THE DYNAMICS OF DREAMING
What Having Sex in Your Dreams Really Means
What you don’t know might surprise you.
If you’ve found yourself waking in a pool of sweat, aching in your loins from a shockingly lucid encounter with a dream lover, you’re not alone (pun intended). People all over the world are sharing your experience in one form or another, and it doesn’t usually mean what most people think it does.
Dreams are complicated, multidimensional maps of consciousness. They are rarely, if ever, accurately interpreted by an initial review. The first recognition of your dream may barely skim the surface of a multi-layered puzzle of communication from your subconscious to your conscious mind.
So how does this play into steamy, sexually infused dream scenes?
Dreams often communicate deeply penetrating truths about us, the truths that we don’t give room to breathe lest they lead us down a road too hard to follow — a road that we don’t want to admit exists within us — and so we pretend to play at life blindly because we aren’t brave enough to allow ourselves to take a deeper look. If we did, we’d have to take responsibility for what we find, and it is a rare person indeed who really wants to do that.
Your sex dreams may actually have to do with sex. On the other hand, they may have nothing to do with the physical act of sex at all.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen lengthy testimonial threads in online dream forums about sex with an “ex” or sex with a boss, or sex with a parent, or “I dreamt that my boyfriend had sex with my best friend,” or sex with someone other than your spouse, or…. you name it, it’s there — usually laced with alarming tones. Suffice to say, sex in dreams is a major concern for a lot of dreaming minds.
The first thing you need to realize about the language of your dreams, is that it’s symbolic — your dream images are like secret codes that contain very specific messages and meanings — and there’s nothing sloppy about it. Dreams, if interpreted rightly, will tell you a lot.
The second thing to know, is that the majority of what appears on the screen of your dreaming mind is in reference to your own life circumstances and the various aspects of yourself and how you are psychospiritually positioned in each situation, from each unique point of view.
What that means is that dreams can be interpreted on a subjective as well as an objective level. It’s not necessarily either or, but often can include both in different ways.
The subjective level is all about your own psyche. So if a person shows up in your dreams, subjectively that person doesn’t actually represent themselves, but rather they are a representation of some unconscious aspect of your own psyche. In other words, your mother may represent your intuition or your “mothering nature” rather than your actual mother.
The objective level of interpretation has more to do with your vital connection with that person. Your dream may be pointing to a particular quality and aspect of your relationship with them. Your mother may show up in your dreams to address something in your connection with her that needs attention.
Likewise, if you dream that your mate is having sex with someone else, is it likely that they’re really doing that in waking life? Or is it more likely that your insecurity about the relationship is being highlighted. These are critical distinctions to make.
Your dreams can let you know how you’re really doing with your new promotion, your midlife crisis or your current relationship. Your dreams offer pure measure of where you are, but also clear solutions or responses that can move you to where you want to be.
It’s important to realize that regardless of their content, dreams are always your friend. Meaning, they are always agents of healing that guide you towards wholeness and a deeper understanding of yourself.
So when sex comes into the picture, it could be because you’re horny and you haven’t had any in awhile or because you are attracted to the person you’re dreaming about (if you actually are), but more than likely it means the masculine and feminine aspects of your psyche are coming together in an effort to bring your mind and sense-of-self more into balance as an integrated whole.
Okay, that’s a mouthful… so what does it mean?
Famed Psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, describes the feminine side of a man’s psyche as his anima, and the masculine side of a woman’s psyche as her animus.
So, if you are a man, and you dream of a woman figure in your dream, it is often your anima showing up to fulfill a particular role. Many times, she could show up as a helper or someone who shows nurturing or compassion in the landscape of your dreams. Your anima, may also show up as the symbol of your intuition.
Coincidentally, your mother showing up in a dream is often representative of your older, wiser, feminine intuitive self. This holds implications of its own.
But, your anima —also a symbol of your own divine feminine — is often a serial character in your dreams who will continue to appear with a vested interest to eventually merge entirely with your own masculine nature so that you can mature into a balanced, integrated human being. Often this full “coming together” can occur through the sexual act in your dreams.
This merging ultimately benefits all of your relationships, because a balanced, integrated human being tends to be a wiser one.
So, let’s consider for a moment, that you are a man and dream of sex with your mother. Lets say you fully join with her in the dream and even wake up aroused. Though you may feel confused and a bit put off by this, its actually a rather powerful dream in which you have matured to a place of integrating your more sensitive, intuitive wise self with your masculine nature.
This can be a very similar meaning if you are sexually engaged with a woman your own age in your dream. When the dream figure is a woman you don’t know in waking life, it is likely your anima that you are merging with.
If it is a woman that you do know in waking life, that you wouldn’t normally be considering having sex with, she represents the key qualities that you are aware of about her. If she is someone who easily communicates and expresses her emotions fluidly, you may be integrating that quality into yourself.
This is a very good thing indeed, for a man. It gives him a fuller deck with which to respond to life with.
When it comes to a woman meeting her animus in a dream, it is the same. If you are a woman, sex with your father, granted that there hasn’t been any incestuous abuse, represents your older, wiser, masculine self — your masculine power, so-to-speak. Sex with a male your age that you don’t know, is likely your animus attempting to integrate with you, and a male you do know in waking life could represent the particular qualities of that man that you wish to integrate (or need to integrate) in order to gain further balance.
The animus is the aspect of a woman that empowers her to get up and go. It’s the “get shit done” aspect that she needs in order to move through the world with determination, inner-muscle and success, particularly in business ventures, disciplining the children, and speaking up for herself.
Keep in mind that all this “merging” is happening within the mental, emotional and psychic bodies of the dreamer. It’s like having therapy while you sleep. A well aware dream-worker will be doing the work of integration at night and wake up feeling the visceral affects of it in the morning. The whole vibe of a person can actually shift into a place of increased balance and power through a merging of his or her inner-sexes.
This harmonizing of the inner-sexes is likely occurring in dreams even if you are not engaged in sexual acts. If the opposite sex is there (in any way), it can be your masculine or feminine qualities showing up to support you or integrate with you.
More often than not, there will be the feeling that the dream character is your counterpart — male counterpart for a woman dreamer, and for a man the woman showing up in his dreams will often feel to be his female counterpart.
What about masturbation or oral sex?
Good question — so glad you asked.
Masturbation is perhaps the most obvious. To masturbate in your dreams is all about self pleasure. It can relate to the desire for sexual pleasure, but also any other kind of pleasure or self-gratification. Pay close attention to how you behave and feel in the dream.
Are you able to really let loose and really enjoy yourself? Or do you feel ashamed, inhibited or controlled? Are you alone or is someone else watching? Is the ‘someone else watching’ an unknown figure, so perhaps a part of yourself? Or is it your sexual partner?
Every little tweak of a dream scenario can influence it’s meaning.
Masturbation, in my own dream experience, has been a strong indicator of self-acceptance, love, and worthiness to experience pleasure in life. And it has also been a dream indicator of stagnation due to habitual self-gratification, whether it’s watching too much Netflix or overeating or some other over-indulgence, that keeps me from what I really need to be doing in order to grow or succeed at something.
Oral sex also tends to be related to pleasure, but more having to do with the ability or desire to express (orally) what pleasures you. Whether or not you are the giver or receiver also has indicators about dominance or subservience in providing pleasure.
Different feelings in the dream, according to your role can also reveal how you really feel about giving and receiving pleasure or how you are with expressing your creativity (sexual energy is creative energy).
Again, it may relate to sex or something else, especially something that is a particularly seductive desire or pleasure, such as certain foods, a seductive lifestyle and so forth. It may be a healthy or an unhealthy seduction / pleasure at play in your life, depending on what surrounding details and feelings are present in the dream.
If you are someone who really has a hard time asking for what you want or allowing yourself to receive in life and your dream self really relaxes into being the recipient of oral sex, then it’s likely a rich indicator of your desire to be on the receiving end more often or to be able to communicate what you really want, sexually or otherwise. The dream can also mean that you are now ready and willing to communicate these things.
Wisdom from a dreaming society
To add an even more interesting turn to the interpretation of sexual activity in dreams, we can view the beliefs of the Senoi tribe of the Malaya Peninsula in the equatorial rain forest. The Senoi are themselves, a dreaming society.
Their whole psychology as a people is structured around dreaming practices and insights. And they are worth paying attention to!
The Senoi are rare indeed, for they lack any trace of the conflict and violence that plagues communities of the industrialized nations. As a people, they are also largely free of chronic mental and physical ailments, as Kilton Stewart reports on his time spent among the Senoi tribe, in Dream Theory in Malaya.
In Senoi society, Lovers in dreams — even if it is someone that one would not normally have sexual relations with, such as a sister or brother — are defined as facets of the dreamer’s own spiritual or psychic makeup, and are meant to be reclaimed and reintegrated into the self of the dreamer through the “free expression of love in the dreaming universe.”
For the Senoi, dreams of sexual love are looked highly upon. A rich love life in your dreams, would be an indicator of the dreamer’s favor with the spiritual and emotional beings of life. Their dream-facilitated way of life is all about keeping a harmonious balance within the self and the tribal community.
These reflections on the Senoi bring us full circle, back to where we began in our exploration of sex dreams — with the emphasis on dreams as healing agents. Remember that your dreams are always here to guide you towards wholeness and a deeper understanding of who you are.
This begins to make sense in a bigger way when you try it out for yourself. Experiment next time you meet the opposite sex in your dreams. Journal the dream in the morning and examine the symbolism described in this article. Ask yourself what he or she really represents in your life. Ask yourself, what is seeking to be recognized and integrated on a deeper level?
And then be open and willing to receive the answers.
Nicole Rose has been working with her dreams for more than 30 years, in both private and group settings. Her training and background includes mentorships in shamanic dreaming practices as well as the rich psychospiritual traditions of Jungian dreaming philosophy. You can learn more about her work here.
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