Don’t You Deserve Unconditional Love Too?

Three keys to self-acceptance and personal achievement

The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. ~~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Self-love develops internally

Your love of self cannot grow from the bolstering comments of others, regardless of who they are. That includes your significant other and, especially, your mother.

You must do the work yourself. Some advocate for exercises like repeating daily affirmations. Filling your head with powerful, positive talk.

An important exercise is the banishment of negative self-talk. Feeling shame and disappointment in personal failures is natural, but this should not consume you. Experiencing a personal letdown should be accompanied by a plan to overcome the setback. No moaning and gnashing of teeth.

During my time in the public education field, I heard a lot about self-esteem and how teachers can help impact that in their students. My former school division invited a special speaker for a professional development day. The main takeaway from his talk was that red ink hurts feelings and we should use different color pens to grade student work. Just think about that a moment.

Eventually, I ended up teaching in a community college and witnessed firsthand the ultimate results of the absurd K-12 self-esteem industry. Students turned in marginal work, they rarely took notes in class, and didn’t understand how to take a professor’s feedback and translate it into better work next time around. This lack of academic maturity stifled students and confirmed their internal belief that they were not college material.

I was frustrated enough that occasionally I remarked on self-esteem to a class. “If you want high self-esteem, achieve something. You’ll feel good about yourself when you have accomplishments on the table.”

I still believe that. Controversial, I know. My three adult children can attest to the fact that I didn’t award participation trophies at home either.

We can always redeem the man who aspires and strives. ~~Goethe

Set goals so you have something to aim for (and be proud of)

I told that story about college students to emphasize the need for rational expectations for yourself. You may love yourself for being “great at chilling” with your BFF, the TV remote, but won’t you be disappointed in yourself later when you failed to accomplish something that should have been done?

Of course, life balance is important— you can watch Netflix. It’s okay. Really. Perhaps you can reward yourself with television time after you’ve knocked out a couple of your daily goals.

Goals are the essence of success.

I didn’t know who David Starr Jordan was until I found a quote attributed to him. Jordan was the founding president of Stanford University, as well as a biologist and fish expert. I’m certain he and I would not see eye to eye on a few things today. However, he did say, quite wisely I think, “the world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going.”

Aiming for something assures you will be pointing in the right direction, at the very least. You’ve probably heard the clichés along these lines too.

Let me share something about my recent retirement. I asked my mostly retired wine group friends for advice on entering retirement. They told me to let go, don’t worry about things, and even, sometimes a dentist appointment is all you do one day.

Um, no. I am retiring to a writing life. My house has long-ignored projects needing my attention. I’m literally still using a physical planner, like I did at work. I have things to accomplish.

I don’t feel a slave to my goals and my planner. I actually feel free because I document what I need to do and when I finish it. And when I decide to watch Netflix at two o’clock in the afternoon, there is absolutely no guilt!

You always pass failure on the way to success. ~~Mickey Rooney

Show yourself grace when you fall short

You’ll experience times when you can’t meet a goal. You’ll make a bad decision. You may give in to a negative feeling that impacts your progress.

I’ve been away from work a whole three weeks! My first week’s goal was to write five articles on Medium. I posted three, instead. In week two, I realized that two or three weekly articles is my limit, so I cut myself some slack.

I also wanted to add at least a thousand words to my novel. That has not happened. I’ve made a few excuses and, to be honest, I wasn’t feeling it due to some other life and family issues. I did commit myself to November’s NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I’m certain I can make the event’s preset 50,000 word goal. It has accountability built in. So cool.

Know this: your goals aren’t going anywhere. If they are worthy goals, they will still be waiting for you tomorrow.

Lighten up. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.

You let other people in your life off the hook sometimes. Why don’t you deserve that same kind of grace?

If I am not for myself, who will be? ~~Pirke Avot