Summary

The article advocates for personal growth by reconnecting with one's authentic self rather than trying to create a "new you" through resolutions.

Abstract

The author, a life coach with 15 years of experience, suggests that true transformation comes from uncovering the genuine aspects of oneself that may be obscured by societal expectations. Instead of focusing on external changes like becoming thinner, stronger, richer, or wiser, the article encourages readers to access their inner qualities and values. It emphasizes the importance of understanding who one is at their core before setting goals and making action plans. The author argues that actions driven by authentic motivation are more sustainable and enjoyable than those driven by a sense of obligation or "shoulds." The article also provides practical advice on rediscovering one's core self by reflecting on childhood interests and identifying values through the admiration of others. The overarching message is to embrace and express one's true identity, leading to a more fulfilling and aligned life.

Opinions

Transformation is more effectively achieved by stripping away external layers rather than acquiring new skills or traits.
Life coaching should focus on the "Being" aspect before jumping into the "Doing" to ensure alignment with one's true self.
Relying on willpower alone for personal change is exhausting and unsustainable.
Understanding and embracing one's core values and beliefs leads to more natural and lasting change.
Reflecting on childhood passions and the qualities admired in others can provide insight into one's authentic self.
Personal goals should be an organic outgrowth of one's true identity rather than a list of societal "shoulds."
Living authentically, such as being open about personal life choices, can lead to greater joy and fulfillment.
Self-care practices like healthy eating, exercise, and meditation should be reframed as gifts to oneself rather than restrictive measures.
The process of shedding unhelpful habits can be enjoyable and informative, even when imperfectly executed.
The author values loyalty, quality time with loved ones, and the courage to live non-conformist life choices openly.

Don’t Try To Create A Better New You This January

Reconnect with the neglected authentic you instead

It’s that time of year again — time to make resolutions and plans to improve yourself and your life. But what if you didn’t do that? What if you started off this new year and this new decade by not trying to become a better you? What if instead, you just tried to reconnect with all the best parts of who you already are?

What I’ve discovered over 15 years as a life coach and healer is that most transformation comes not through learning new skills or taking on bigger and better traits, but rather through stripping away things that are covering up the best, most real you that is already underneath. I was just saying this morning how important it is to keep learning and growing, so I’m not talking about giving that up entirely. I just don’t believe that trying to change yourself into someone else — someone who is thinner, or stronger, or richer, or wiser, is necessarily the best idea.

What if instead, you spent time accessing those places that are already within? Life coaching is all about looking to the future, getting clear about what you want, and then making action plans to work that goal. The problem arises when you jump right to the Doing part of that, and neglect to connect to the Being part first. That’s what I’m going to be doing over the next few days — thinking more intentionally about how to Be all the best parts of who I already am.

It’s only after you have more clarity about who you are and how you want to express that in the world that the goals and action plans can come about organically. Otherwise, it’s very easy to just fall into a place of shoulds.

“I should save more money in 2020.”

“I should eat more fruits and vegetables.”

“I should fight less with my partner.”

Doing things by sheer force of willpower is possible, but it’s also exhausting because it takes so much focus and energy. In fact, doing them by willpower alone probably means that other things are going to fall by the wayside because you just don’t have the bandwidth to keep it all going at that level.

On the other hand, doing things that you have authentic motivation around is a whole lot easier to stick with. If you can find who you really are at your core, and connect in to how that get’s expressed outwardly, that’s a much better recipe for success. It’s also a lot more fun than making yourself a list of shoulds.

“How do I know who I am really am?” you might be asking. Although that is a question that reasonably only gets completely answered over the course of a lifetime, there are a couple of ways to find out a lot about this right now. The first one is to think about who you were as a young child. What did you like to do? How did you spend your free time? What made you really happy?

Of course, there are aspects of who we were as children that we outgrow, but babies come into the world pure and unadulterated by external expectations and socialization. Remembering who you were before so much of that got obscured by the outside world is a really good first step.

Were you naturally boisterous and enthusiastic until someone told you that you needed to get control of yourself and stop running in the house? Did you love to create a whole world with your dolls or action figures until somebody told you that it was just your imagination? What brought you the most joy and fun as a young child? There are a lot of clues that can be gleaned from reconnecting with that purer, more authentic self that you once were particularly in remembering what used to light you up.

The other way to get more clear is to inventory your values and belief — and one of the simplest ways to do that is to look at the people you admire and ask yourself what it is about them that impresses you. If you look up to someone who is really generous or friendly, it’s probably because that’s an aspect of yourself as well. It might be one that could be dusted off a bit, but the seed of it is usually already there.

If you really want to get serious with this, select 3–5 people that you admire and make a list of about 6 or 8 things that you like about each one. Then compare the lists, and notice where the overlaps are. Those are real nuggets of information about who you are deep down inside. Even if you are not someone who is yet, for example, as confident as you’d like to be, that potential is already inside of you and it’s a part of your values system.

I’m someone for whom loyalty is really important, and I love to spend quality time with the people that I’m closest to. Big parties can be fun, but I’m just more naturally a homebody. I spend a lot of time sitting on my patio with my friends and family, just enjoying being outside and being together. I also admire people who are courageous enough to live their non-conformity openly.

One of the things that I’d like to do in this coming year is to be more open and authentic with people in my life about my polyamorous relationships. I don’t want to live in fear of being judged and talked about, and instead just want to keep embracing all the ways that these life choices really work for me and bring me joy.

But rather than to trying to make some kind of goal about letting one person a month know, or some kind of other external-focused plans, I want to just keep embracing what’s me. I want to deepen my roots into the soil so that if the wind blows a little, it won’t bother me nearly as much. I want my outside life to be a greater reflection of my inside reality, and to just keep seeking ways to express that, however that unfolds. It’s great to have specific action goals in mind, but sometimes just a strong intention to let something unfold can be just as powerful.

Rather than going on some kind of diet or food restriction plan, I want to just reconnect with the more nourishing kinds of eating that I was doing before the holidays. I don’t want to cut back on sugar or other kinds of indulgences because I should, or it would be good for me. I just want to hone in on being good to my body, because I want it to comfortably house me for a long time to come. I want to be able to hang out on the porch with those I love for many more decades, so less indulgent eating is one of the things that I’m doing for me to help facilitate that. Rather than a restriction, it becomes a gift to myself, in support of what I care about.

The same goes for exercise or getting enough sleep, or meditating regularly again. I don’t have any desire to make a program that will transform me into someone else — someone who does the things that she should because of some external voice prodding me on. I want to begin this new year and this new decade by continuing to reclaim who I really am and letting my actions reflect that.

Peeling away who I’m not, including habits that I’ve picked up that aren’t currently serving me, is not only going to be a lot more effective, it’s going to be a lot more enjoyable. Instead of dreading that, I’m actually looking forward to it. And if there are places where I do that imperfectly, that’s OK too. It’s just information about what some of the challenges are that will help me be more successful when I recommit to that process.

You don’t need a brand new you in 2020 and beyond. You just need to better inhabit the real you that is perhaps a bit neglected and to express that person more fully.

Cheers! 🥂