BAD WRITING KILLS

Dreck on Medium, Part 53

Stop clapping for mediocrity or hellfire awaits you

Dear Medium Members and Freeloading Barnacles,

Today I read an article that reminded me of Seinfeld, without the humor. The fake writer mostly wrote in full sentences, but that’s where her mastery of writing the written word (i.e. “the Craft”) wobbled and waned.

We all have to start somewhere, but I was stumped to see 500+ claps for this mindless dreck.

It was a post about nothing. If you recall, Seinfeld pitched a comedy show about nothing. If you don’t recall, maybe consider sobering up and buying a television.

It’s a riddle for the ages, not unlike The Riddler’s taunts to Batman.

“What’s Black And Blue And Dead All Over? You.”

Who is reading this dreck, tweens?

It’s unoriginal, uses stock photos like a junkie uses a stairwell, and is riddled — no pun intended — with typos and syntactical violations galore.

I’m tempted to leave a comment to say the post is pointless, cliched, shallow, and trite, but why add to the attention?

This Medium writer has thousands of followers. Could be, 79% of them are twelve-year-olds, but I’m dubious.

Underestimate My Intelligence, Why Dontcha?

The circus entrepreneur, PT Barnum, was correct but he didn’t go far enough:

“No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.”

It’s not only ‘Merica — most creatures would fit here, from Brazilians to Pomeranians. So is that the answer, dumbness?

I don’t think it’s quite so simple, after all — we Medium peeps are literate.

I’m guilty of not running every post through Grammarly, but since I write complete sentences my errors consist of typos and missed words. In this article, the syntax itself was monstrous and one-eyed, like the Cyclops.

But hey, we all make mistakes, right? Forget about the quality of writing for a second, I know I kind of have, ROFLOL, and let’s focus on the meaning and purpose.

The article is someone’s observations about daily life. She has no pedigree for such a task. She isn’t:

— old and wise — old and cynical — old — living as a digital nomad — Michael Pollan

The Reason George Sanders Killed Himself

There once was a fabulous actor and quipper named George Sanders. You’ve seen him, he played the urbane, witty theatre critic in All About Eve. He was the voice of reason in the precursor to Children of the Corn (“Village of the Damned”). He showed up in Dorian Gray.

Dorian Gray was the aristocrat who kept a portrait of himself in a closet, and the painting aged but he never did. Dorian ended up with some personality issues, not unlike the ones faced by vampires and aging botox-fueled actresses.

George Sanders committed suicide at the age of 65. His paraphrased note read.

“Goodbye, everyone. I was bored.”

On the surface, what does this tragic death of this acting icon have to do with bad Medium writing?

Nothing, just like Seinfeld.

But look deeper and you will find the shining pearl of wisdom.

He was bored because there is nothing new under the sun. For whatever reason, George ran out of entertainment. It’s a shame, because Watergate was right around the corner.

He was reading the equivalent of Medium in 1972 and realized it had all been said before, and now some twenty-six year old was trying to tell him something he already knew.

So he picked up a bottle of barbiturates and exited.

It might have been a homicide, because bad writing kills.

Final Original Thoughts

Look, we can’t all be Bjork or Jim Carrey. Originality is like comedy, it’s hard. But in the meantime, Medium writers, don’t write another idiotic post about how you overpaid for a plate of avocado toast.

If you want to write about avocado toast, make it funny or tell us about the fascinating history of avocados!

If you are reading about toast, even the kind with an image of Jesus, think it over before you clap.

Ask yourself, what would The Riddler do?

Sincerely,

The Unclapper

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Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Story, published. But wait, there’s more! For free humor on Substack, check out Flying Monkey Mind.