Eating Norman Begins with a Sausage

In 4351 BC, Norman the Great was working the campfire when he accidentally decapitated his right finger.

The appendage slipped onto the fire and began to sizzle. Excitedly, the other members of his tribe fought over the burnt appendage as the smell of barbequed flesh proved too strong to resist. After each member took a bite, they decided to throw the rest of Norman into the fire and eat him for dinner.

Thus, the modern BBQ was born.

Saturday afternoon in the small rural village of Fitzhead, Somerset, Norman’s very distant relative was attending a tea party. His parents also named him Norman for reasons unfathomable to their friends and relatives. They imagined Norman would one day conquer the world. They were wrong.

Norman had been invited at the behest of Matilda. She thought he looked good enough to eat.

As Norman stood rigid in the far corner of the BBQ party, he reflected upon his choice to attend the sausage-fest shindig. All around him, in whatever direction he looked, were beautiful people in swimwear wearing fashionable plastic shoes. Norman, dressed head to toe in corduroy, felt very exposed.

“Norman, you having fun?”

“Riot. This is literally too much. A blast, Matilda. Like an explosion in a chocolate factory where I’m the Mars Bar and the world is my nougat.”

“What?”

“Sorry. I make senseless words in a jumbled mess when nervous.”

Matilda moved on. Any thoughts or lingering empathy for Norman’s plight quickly vanished. Norman was weird. He deserved to be the evening's entertainment. Matilda cast a sly glance at Norman’s buttocks and thought about fried chicken drumsticks.

Within the hour, Norman would be sliced in quarters and honey roasted over an open fire. His remains would be fed to the German Shephard, Rotundo, a retired police dog with a taste for human flesh.

In 4351 BC, Norman the Great launched a movement that threatened to change the world’s dietary habits. What began as a half-eaten joke between friends morphed into a gluttonous salami festival for cannibals. Only the dark ages and assorted plagues prevented the widespread appeal of devouring Normans on toast.

But in a quiet Somerset village, the beautiful people of Fitzhead toasted Norman at their annual BBQ, celebrating a centuries-old tradition.

For all the Normans.