrong.
Sometimes, when we experience bouts of jealousy, we berate ourselves for not feeling happy as we should.
Yet, experiencing jealousy, like any other feeling, is not wrong. How we handle our emotions is what determines how they and we turn out.
Emotions are like a toddler who will not leave you alone until you have acknowledged them. If you fail to give them attention, they will double down on their whining. They will choose the most inconvenient time to rattle you. And as goes for the toddler, emotions are not to be ignored or indulged.
What happens when we stuff down our feelings of jealousy and envy or entertain them too much? They control us and lead us to the slippery path of competing and comparing ourselves to others. We become incapable of building healthy relationships or setting and achieving goals that inspire us.
There is no shame in feeling, but it is harmful to hide from or suppress emotions.
Instead of fighting feelings of jealousy, become curious, and explore them.
When we feel jealous, our first instinct is to stop and switch to reverse gear. We force ourselves to be happy. We intellectualize and imagine how we are supposed to feel. We express joy as if we were performing on stage. Because our mind tells us how we should feel, we act it.
But suppressed emotions do not disappear. They pile up. Have you had the unfortunate experience of someone, or maybe yourself, blurting out something so hateful in response to the success of a random person? It could be they were reacting to someone on TV. Suppressed jealousy knows no bounds.
Whenever you sense jealousy feelings coming up, sit with them. Be compassionate with yourself.
Talk to yourself the same way you would a 2-year-old who cries for the toy belonging to another child. Remind yourself it is okay to feel that way sometimes. Ask why you feel jealous. Do you want what the other person has?
You might find there is no reason for your jealousy. It was a flash of emotion that hit you. You have no desire to have what the other person has and are happy for them. Or you may discover you do want it.
Instead of letting the emotions simmer and get turned into bitterness or unhealthy competition, you feel inspired. You can decide to reach out to the person and ask them for help or guidance on how to go about accomplishing the same. They will know you are genuine — energy does not lie — and will be willing to help you or direct you to the right people or resources.
Even if they turn you down, you will seek another way, but your motivation and conscience will be clear.
Make it about the other person, not yourself.
Last Christmas, I was juggling cooking, cleaning, and handling three kids — and one was being a real pain. In the middle of a migraine, my friend sent me a beautiful photo of herself on vacation, basking by the pool. Ugh, the jealousy — puff!
I took a breath, hugged myself, and responded to her. She looked so happy and was enjoying herself, and it was a privilege to share some of the fun — vicariously. A private person, I knew she didn’t share news of her joy with just anyone. She trusted I would be happy for her.
Jealousy sometimes is a result of making others’ life events about us.
Stepping out of our crappy day and immersing ourselves in another’s bliss for the moment takes away all the feelings of envy and jealousy. Instead of seeing their good fortune through the lenses of our own life, we take a break from our self-absorption.
Look at the whole picture.
Life is cyclical. When on top of the wheel — or struggling at the bottom of it — we tend to forget that. Just because I or someone else has everything going well for them does not mean it will always be like that.
The opposite is true. Life struggles are not everlasting. When we remind ourselves of the seasonal nature of life, we realize how futile indulging in jealousy or envy is. We become genuinely happy for our good fortune and that of others. We also know that when one area of life is running smoothly, not all are. But we celebrate the good anyway.
We avoid getting cocky and stop trying to elicit envy from our friends and those around us. And we are careful not to allow ourselves to drown in self-pity when we are struggling.
Gratitude Practice
Gratitude is the best antidote for jealousy. When we make gratitude practice a part of our lives, jealousy gets pushed away. When envy shows up, it will be fleeting. We wave it off like we do an irritating fly attempting to land on our head. It will hardly bother us.
Practising gratitude brings to the fore all the good that is in our lives, most of which we may have taken for granted. When we start to feel thankful for things as little as a glass of water, we realize the abundance within and around us. We feel fortunate. Where feelings of envy and jealousy once resided — joy, a sense of peace and gratitude, now occupy.
In Conclusion
Jealousy is not harmful, nor does it make us horrible people. Only when we act on it — in unhealthy ways — does it become toxic.
When we feel jealous, our system is telling us to pay attention. Something is off. We explore the feeling with self-compassion, without shaming or becoming self-critical. This way, we grow in self-awareness and emotional strength. We keep emotional garbage off our system.