Dr. Seuss and Marcel Proust and Me

What we share in common

I have lost count of the publishers and book editors who rejected my manuscript. Some of them said no but sent high compliments. Several editors declared — we don’t print this kind of manuscript. That meant either a book about cancer, a non-linear memoir, or a book that mucked around in darker realms of implicit memories. A few times, the manuscript reached the point of being considered, but in the end, the publishing committee went in another direction.

I have had a very gracious agent — I’ll call her Q. She did not seem daunted by the polite and sometimes dismissive rejections.

I had thinner skin.

Initially, each rejection provided evidence that my manuscript was not good enough for big publishing houses or any publication. Surprisingly, I was also unsettled by the compliments as if they were not to be trusted, but didn’t share these misgivings with Q.

Instead, I researched — for solace — other writers who faced multiple rejections before having their books published. Here is a partial list of writers: Agatha Christie, James Baldwin, Jack Kerouac, Alex Haley, Beatrix Potter, and, of course, Dr. Seuss and Marcel Proust.

Q seemed rejection-proof. She kept creating new lists of publishers and editors to approach. Q believed in the manuscript and championed it with editors she had worked with for decades.

We also received valuable feedback from publishers and editors about what was unclear or confusing in the manuscript. One of Q’s most respected editors said that one whole sub-theme in the book — relating to my father — was not working. Not understanding what she meant, I elaborated on that sub-theme during several rewrites, hoping I had addressed her issues. When considering the book a second time, she offered the same observation.

It took me another year to figure out what she meant. I had presented two narratives together without convincingly connecting them for the reader.

Now I see what she meant and agree with her.

I was trying to thread the story of an early trauma into my cancer story without being able to recall any details about the trauma. I had dissociated from the experience as a kid. Imagine a circle around an invisible fire. I could describe the heat, the sound of the flames crackling, and the dense, sweet smell of cherry wood logs burning. What I could not see — and describe — were the yellow, orange, red and blue colors or the menacing dance of the flames.

After each new round of rejections, I tried to improve the manuscript guided by Q with the help of two editor friends. Another friend who had edited several essays and articles for publication in the past also offered suggestions.

My harshest editor — next to my ego — was my partner, who pointed out my random use of commas as paragraph decorations. She made other astute comments about the manuscript, and when I was vague about emotionally loaded topics, she called me out about that.

I have also had to acknowledge some ambivalence I had during this process. I was worried about how the publication of the manuscript would impact my Mom — she was close to 89 then. The trauma narrative would likely cause her grief.

Now that the manuscript has returned, I have another opportunity to consider how I want to move forward.

Q finally exhausted all the various publications and possibilities she had continued concocting. She offered to help me on my path forward with a list of small presses to approach. I am eternally grateful to Q for all the time and effort she invested in getting the manuscript out there. We have also developed a friendship.

I don’t feel like this will end up as a sad story of defeat. For one thing, I am trying to view the manuscript’s challenges in the context of the era. Covid has impacted the publishing industry in recent years, and — at the same time — new ways to publish writing continue to evolve.

The publishing industry’s focus has also shifted over the past few years, featuring more writers of color and writers from numerous cultures whose voices have not had access to the vast reading audiences they deserve.

Publishers, editors, and audiences are increasingly interested in being introduced to the voices of emerging writers and creative artists.

All of this is not to say that I am giving up on the manuscript. What I have learned in this whole experience is to keep rolling. and writing, and either deconstructing and re-constructing writing projects or setting them aside until I can see them again with new eyes and perspective.

I hope other writers who read this don’t lose heart. The thing that matters most is the writing and being open to where it takes us.