Be Prepared for Men to Convert to Catholicism in Droves This Valentine’s Day

This will happen

It may seem early to be writing about Valentine’s Day, but it’s actually only two weeks away (and the stores have been selling Valentine’s candy since the day after Christmas anyway). You can tell it’s getting closer, because just like with Mother’s Day, the dozen roses that normally cost $9.99 from a street vendor now cost $59.99 and will go even higher by February 14th. This year, however, florists are in for a rude awakening and dismal sales, and they have the Catholic Church to thank.

I predict that millions (perhaps tens of millions) of men will suddenly feel called by God to join the Catholic Church between now and February 13th, and countless more will return to the Church after decades away. This is because in 2024, Ash Wednesday falls on February 14th, giving men who screw up Valentine’s Day every year an excuse to avoid it entirely, all with the approval of the Church of Rome. You can’t celebrate with flowers, candy, and a fancy dinner on the day of prayer and fasting that begins the season of Lent.

Most women would be more surprised that their significant other remembered Valentine’s Day exists at all than by such an extreme attempt to avoid it. For years, one of my favorite things to do on Valentine’s Day was to stop at my local grocery store after 6 p.m. to watch the guys who forgot what day it was until someone reminded them at work; the fights that broke out over the last remaining bunch of wilted carnations was more entertaining than any WWE Royal Rumble since Hulk Hogan retired.

If you are one of those guys who chooses to swim the Tiber to avoid dropping $200 on dinner, a few words of advice are in order. First, you can’t just say “I have to fast and pray because I’m Catholic now.” Words are cheap. You will need to actually go into a church that Wednesday morning and get ashes put on your forehead. Leave them there the entire day; your sweetie will need to see them. Be prepared for a large crowd at Mass; Catholics always show up when free stuff is given away, even ashes.

Also, to pull this off you will need to withhold the announcement of your conversion until the morning of the 14th. Any sooner and your wife/girlfriend/partner will suggest combining Valentine’s Day with Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) on the 13th. If that happens, you’ll not only have to deal with ridiculously overpriced roses and an expensive dinner but also a horde of drunken revelers throwing cheap beads at you all night. It’s the worst of both worlds.

Finally, you should seriously consider the commitment required to pull off this ruse properly before undertaking it. Unless you want to suddenly be single on February 15th, you cannot immediately revert to being a lapsed Catholic/Baptist/atheist/Jedi/whatever when Valentine’s Day is done. You will have to go all in, eating the horrible Wendy’s fish sandwiches every Friday of Lent and sticking with the Church all the way to Easter Sunday. Anything less will expose you as the fraud you actually are.

While the guys reading this are jumping up and down with glee, the women are likely having none of it. Being more astute on the whole than we men are, they have quickly recognized my semi-humorous ramblings for what they are: an attempt to get men who haven’t darkened the door of a church since elementary school back into the embrace of Holy Mother Church. Guilty as charged; to paraphrase St. Paul, I will write all things to all people in the hope that I might reach some.

Even with my subterfuge exposed, however, my gift-challenged male readers are impaled on the horns of a dilemma: do they risk screwing up the only official romantic holiday of the year once again or sit through a ten-minute sermon to get some ashes? In order to unify the warring Protestant and Catholic factions of France in 1593, the Protestant King Henry IV converted to Catholicism, famously saying “Paris is well worth a Mass.” That was just Paris; relational bliss is a far greater and more elusive thing.

See you at Mass on the 14th; I’ll save you a seat.

If you enjoyed this story, you can support my writing directly by leaving a tip below using the small (and kind of weird) hand icon (you tip waiters and bartenders, so why not writers?).