SOCIETY, DOWRY, CULTURE

Dowry, The Rampant Cancer Which Continues To Kill In Civilized India.

Greed always destroys.

On February 25th 2021, the simple dreams of 23-year-old Ayesha Bano Makrani tragically dissolved into the murky waters of the Sabarmati river in Gujarat, India. She ending her life believing it was the only way she would be free from her misery.

Ayesha, an employee of ICICI Bank married Aarif Khan, a mining supervisor, in 2018. After the marriage, she was continuously harassed and physically assaulted by her husband and in-laws over dowry. Ayesha’s father paid Rs 1.5 Lakhs ($2200 )in dowry but her in-laws kept demanding more.

Her husband sent her back to her parent’s house each time his demands weren’t met. Her father filed a police case against her husband which caused further strife. The never ending stress of the situation finally broke her.

Ayesha had a 72-minute conversation with Aarif before taking the extreme step. It was her final try to make things right with him. Her husband’s response to her thoughts of ending her life were-“You should die & you should send me the video.”

Ayesha, recorded a heartbreaking 2 minute video on her phone moments before her death which she sent to her husband and father. Her tone is surprisingly cheerful, yet the heavy pain weighing her down is evident as she speaks about unrequited love.

Her final haunting words-

Aarif needs freedom, I set him free today. I am pleased to meet Allah soon. I will ask him where did I make a mistake? This lovely river… I pray that it takes me in it.

Sadly Ayesha’s story is just one of thousands of gruesome crimes against women for dowry.

The Dowry System

Demanding, giving and taking dowry was banned in India in 1961 through the Dowry Prohibition Act of 1961. However the mindset of society hasn’t changed a bit. The moment a baby girl is born, her parents are expected to stock up gold and cash to make up her dowry when she is grown up.

Dowry system has been a leading cause of female infanticide in India, especially in poor families where baby girls are viewed as an impossible economic burden to take on.

A poster in Bombay reads-

It’s better to spend Rs 500 in an abortion today than Rs 50,000 in dowry years later.

Dowry is a social evil which has long been normalized and justified for decades with the following beliefs-

1. It is a gift to their daughter.

Parents believe that this gift to their daughter will ensure her financial security. Dowry is given in the form of gold, cars, furniture, land, houses and cash. It is not uncommon to see brides looking like gold mines on their wedding day.

2. Their daughter will be treated properly

Parents feel that higher the dowry, the better their daughter will be respected by the groom’s family as she didn’t come empty handed. But as history shows this is not the case.

3. It’s a status symbol

The groom’s family gets publicity when their son nets a large amount of dowry. The bride’s family boasts about the amount of gold and cash they are giving in dowry. Lavish weddings and hefty dowries are a means to flaunt one’s wealth and status in society.

4. It’s a part of cultural norms that must be followed

Even poor parents who cannot afford dowry, don’t want their daughters to face taunting from their in-laws. Dowry is a trend parents feel pressured to follow. They spend their lifetimes toiling and earning for their child’s wedding.

Ending Dowry Is Our Responsibility

When marriage turns into a business deal, the foundation of that union becomes very unstable. Toss in some villainous in-laws, a spineless, shameless husband, gallons of greed and you have the perfect recipe for disaster.

The greed and cruelty not only causes undue stress on the nascent relationship, it kills innocent young women mercilessly.

According to the National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB), the 2019 data reported that dowry death cases in India amounted to more than 7100. Additionally, women becomes a victim of cruelty by her husband or in-laws every four minutes.

Changing the mindset of people.

Patriarchal societies enable oppressive beliefs to carry on for generations. It’s high time we stopped and challenged these social evils which turn marriage into a business transaction.

How is marriage equal when the bride is expected to leave the only family she has known her whole life, bring in a big dowry and then consider her in- laws as her new family?

In reality, both the bride and groom leave their families and begin a new family. They are both responsible for sustaining this new family unit and not their parents.

As for sons, we must teach them to have self respect and not expect anything from others. Before they get married, they should be able to stand on their 2 own feet. Their future should not be dependent on what they get from their wife’s family. No one owes them anything, not their wife, not or their father in law.

As for our daughters, we must empower them. Why should dowry buy respect for our daughter? They are worth more than being just a jewelry hanger. They should be accepted into a new family for who they are and not for what monetary value they bring in.

Instead of spending on your daughter’s dowry, give them the gift of a solid education. Teach them to be financially independent. Support their decisions. Build their confidence. Let them soar. They do not need to be married to be considered complete.

Parent, don’t base your every decision on what society will think. Even though dowry is banned, parents succumb to the pressures, fearing what society will say.

Guess what? Society will always have something ugly to say but remember society will never pay your bills or take care of your kids. Society will not weep with you or bury your dead daughter. Only you will have to.

Dowry is enabled day after day thanks to monster mother in laws. It is saddening that women are the worst enemies of women. They want their daughters to be treated well but mistreat their daughter in laws. They have blood on their hands.

Teach your daughters that they do not have to put up with anyone who crosses their boundaries even if they are family. Abuse is abuse. They shouldn’t have to adjust or settle in the face of abuse.

It’s regressive to think that a new bride’s top skills should be adjustment, agreeableness and submission and not smarts or good character.

Enough is enough. We must stop silently following heinous traditions and hold our ground against this social evil. Do not give or take dowry.

A divorced daughter is better than a dead daughter.

An unmarried daughter is better than a dead daughter.

RIP Ayesha, Rashika, Salsha and the thousand other young girls who entered into matrimony with hopes and simple dreams only to have it crushed ruthlessly. Justice shall be yours.