Don’t Waste Your Time on the Idea Of Someone

I truly believe one of the biggest mistakes we can make during dating and developing new connections is becoming invested in our idea of someone rather than the reality of who they are. Why? Because it sets us up for a plethora of misery down the line.

And hear me out, I use to be that person. Heck, on some level, I still am that person. It’s an ongoing challenge to not get caught up in a fantasy when I meet someone new who I like. But I can tell you firsthand that investing too much time in your imagination is a surefire way to get yourself hurt as well as prolong the pain of losing someone.

How It Starts

The process of conjuring up a fantasy can begin as soon as a first date or swiping someone on a dating app. You swipe right, get the match and check them out and are immediately hooked on the person they present themselves to be. They have a great job, they go traveling, they have a photo with their niece and nephew. A family-oriented guy with good friends and a desire to see the world? Could it get any better?

Well, calm down, you don’t know yet.

We may go on a couple of dates with someone, have a wonderful time, only to go home and fantasize about how great and wonderful the date was. You might even think about the next date and how great that could be. Now, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy. It makes us feel good, right? That’s why we do it.

The issue is when this fantasy starts to override our reality.

Where Fantasy Becomes Maladaptive

Our brains are truly spectacular creations, but that doesn’t mean they still can’t trip us up. They certainly can. Our brain doesn’t know the difference between what is reality and what is imagination. The thoughts we have and the fantasies we invest in have a direct impact on our physiological state in the here and now. As an example simply think of a stressful experience and watch your body go into a mild fight/flight response as cortisol is released into the bloodstream. That stressful experience has its roots in your imagination and yet your body is reacting as if it were happening in reality.

Things go awry when we invest too much energy in fantasy during the dating process as we subconsciously create a bond between ourselves and the person we’re interested in. The more we fantasise, the stronger the bond we create. The issue in all this lies in the fact that creating these sorts of bonds so early on in the dating process is disastrous as we have yet to even get to know this person. In the event of them beginning to show signs of disinterest, or beginning to show red flags, conflict starts to form between who they truly are and what our fantasy of them is.

On one hand, they may be showing us signs they aren’t a good person (or not a good person for us) but on the other hand, our brains have been conditioned to see this person as someone who is a source of pleasure for us. They may be actively stepping away whilst we cling to the idea of what we thought we had. We remember the great first date or how good the sex was, all the while ignoring the actual reality of what the relationship is giving us.

Where Fantasy Overrides Reality

It can be easy to fall into a trap of remembering how someone use to be. How great they were at the start, how good they made you feel, and how exciting everything was. The rush of neurotransmitters that come with attraction is an explosive supernova that is hard to forget, after all.

So much so that we can find ourselves pining after how things use to be. “If only I could just get him to see how great we could be together” we might tell ourselves in the vain hope we might see a glimmer of the spark we saw at the start. Despite the current predicament all we have to do is turn to our imagination to feel good again. This is what makes fantasy so addictive. Just as we feel anxious when we imagine a stressful situation, so too can we feel good when we imagine a pleasurable one. It doesn’t matter what the reality of your situation is, as long as you play into the fantasy you can still experience your idealised version of someone despite how they might be showing up in real life.

If we were actually attuned to our reality we would see that the person we’re chasing after doesn’t deserve our attention. Their disinterest or mistreatment should turn us away, not turn us on, but so long as we’re investing time and energy in our idea of how good things were, it becomes increasingly difficult to see the truth.

Breaking Free

To break free from our fantasy idea of someone we must stay grounded in our reality. How are they treating your right now? Are they mistreating you? Showing disinterest or not speaking to you at all? All of this is valuable information we need to be reminding ourselves of. Our brains are brilliant in that they remember the things that brought us pleasure so that we can seek them out again. In the case of dating and other people, we have little control over what we can or can’t have, despite how much we feel like we need it.

One practice I like to turn to when I find myself getting caught up in my idea of someone is one I was introduced to listening to Amy Young. Each time you find yourself getting caught up in fantasy, grab a pen (if you can) and begin writing down and completing the following sentence;

me + __ = __

As long as we are grounded in our reality we’ll find that our equation will end with words such as “chaos”, “dysfunctional”, “sadness”, “pain”, “hopelessness” and so forth. A stark contrast to what our brains may tell us. It’ll tell us that they are a source of something good. Of pleasure, of excitement, of happiness. In reality, however, that couldn’t be further from the truth.

You have to see your reality for what it is. Sure, at the start someone may present themselves as the perfect person but if they begin showing us otherwise, we have to take notice. Remaining caught up with who we wish someone could be, prolongs our attachment to them. It’s difficult to move on when we allow our brains to ruminate and fantasise over how good things were or how good things could be.

This is a difficult process, I know, but it takes a willingness on our part to move on. Keep a note on your phone with all the reasons you shouldn’t still be interested in someone. Write an hourly list with the equation above or whenever suits you. Remind yourself of how you feel right here, today, in the midst of this relationship. Not how things use to be, not how they could be, but how they are.

You deserve to see reality for what it is. If someone is choosing to show up in your life a certain way, they deserve to be responded to in the appropriate way. Remember that.

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