Women Tampering with Contraception to Try to Get Pregnant Is More Common Than You Think
As are other forms of sexual assault by women
A German court recently found a woman guilty of sexual assault for poking holes in her partner’s condoms. The woman was handed a six-month suspended sentence, and the case was billed as historical due to it being the first ever to prosecute a woman for “reverse” stealthing.
The 39-year-old woman was in a “friends with benefits” relationship with her 42-year-old partner. However, the woman is reported to have developed deeper feelings and later confessed to secretly poking holes in the packet of condoms in the hopes of becoming pregnant.
It is reported that she said she was worried her biological clock was ticking but her partner was not into the idea of having a child, or of them evolving into a couple, and so she made efforts to secretly get pregnant by tainting their contraception. Her partner reportedly became aware of the betrayal after the woman admitted to poking holes in the condoms. He then pressed charges against her, which she admitted to.
She was charged with sexual assault and given a 6 month suspended sentence. Judge Astrid Salewski, who made legal history by charging the woman for this offence, the first time a court has done so anywhere in the world, said, according to DW: “No means no here as well.”
Disclaimer: trigger warning, topics of sexual violence are discussed in this post.
Why this case is a really important step
This case struck a chord with me as I had a similar experience of something like this happening. When I was in my early 30s, on a night out, I bumped into an old flame — she was 40 at the time. Things got a little bit sexually heated, and we ended up back at her place.
I would normally use a condom — even with an old flame, better safe than sorry — but she is unable to because of a silicon allergy. However, when we dated in the past, she had had the coil fitted, she told me that was still the case. I believed her. Then morning came and, with her face guilt-ridden, she admitted that she had lied.
She told me that she felt her biological clock was ticking and that after her previous relationship ended had become desperate to try to get pregnant.
She said that her friend had said — after she had bumped into me — why not just go for it. She told me that her friend had done it successfully with her partner and that they were now happily married and had a little boy — as if somehow that would make it better.
Admittedly, she was very apologetic and clearly felt guilty, and at the time, I didn’t really know how to react. I was that shocked that she would do it and considering she was nearly in tears, I just kind of passively said that she better have the morning-after pill, which she did.
But looking back, I regret not having reacted differently, making clear how much of a betrayal this was, because it did affect me and continues to. It robbed me of the ability to fully trust women when it comes to contraception. Even now I’m very reluctant even if a partner says they’re using it to fully believe them — especially if they don’t have kids and are in their 30s.
That’s why I give the guy who brought this case against the woman for trying to trick him into having a child credit. More men need to report this kind of behaviour when they become aware of it. The fact that when it happened to me, I didn’t even consider it a crime is part of the problem.
It is a crime. Too many men, myself included, do not treat sexual crimes against us as sexual crimes — and not just ones like this, all kinds. That is a problem. I don’t think I would have prosecuted her for it — perhaps that is also a problem — but I should have at least seen it as a crime.
And it’s not just about behaviour like this, it is about all forms of sexual assault and domestic abuse against men full stop. Men point blank do not report or even talk about abuse against them anywhere near enough — especially if the perpetrator is a woman.
Men do not talk enough by a long shot about the sexual abuse they face
It’s believed that men are over 10 times less likely to report a sexual crime against them than women, though some estimates put it as high as over 20 times or even higher — the crazy thing is women don’t report it enough as it is.
The reason the majority of women don’t report it is due to fear of being shamed or not believed, but in men, these fears are substantially stronger. Considering how high these fears are in women, that is scary.
What is even scarier is despite the fact that the laws around sexual assault are not fit for purpose when it comes to protecting women from sexual abuse, they are light years better than the laws and systems in place to protect men.
Women can’t legally rape men in the majority of countries
In the majority of countries, the law specifically states that rape is by forced penetration with a penis. That means if you don’t have a penis, by law, you can’t be a rapist in the majority of countries. The reason this is madness is that it’s believed that globally between 1 in 30 to 70 men will be raped over their lifetime, and of the perpetrators, it is believed between 30 and 50 percent will be female.
Also, women are often victims of female rapists, studies vary, but between 4 and 10 percent of female victims have a female perpetrator. This does not include the cases where females have aided a man in the rape of a female.
For example, a widely publicised case in the UK several years back saw a woman deceive another woman into believing she was a man and then raping her with a strap-on. However, she was charged with sexual assault, not rape.
A simple Google search will provide similar cases of women raping people but being charged with sexual assault, not rape.
That means large numbers of women force others to have sex with them against their will. Yet those women in the majority of countries — including the United Kingdom and the majority of European countries — will never be prosecuted as rapists even if their victims took them to court, all they can be prosecuted with is sexual assault.
That’s wrong and inevitably sends out the wrong message. It tells people that women can’t rape people which is false. Women can rape men and women just as men can.
For example, in the US, the National Crime Victimisation survey shows that 40 percent of victims of rape and sexual crime are men. A 2008 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 46 percent of male victims in the US report a female as having been a perpetrator. Even more scarily, when it comes to prison data, the same study found 89 percent of boys in juvenile facilities who report having been abused sexually report it was a female staff member who carried out the abuse. In total, the study showed a crazy 900,000 incidents of sexual abuse against boys, the vast majority carried out by women.
It should be noted that there are more male rapists than female rapists, but that does not change the fact that there are a lot of female rapists, millions around the globe, and if we are to finally start winning the battle against sexual violence, they need to be called out just as much as the male rapists and sexual abusers.
How can that be done if they can’t even by law be called rapists in the vast majority of countries?
Note: conventional rape is a person forcibly penetrating another, but it is widely accepted that being forced to penetrate another is also rape. This form of rape is not as prevalent as forced penetration, but it is increasingly becoming prevalent. Of men who suffer from this form of rape, 80 percent report a female having been the perpetrator.
Men need to start talking more about their experiences
When I was 17, my first kiss was the result of a sexual assault by an older woman. I was in a nightclub and a woman — who was in her mid-30s and likely upwards of 20 stone — was sat at a table opposite me. She motioned over to me with a finger as if she wanted to tell me something, so I leaned over the table, and she suddenly grabbed me by the back of my head and tried to ram her tongue down my throat.
I remember struggling to stay on my feet due to being lent across a table and I had to bite her tongue to get her to back off. And it literally felt like it lasted an age, I even remember the taste, her mouth was dry and tasted of rotten eggs and tequila. I can still taste it even now. When she finally released me, she looked at me and said: “You’re welcome.”
That was not the end of it, I remember her friend — who was sat next to her — looked at me like I was an absolute monster. The way she was looking at me made me feel like I had just committed a heinous crime. Think about that, a random obese woman in her mid-30s near enough pins a 17-year-old down and forcibly kisses him and the people around her treat that 17-year-old like he is the guilty party.
What makes matters worse, I never at any point for years thought a crime had been committed against me, yet if anyone did that to a woman, I would have immediately seen it as one. That is a problem and is shared by many people. We don’t treat sexual crimes against men — especially ones committed by women — as crimes and that is a problem. To stop sexual violence, we need to.
I can list many more examples, in my late teens and early 20s I used to work in the nightclub industry and used to party a lot, I literally on a nightly basis would be repeatedly groped. Random feels of my crotch, my ass, my abs, my arms, my chest. Women were the guilty party, mostly older ones. My friend used to work with his top off and he used to get it even worse than me.
The thing is though, none of us ever treated any of this as a crime against us, and it happened so frequently that nobody really talked much about it other than as an odd passing joke.
That’s because if you did complain, there was one response you typically always got. The best way to explain that response is through the following story, I knew a guy who worked as a male stripper, we were gym friends, I joked one time about maybe becoming one to earn some extra cash and he told me definitely not to.
This is the reason he gave me, the rules are people are not supposed to touch him, especially his cock, unless he permits them to. However, frequently, women at the hen parties simply did not adhere to these rules and many times would just grab his cock and either start wanking or sucking him off without ever asking permission.
He told me he told his boss that this was happening, and she said to him these very words, “What’s the problem, are you gay?” That is the most common response people give to any guy who complains about any form of sexual assault by a woman.
Final words
Society has indoctrinated so many men and women into believing that a man being sexually assaulted by a woman is a good thing, that we have created a world where large numbers of people truly believe that a woman can’t rape or sexually assault a man.
They can. Millions of men can attest to the fact that they can. Only by getting men to talk about these problems more, about how they have really affected them, and only by having society rather than shaming men, instead backing them, will people truly start seeing that though men may not be on average as vulnerable to sexual assault as women, they sure as hell are vulnerable to it.
That’s why I give this man who reported this woman for poking holes in a condom such credit. It may be the first case of it to lead to a charge, but it definitely is not the first case, not by a long shot — some estimate that it’s likely that thousands of children a year are born by reverse stealthing i.e. the woman lying about contraception to try to get pregnant, most of these cases are believed to occur in long-term relationships.
Only once men start talking more can we start stopping such things — along with a lot of other abusive behaviours — happening. To put it more bluntly, the only way we start winning the battle against sexual violence is by changing the narrative from men versus women, to good people versus bad. We need men to start talking more for that to happen.
That’s all from me, thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy the following:
13 Facts About Domestic Abuse That Will Open Your Mind To How Big The Problem Is
She Was 5 ft, I Was 6 ft 2 — I Was Mentally Abused by Her
I Started Hitting the Party Scene Sober — It Taught Me the True Power of Alcohol
Some external links on the subject of male abuse by females:
‘Stealthing’ Woman Who Poked Holes in Man’s Condoms Sentenced
Domestic Violence Statistics Show It is Not Just a Man Problem
The Understudied Female Sexual Predator
Male Sexual Victimization: Examining Men’s Experiences of Rape and Sexual Assault
Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics
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