Don’t Worry, Chief, These Are Definitely Drug-Sniffing Bees And Not Just Regular Bees

This swarm of 500,000 bees we released at the airport will detect narcotics any minute now!

Here’s the situation, Chief. Officer Jenkins and I got a tip that a drug mule was smuggling two marijuana-infused gummy bears on a flight from Walla Walla. Well, Jenkins had seen some reportage on 60 Minutes, or maybe it was 20/20, about how trained bees can detect narcotics. So when the flight landed, Jenkins and I released 500,000 bees to catch this kingpin red-handed. We’re pretty sure we ordered the right kind of drug-sniffing bees from a site on the dark web that Jenkins’ uncle recommended. Our bees should start detecting narcotics as soon as they’re done stinging people’s faces and swarming the meat primo pizza at the S’barro by gate A4.

Chief, our suspected hashhead looked pretty scared when he saw those bees. Very suspicious behavior. Everyone else panicked too. This airport is full of stoners, Chief.

Stay calm, law-abiding citizens! We need to identify the drug users among you! Everyone else, protect yourselves from our public safety operation. That’s it, sir! Stick your bottom in the air like Winnie the Pooh to direct the bees’ attention away from your face! Or you could try wearing a beard of bees like that clever guy over by the metal detector. Oh wait, the bees are swarming that guy’s entire head. They’re getting under his eyelids and really going to town on his eyes. Sir, dunk your head in the decorative fountain in the East Concourse! Take the moving walkway and then ride the shuttle west for three stops. That’s right, west. Yes, I guess it is counterintuitive to ride the shuttle west to get to the East Concourse. But sir, no running in the terminal!

People, I know getting hundreds of bee stings while you’re waiting for your flight to Tuscon is inconvenient, but we need to protect you from the threat of recreational drug use. You’ll thank us when we arrest the crazed drug fiends in your midst! Imagine the damage those potheads could do if we left them alone! Think of yourselves as noble causalities of the War on Drugs!

Wait, the bees are swarming the backpack of that man wearing the t-shirt reading “I Was a Boozehound at the Doghouse Saloon! Bottineau, North Dakota.” Looks like a genuine addict, Chief! We’ve caught someone in our sting operation. Oh, sting operation! Get it, Chief?! Turn over your bag, sir! Oh, I see. You’ve brought home several jars of artisanal honey from North Dakota, which I now recall is our nation’s top honey-producing state. Well, the bees are now carrying your specialty honey to the massive hive they’re constructing in the airport’s glass atrium. At least you have that humorous t-shirt as an alternate souvenir.

Chief, this woman swatting bees off her baby with her purse screamed that she saw that same special report and it was on Good Morning America. She said you should put one trained bee in a device that lights up when the bee detects the scent of drugs. We appreciate your feedback, ma’am, but we don’t have funding for fancy devices since we spent all of our department’s money buying 500,000 bees. And calm down, ma’am, we have this situation totally under contr… What are you screaming about now, ma’am? I can’t understand you. Oh, there are bees in your mouth? And every time you open your mouth to scream about the bees, more bees fly in? They must have mistaken your uvula for a honeycomb. I’m sorry for your predicament, but that’s what you get for bringing a child to an airport that’s a hive of drug trafficking. Oh, hive! Get it, Chief?!

Hold up, this news alert on my phone says that our state legislature just approved marijuana for recreational use. They’ve really undercut our fine law-enforcement operation here. But our rigorous investigation has revealed a massive crime wave in this airport. People are looting copies of James Patterson’s latest hardcover from Hudson Booksellers to shield themselves from the swarm. And that middle-aged couple is using steam from Chili’s Mushroom Jack Chicken Fajitas to smoke out the bees. Looks like some potential arsonists, sir. We ought to set up round-the-clock patrols to monitor this airport for criminal elements. Also, while I was Googling how to get bees to converge on junkies and stop plugging up the escalators with beeswax, I found an article about some researchers from Holland using drug-sniffing rats. Come on, Jenkins, let’s order 10,000 rats and set them loose on the hacky-sack circle at the community college!

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