Drawing with Christopher Robin — Episode 2

Putting some ink and blood on paper

Lots on my mind today and I’m tired of trying to fit it into one coherent article. Instead, today you get the pleasure of a stream of consciousness. Aren’t you excited? Let’s begin!

I’m drawing as I write this, so I’ll show you my progress as we go. I started by making some lines and stuff. Here’s where it begins:

I’m going dark for the weekend. The annual trip with the guys is a way to hide in the woods for 4 days with nothing at all to do, and we’ll finally get to catch up. All four of us with divergent lives, but we grew up together, so things fall back into place when we meet once a year in the wilderness of Tennessee. This year will be different with me not drinking. The others will be, and this makes me a bit anxious, but I’m on my own journey, not theirs. If it goes sideways, I’ll disappear with a notebook and write about my problems. Speaking of…

Should you write about your problems?

Yesterday, my friend KiKi Walter penned an introspection of a writer suffering from ongoing mental health issues and the inevitable complications of life. She wonders if we should write about these things or keep them to ourselves.

As writers, we’ve all encountered this same problem. It’s interesting that here on Medium we are able to receive a great deal of support from our fellow writers, and I imagine if it’s because they’re dealing with it, too.

I, for one, am of the opinion that it’s better out than in. But if we’re concerned about our stats or opinions, is that a concern? It’s not for me because I don’t make enough money here to give a flying fornication. But to others, I can see it being enough to be concerned about.

That leads me to thought no. 2: Spotlight theory.

The spotlight effect is a term used by social psychologists to refer to the tendency we have to overestimate how much other people notice about us. In other words, we tend to think there is a spotlight on us at all times, highlighting all of our mistakes or flaws, for all the world to see. — verywellmind

The reality is nobody is paying nearly as much attention to you as you think they are.

We’re caught up in our own little worlds thinking we’re the leading role in everyone’s movie, when in reality we are likely just an extra. Or a supporting cast member. We worry about the clothes we wear, how we look, how we act, etc., but there’s a very good chance people don’t notice that stuff.

People gravitate towards unconditional love wherever they can get it. It’s what draws them to religion because they think God will love them no matter what.

And really, if that’s what they feel, awesome. I don’t feel that way. I need more than that. I need someone to tell me, “I love you” and actually mean it. What does that mean? I’m a romantic but I’m not codependent, I just like love.

I like the kind of love that stands the test of time. The kind that doesn’t rely on anyone acting a certain way or being a certain thing. Detached love, if you will.

In sobriety I’ve found love in ways I’d not known before. Through writing and living a better life I’ve found all different kinds of love. And that’s the thing about love — it’s never what you think it will look like. Sometimes it comes from within.

Just like how life throws things at you in ways you hadn’t even considered, so does love. Love isn’t black and white. It’s not always the same, in fact it’s always different. I’ve found love in friendships with people and found peace in their presence that I didn’t know existed. I didn’t know I could love people whom I’ll never know in real life.

In 2000s Magnolia, William H. Macy plays a character who’s completely lost. He’s convinced that he needs braces for people to love him. And he sits at a bar one night and gets drunk and cries and says, “I have so much love to give.”

Like Donnie, I have so much love to give. More than any one person can handle. More than I can dole out in a lifetime. To the point where I give it to people and hope it grows within them.

Love is an energy. A life force. A seed. A potential. If I give you a seed, can you plant it within you and see that you are worthy of it? The love will grow within you. It will sprout and grow on its own and be fed by the beauty and love that lies hidden within you. It will bloom in the most magnificent array of colors you’ve never imagined.

Unlike this drawing, which is very black and white.

Episode 1 can be read here: