“Don’t Talk To Me Like That!”

It’s Not Just Yelling and Screaming. Hostility Can Look Quiet and ”Normal.”

Words are the ways we connect.

Words are also weapons.

Verbal abuse is like an oil spill. It gets in, spreads out and then goes under, where it begins to kill anything around it. It can last for decades.

The goal of verbal abuse is to maintain control and power over another person

What is verbal abuse?

When a boss is screaming at an employee and calling her a “stupid bitch,” it’s clear that he’s overstepping his bounds and being abusive. There are many situations when it’s very clear what’s going on. There may even be written policies about the consequences of that behavior.

But there are many situations that are hurtful and disruptive, and we’re not even aware that we’re being hurt.

Some of it depends on how much pain is inflicted, how often it happens (we all run our big mouths every now and then )— Chronic abusers don’t register the pain they inflict.

It’s not just about yelling and cursing. It’s about the delivery

• Volume and tone can confuse us. Something means can be said softly, but when it’s said quietly, and two people are alone together, the victim may not be clear what’s happened, but she feels wounded.
• Sarcasm. If you looked at a piece of paper that said, “And you’re sooo smart.” it could be very different from what said with a sneer. Positive words come out as insulting. “You are sooo smart,” could really mean, “I can’t believe what an idiot you are!”
• The silent treatment is a punishing behavior that can really frustrate and demean. It erases a person. As a psychologist, I have seen it used to freak out little kids, who are totally dependent. And the “winner “didn’t do a thing except convey the message — “If you don’t do what I want, you don’t exist for me.”
• The one-on-one conversation is extra hard on the victim because there is no one there to validate what was said. The abuser will take advantage of this by trying to undermine the truth.

1. Know the types of verbal control:

If you are going to influence someone’s trash talk, you need to know the many ways it can slam you or sneak up on you. Knowledge about the kind of behavior helps you anticipate the bullshit and use “protective forces” to make it stop.

• Manipulation — The person tries to turn you into a pretzel by misrepresenting the facts and even flattering you. They try to bring you over to their side so that you will think and act the way they want. They can fake being upset so you will feel guilty. They can quietly make you doubt yourself. They may use suggestions of what might happen (bad or good), if you don’t go their way — raising issues of whether the relationship can continue or not).
• Degradation and name-calling. In a whisper, a person can do as much damage as a scream when they try to pull you down and call you names. They can be names from the usual playbook based on classifications like race. gender, sexual orientation. They are used against classes of people. In close relationships, the name-calling can be wicked — since the partners know each other’s weak spots.

* Shame We all have areas in our present or past that make us feel embarrassed or ashamed. Abusers know the exact buttons to push where we are vulnerable and don’t want to have it advertised. It’s almost blackmail. It can shut you up fast. This is done over and over if it’s not stopped. Shame is a poison you take into yourself, It is no one else’s right to use it against when

The following ones are often trickier to pick out, but they happen a lot and can be really destructive. They are frequently used by narcissistic people who have little empathy.

• narcissistic The abuser pulls back and deprives you. They may withhold themselves, their affection, their help, their respect. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but they are using withdrawal as a control tool. They might withdraw information that’s needed or participation. They can turn on a dime. One minute he’s saying he’ll help you set up a new video console, he reacts to something you’ve said or done. And all of a sudden, an angry, “If you’re not gonna help me, I’m not gonna help you.”
• Condescending and mimicking — When you “talk down” to someone, you might as well call them stupid. When someone is condescending to you, you feel it, and it stings. Mimicking is a childish way of throwing hate at a victim. If it’s done in front of people is especially painful. It’s a real cruel one because it reduces everything to a joke at your expense.
• Gaslighting — Attempts to hijack a victim’s perceptions of what she saw, felt, or did are examples of gaslighting. They are frequent issues in troubled relationships in which the victim’s sense of reality is compromised by this constant assault on her. I can get bad enough that the victim becomes totally confused about who she is, It is never a gaslighter's fault for anything. They are masters at shifting blame.

2. Confront it

Once you have a sense of the range of mean, vicious ways of using language for control, you can act. The first step is to think to yourself.

This is unacceptable!

This is not easy. They are often very good at what they do. If you challenge them, they will return the favor — in multiples. But even though it is daunting to confront, the more you do it.

“Shut up is incendiary, even though it’s quick and direct.” Don’t use.

“Could you stop for a second?” Get a time-out.

Say exactly 1) what the person said 2) how it makes you feel and 3) what change you want. 4) what will happen if they don’t stop.

Remember that they’re not going to sit quietly. They will interrupt and argue. Stop them and quietly say,

“I’m talking right now. If you can’t listen, then I think we should stop now.”

“I know where this is going and you can stop now.” It bothers/bores, hurts/wastes my time/goes nowhere. No!

“Do you know how you sound right now?”

“You can yell as much as you want, I’m not agreeing with you.”

Keep your cool, knowing that you have a sturdy weapon. You can detach, leave the conversation or leave the relationship.

3. Stand Firm

People who bully with words can’t stand being confronted. They will try to scramble with other tricks in their bags to recapture their power. The will trivialize:

“Oh, I was only kidding.”

“Don’t be so hysterical.”

“What’s the big deal?”

“You’ve totally misunderstood what I said”

If you just can’t get a word in, write your thoughts down in an e-mail (more formal than text) or write it in a letter.

You have to trust your gut, even if you can’t say exactly what is wrong. You can stop or you can walk away.

There are places like employee /employer, parent /child, spouse/spouse where you can't just walk out.

In employer situations, you are in a balancing act between your self-respect and your job. Sometimes you can lightly address issues.

If there's no chance, open your personal laptop, and document everything (date, time setting, what happened, what words were used, how it ended and a sentence about how you feel, and also how the negative remarks influenced your work performance.

You can take it to Human Resources or hold on to it for just the right time, When you feel comfortable you may raise the issue with coworkers you trust. This is the same with things like having documents for custody battles.

4. Leave

No matter who we are and who they are, if they are using words against us (or others), we can stop it. We can give them a chance. You can give examples. If this is someone you really care about, you can keep trying. People can change. But without motivation — good luck.

My mother used to quote the old wisdom when of us was hurt.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

My mother was wrong. Research has indicated again and again that:

“Names will definitely hurt you. “

Some for a moment, some for life.

Even if you don’t consider yourself a “victim,” you are a “recipient” of words as weapons

Don’t accept the names. Don’t accept the shame. Don’t accept the blame.