FICTION | MASHUP

Edgar’s Reckoning

A ‘Monday Mashup’ Response

This is a response to the Monday Mash-Up #31 Challenge by Jonathon Sawyer. I challenge, William Porter, because he needs to get his retired ass writing and off the golf course.

And, happy birthday, Kenny the Kraken!

Edgar was a rich but unhappy man. His enormous wealth was only matched by his waistband. His few friends were sycophants who made fun of his weight, and his relatives never called or visited except to borrow money. He never knew love — never felt joy — never shared companionship with anyone. But Edgar’s life was about to take a drastic turn.

He crafted a plan for his fiftieth birthday party driven by the desire for vengeance. He sent out invitations to a select group of old co-workers, friends, and family who had abused him relentlessly over the years. His party would be the perfect occasion to exact retribution for their long-standing cruelty and ungratefulness.

Meanwhile, he bought several cases of fireworks from a back alley dealer and arranged to host a private party on one of his sprawling estates in the country. He spent the day of the event baking a colossal birthday cake. It was covered with cherry and white chocolate buttercream, and he hid a secret ingredient inside its sweet layers — cyanide.

In addition, he retrieved his father’s revolver from the safe, where he had kept it for years. His father was a cruel man who died of a heart attack when Edgar was twenty, leaving him a fortune and a legacy of pain. He hated his father and envied his power and authority. The weapon would be his final revenge against those who wronged him.

He wrapped the revolver in a box, decorated it with silk paper and a golden bow, and placed it near the cake as if it were a present for himself. He hoped that some of them would refuse to eat the cake so he could use the gun on them.

As the long-awaited hour neared, Edgar’s patience dwindled. He was intoxicated by the bourbon he had consumed, and he decided to set off a few fireworks to cheer up his sinking mood.

He kept looking at his Rolex as the party hour passed by. He felt more angry and drunk than ever. He grabbed another bottle of Wild Turkey and lit up more fireworks. The late evening sky became a dazzling display of colors and deafening sounds, no doubt heard for miles.

Still, no guests arrived.

He kept setting off more fireworks and cracking open another bottle of bourbon. Each launch became more grand than before, and his drunken guffaws highlighted each burst. Rage coursed through his veins. Had they ignored his invites? No, they would never miss a chance to mock him and ask him for money. He had promised his attendees free food and drinks — and a surprise — in the invitations he sent. How dare these freeloaders refuse?

Driven by boredom and booze, he ripped open the fancy gift box and pulled out the loaded gun. He shot at his empty whiskey bottles, but his drunkenness made him miss most of them.

A police cruiser rolled up to his house just then. His fireworks, which were almost gone, had attracted someone’s attention. Looking around, he saw a few failed ones burning on the grass and one in a tree.

Edgar panicked and tried to cover the cake, hoping to hide his secret from the officers fast approaching him with flashlights. He shouted at them to stop, or he would shoot.

The men froze and pulled out their weapons. “Sir, put down the weapon. We’re here about a noise complaint.”

Edgar pulled the trigger, but nothing happened — no more bullets. He cursed and threw the revolver at the police officers as they charged towards him.

They slammed his head to the ground and slapped cuffs on him. One sprinted to the cruiser, snatched an extinguisher, and doused the failed fireworks. Edgar struggled and started to sob uncontrollably.

“Let me go! It’s my birthday, goddammit! I have cake! I have guests coming! Do you know who I am? I’ll have you demoted to Alaska!”

The police officers shook their heads with pity before reading him his rights. Then, they pushed Edgar into the squad car and drove him to the station. They left behind the cake and his dreams of revenge.

A woman appeared a short while later, dressed for a party with high heels carried looped over a finger so she could run up the cobbled-stone driveway. In her other hand, she held a hastily wrapped present for Edgar, the birthday boy.

She had spotted his invitation — quite by accident — on top of an old school friend’s wastebasket in the kitchen and decided to surprise him.

She remembered the days when she and Edgar were classmates, and she always had a secret crush on him. His brains, kindness, and puppy-dog blue eyes always captivated her. But how could she hang out with someone like him while having friends like hers? She never confessed her feelings — after all, geeks and cheerleaders never mixed. She hoped this party would be a chance to reconnect with him and share her feelings.

But she saw only the birthday setup when she arrived. Where was Edgar? Or anybody else, for that matter. Had they gone home already?

She frowned at the sight. No one had touched the food under the warming lights except for the flies. And the cake, strangely, was partly covered by the tablecloth. What a waste. She hated to see a lovely cake go uneaten.

She sneaked a look behind her and reached for the cake, scooped up some icing, and popped it in her mouth. It was smooth and rich, unlike the cheap cakes she usually ate. Is that almond, too?

A few minutes later, a wave of pain swept through her stomach, making her gasp. She fell to the ground, clutching her throat as blood foamed from her mouth. Everything was spinning and fading around her. She felt cold and numb. As the stars grew dim and the lights of the party faded, she thought only one thing:

“Happy birthday, Edgar. I love you.”

Points:

Main Theme: Your hero has just turned a year older! [ 2 pts.]

Constraints: 1. A fire extinguisher [ 1 pt.] 2. Fireworks [1 pt.] 3. A delicious ingredient inside! (cyanide, which tastes like almonds) [1 pt.] 4. A present wrapped with a bow [1 pt.] 5. Someone throws a temper tantrum (poor Edgar) [1 pt.]

Hardcore Constraint: 1. Rob Everyone!: (Well, this is debatable. Edgar did steal from the only person who showed up to his party—the mysterious woman’s life.) [ 2 pts.]

Literary Device: 1. Theme of unrequited love (Poor Ms. Noname-From-School) [5 pts.]

Total, plus doing the tally [1 pt.]: 15 points.