Effective Parenting Skills to Embrace For a Happier Household
How and why my patterns of parenting changed after learning about child cognitive development
The difference between assuming how to raise a child versus what I learned by educating myself on a child’s brain development was astronomical.
Before I had my baby last year, I was unaware of how drastically my life would change. I was about to bring a child into this world, and the only knowledge I had on parenting was taught to me by my parents. My parents were neglectful and lacked the essential skills needed to nurture a child, so I had to rewrite my own approach.
My idea was that once I had my daughter, I would be the truest mom by doing everything contrary to everything my parents did. I wanted to make sure my girl would be raised perfectly.
Once my daughter arrived, I realized that being the perfect mom wasn’t only unobtainable, it was also naive. As I’m sure most parents have thought, their kid is going to be the mascot for what a “good” child is believed to be.
As the months passed, I realized, aside from being loving and responsive, I had no idea what I was doing. I had no concept of early childhood development. I didn’t want to be overly strict, or not strict enough. There has to be a balance, I thought. So I spent months obtaining advice on parenting from family, friends, studies — virtually any form of early childhood education I could read.
I started to apply what I learned from my research to my life.
These parenting techniques are essential to raising a happy, healthy, intelligent little human.
Avoid Aggressive Discipline
The word discipline means to educate and instruct. However, when most people hear that word, they associate it with training a child via punishment.
I used to think that teaching a child with rigorous discipline is what was needed—but teaching by nurturing is what’s required.
The thought of yelling or being aggressive towards my child made me feel awful. Nonetheless, sometimes she would do things that made me grab my hair and want to shout as loud as I can, such as grabbing the cat and stuffing him in a shoebox. That urge to scream is normal, especially for a new parent.
But I learned that yelling or being aggressive with your child not only frightens them, it can also negatively affect them.
Understanding how to carry out positive discipline based on the child’s age is essential. The cognitive ability to understand cause and effect is critical when disciplining a child: teach them, don’t just instruct. Demonstrate to them why touching the stove is bad, don’t just discipline them.
For example, when my daughter was one, she lacked the basic knowledge of cause and effect. You may think that a toddler is capable of understanding what they are doing is wrong, but they really don’t. They know we make sounds or gestures at them when they do something we say is bad, but the cognitive ability to understand “bad” isn’t there. Spanking or shouting at a toddler for not listening isn’t effective and does nothing positive for them, mentally or emotionally.
I made the mistake of assuming that my toddler’s persistent need to “disobey” me was because she was deliberately not listening, when in fact she was just naturally exercising her boundaries and developing the ability to recognize cause and effect.
Here are a few examples of how I now teach my child in place of aggressive discipline:
- When my 17-month-old daughter goes to whack the cat, instead of shouting at her or putting her in time out, I teach her. I sit and calmly illustrate why to not hit the cat, and reinforce it with a positive reaction, such as showing her how to pet the cat — and then I praise her for being gentle.
- When my daughter is disgruntled and throwing toys, I have to remember she’s not bitter and violent. She is expressing displeasure the only way she knows how. I speak calmly and find a solution with her, as opposed to being aggressive. Matching anger with anger only teaches hostility.
Don’t Discipline When You’re Angry
If and when you plan on disciplining your child, don’t do so when you are angry.
It’s typical to feel irritated with your children. They are not adults—their cognitive abilities are far from being developed enough to comprehend our anger as justified. They only see our anger and associate it with their fear.
When my daughter is doing something she shouldn’t be doing, I’ve learned, through self-discipline, to react out of love. It is a complicated process to learn, but it’s worth it for you and your child's sake.
When you discipline your child while angry, they will stop what they’re doing. However, they aren’t stopping because they respect you or understand you; they are stopping because they fear you. Physical or harsh retribution will only shock your child and stimulate aggression.
I remember when my daughter just turned one and I caught her destroying photos of my deceased mother, I became quickly enraged and shouted at her while snatching the shreds out of her hands. The regret I felt was instant—she became afraid of me. Sure, she stopped shredding my memories, but it was because she was fearful of me shouting at her.
You will find yourself angry with your children. Remembering to be gentle is not an easy task. However, if you allow yourself to cool down before approaching the situation, eventually you will train your brain to address those situations calmly.
Here are some examples of the strategies I use that have drastically benefited my child and me:
Use firm but delicate language
When I am trying to get a point across to my child, I am quiet and calm, yet assertive. I want her to know that there are boundaries, and I do so without name-calling, aggressiveness, or blaming. An excellent way to exercise this is to practice it.
Make discipline about learning — not about getting in trouble
I found that my child is much more responsive when I stop the behavior and address it with a moment of clarity. I explain to her the dangers of a situation instead of scolding her for doing something terrible. She has responded with a listening ear instead of trying to rebel. Even small children who aren’t capable of understanding your words will respond to being educated instead of being scolded.
Use the compliment sandwich technique
Instead of pointing out what she’s doing is wrong, I point out what she can do that is right. For instance, if she is trying to dig in the cat’s litter box, I will say,
“Well, that looks like a fun pile of sand”
and then,
“but it’s not safe to play in a litter box because it’s dirty.”
and then I end it with another positive,
“Let’s go find something else to play with.”
Show love after discipline
After I alert my daughter of doing something wrong, I make sure to let her know with my actions, that I am not upset with her. I disapprove of what she is doing, I am not upset with her as an individual.
Set a good example
I make sure to be cognitive of what I am doing around my child. Our children look to us for every aspect of growth. If they see us yelling and being aggressive, they will mimic our behavior.
Catch them being good
Just as you would alert your child for doing something wrong, also do the same when you catch them being good. I noticed my child picking up her toys without me asking, or trying to help me with chores, I will praise her. I find that she is more willing to do good based on my positive and assuring reactions.
Choose Your Words Wisely
I have to remember that my daughter is listening to everything I say — not only what I say to her, but also how I react to her father, our family, and how I speak in public as well.
When it comes to speaking to my daughter, I have made sure to be careful with what I say. If she is going to repeat what I say, I want to make sure it is not toxic.
Aside from foul language and aggressive tones, I have had to train myself on how to speak around my daughter at all times. She is learning how to respond to every situation based on what we show her and say to her. As parents, we need to be mindful of what we say around, and to, our children.
Here are some common phrases that we may use as parents, but that I have discovered through trial and error to be not only ineffective but damaging.
“Because I said so”
“Because I said so” is a phrase we tend to use as parents because we get stressed out. It’s completely normal to be stressed; however, how we express that stress is what we need to be concerned about. Instead of saying because I said so, I will try to explain what I mean by giving examples.
What if my daughter wants to run out into the street, and when I tell her “no”, she asks why? Instead of saying, “ because I said so”, I approach it as a teaching experience. I explain to her why it’s dangerous. Not only is it beneficial as positive reinforcement, but it will also teach her reasons why she should not run into the street, versus not doing so and not understanding why.
“This is an adult conversation”
There’s a time and place for adult conversations; however, don’t dismiss your child because of curiosity. I have learned to engage in my daughter’s curiosity with our adult conversations. She may not understand what we are talking about, but it’s essential for her to see how adults communicate, problem-solve, and experience the difficulty or positives of everyday situations.
“I hate my job/life”
Studies have shown that a parent's attitude towards life greatly affects a child’s psyche. I have found that expressing my concerns in a positive manner is more influential on my child. Instead of saying you hate your life, or you hate your job, express what you are displeased about and give reasons.
“You’re OK”
I used to say this anytime my child cried. And for some reason, she would cry harder. However, I had to realize that while I feel like my child is OK, (no broken bones, etc.) She may not feel OK. She feels pain and fear; sometimes, saying “you’re OK” is telling her that nothing is wrong. When, in fact, it is. Instead of saying she’s OK, I now will hold her hand and say, “wow, hunny, that didn’t feel good, did it?”
How would you feel if you got hurt, or you were sad, and another adult came up and said, “you’re OK.” That would be awkward, and you might get irritated.
Follow Through
Whether it be discipline or promises, we have to follow through with what we say.
I made the mistake of letting my daughter get away with everything at first. If I announced not to touch something, she would touch it, and I would give unlimited chances because of how cute she was. And that may seem goofy, but it’s normal.
Parents, especially new parents, tend to let their kids get away with more because they don’t want to upset the child. However, boundaries are healthy. I do timeouts, so when my girl disobeys me, I give her two chances. I chose two because I want to give her time to think about her choices after the first “no”. If she doesn’t listen, we do timeout. They will cry, and get irate, but don’t cave. They need parental structure and boundary setting. You are their guide.
The same idea goes for promises. Don't make a promise if you can’t keep it. I'm sure we all remember one time our parents fibbed. I remember when my mom told us if we are good all year we can go to Disneyland — it never happened. Obviously, that destroys trust.
With my daughter, I have carelessly said, “we will go in the pool in a little bit.” Well, “a little bit” turned to 8 p.m., and it was now too late to keep my promise. I felt horrible, and my daughter did as well. Lying, even if unintentional, isn’t a fun experience. Don’t ever use a false reward to get your child to do something, its a lie, and it breaks the trust and bond between parent and child. Take a deep breath and think before you make a promise.
Expect to Learn Every Day
Our children are our primary concerns in life. Everything we do is not only for them, but they also replicate it.
Every day, we learn new ways to improve older parenting methods, and it is a continual struggle to maintain a positive attitude throughout the growth of our tiny ones. However, we should always improve on our parenting skills when given new and more influential methods.
Being the best parent you can be, to create a happier home and family, shouldn’t be a task; it should be natural.
I am still learning every day, but since applying these techniques, we have grown tremendously as a family. My little girl is more responsive, loving, intelligent, and eager to grow than she was with my previous parenting methods.
We have to watch what we say and do, constantly. Parenting isn’t merciful — not by a long shot. But we can make it easier by learning about the development of our children and apply appropriate child-rearing methods.
Keep promises, and follow through with them; show your kids that they can count on you. Love them entirely and treat them with the same devotion and respect you’d expect from them. They may be small and unequipped to grasp life entirely, but with your guidance, they can.
Know better, do better. Love harder, laugh louder.