Eat

A Poem

If I could I might just sit here all day and eat I try hard, really to self-cheer, self-motivate, self-activate, and then life swirls and overwhelms and I want to change it all fix it all stop it all heal it all or lacking that sit on my couch and eat and eat and eat high school girl style back when I was skinny and young but thought I was the most hideous sight on the planet when I tried to not eat and eat because the games we played as teenage girls in the 1990s involved who could reach anorexia without failing and heads up and thankfully yes I always failed I was a terrible anorexic and plus I had read Reviving Ophelia at age 16 and I knew what was what about myself and my people but that did not stop me from that dose of teen girl self-hate and that does not stop me now, Brene Brown books by my side, I tell myself my same old stories over and over again, isolated, alone, unwanted, not enough, unworthy and I want to sit and sit and eat and eat and see how that turns out this time and I know I know I know it is going to pass it is not how life is this is temporary this is from feelings and this is not who I am or how I am it is just one little part of me that somehow acts out and of course as far as acting out goes this is really minor and truthfully acceptable I am not hurting anymore and not really hurting myself as my curves remain the same or within the same curve window regardless of my day on the couch my day of eating my day of being eaten by my thoughts my day of eating my heart in and out my day of wondering what it might be like to experience pure joy because I realized today my scale is tilted in so many ways I have come to experience being just okay as in safe as in not actively in flight mode as being joy and I think that might not be what joy is for most I wonder what it might feel like to feel joy a bit and to know it and hold it and appreciate it and then be changed perhaps no longer on the fight or flight scale of life no longer on this treadmill of what will happen if this happens what will happen if this does not happen what will happen what will happen what will happen as if wondering is control as if worrying is prevention as if anxiety is a buffer and again we know it is not I am not surrounded by all of these mindfulness zen Buddhist self help books for nothing I am not almost 40 for nothing I am not a woman in this society for nothing I know what Oprah told my mom and so do you we get the idea, we know what happiness is and what self love is and we know what helps and hurts and yet here I am and I know, sweetie I know, you might be struck down with me, separate, alone, together, solidarity in the zoning out of Marvel movies all day combined with Little Debbies and whatever else I can find in this pre-groceries for the week house the cupboards are indeed bare my friends and I wonder what it would be like to be on this couch for as long as I needed with as much as I needed in terms of both food and snacks and movies and people in terms of people who might share this couch who might share this blanket who might bundle up and snuggle up and understand and exist in this space of knowing what actually is actual in terms of thoughts that are not us in terms of feelings that are not permanent in terms of knowing what life is in big time deep time cosmic time and knowing that today right now life is this couch and this hunger and this space to fill and letting whatever all of this is be okay

Jenny Justice is a poet mom who brings poetry to life in ways that spark empathy, connection, joy, and feeling. You can read more of her poetry at Justice Poetic. Sign up for her poem a week newsletter here.