Don’t Talk About Money, It’s Not Ladylike

Or how we still teach women that finances are a man’s domain

Every woman in the world knows how it feels to be financially controlled by a man.

If it’s not our fathers or partners, it’s our male-dominated financial world. It’s the gender pay gap. It’s the poor financial advice women are subjected to.

From a young age, I became very aware of what money meant as a woman. I quickly understood what options my mother would have had if she had her own money.

It made me very concerned with having money for myself. Not because I wanted a big house or fancy car but because I saw it as my ticket to freedom and autonomy. I figured out that if I had money, I could leave which is exactly what I did the minute I became an adult.

Because that’s what having your own money does. It lets you claim your life.

Which is why it’s upsetting that women still don’t feel comfortable talking about money with anyone, from their closest friends to their colleagues to their family.

But money equals power.

Money equals freedom.

Considering women don’t have much of either, it should be all we talk about.

“Don’t talk about money, it’s not ladylike”

It’s been said to me before. Perhaps it’s been said to you.

Women may have a (completely unfounded) reputation for talking, but when it comes to money, we don’t talk at all.

Four in five women feel uncomfortable talking about money with their nearest and dearest. In contrast, men are much more comfortable. The figure stands at 61%.

It’s no surprise if you look at the way society talks to women about money compared to men.

A recent linguistic analysis recently looked at 300+ financial articles to find out the differences between how we talk about money to men and women.

The study revealed that financial articles aimed at women focused on “splurging” and “reigning in spending.” These articles used negative words when talking about financial planning, like “minefield.” They suggested women seek financial advice or help from a husband or parents.

But when it came to men, the language changed completely. It became competitive and opportunistic, all whilst linking money with traditional masculinity. 70% of the articles analysed said money makes men more manly.

I don’t think any woman will be surprised at this. From a young age, we’re taught that money is a man’s domain. STEM education is still largely the realm of boys and research now suggests that the messaging girls receive about STEM education self-fulfills as they get older.

So we end up with a finance industry full of men talking about — and solving — male-centric money issues, all the while women are taught to keep schtum.

And this idea that we’re excessive splurgers? The truth is whilst women are the main household purchasers (thus technically spend more than men), it’s rarely on themselves.

It’s on food. Childcare. The household.

Teaching women to become thrifty means they’re becoming thrifty with their basic needs. Not to mention the needs of their kids.

This means — if they’re in a relationship — there’s more money for men to spend.

And it turns out that despite women bearing the brunt of the overspender stereotype, men are more likely to splurge and when they do, they spend 40% more (hat tip to Katie Jgln for bringing these stats to my attention).

I know more than one woman who feels they have to hide how much they spend from their partner (however much it is) for fear of being accused as reckless with their spending.

My mother was one.

Female customers in my wine store were others.

At least once a week a woman would worry about spending more than $10 on a bottle of wine because she still had to buy her kids’ clothes or do a grocery shop. Three hours later, her husband would come in looking for a $50 bottle, but not before bragging about his $300 lunch with his mates in the city.

None of this is right. But none of it is going to change if we don’t talk more. Money is a difficult subject, but if we keep quiet, we pass the power onto someone else…

If you don’t look after your money, someone else will

And if you’re in a relationship with a dude, that someone will likely be your partner.

58% of women hand over long-term financial decisions to their partners despite 40% of women being primary breadwinners.

You might be in a relationship where you don’t argue about cash but if you are, you’re incredibly fortunate. Money is the number one cause of arguments between couples and is one of the biggest reasons for divorce.

The chances are, you’re in a relationship where money is an issue, one that will never resolve in your favour if women across the board don’t take their rightful place at the financial table.

Even if your partner isn’t an issue, your money is still being looked after by a male-dominated financial world that is designed to look after men more than women.

Banks are less likely to give out business loans to women. And when they do, they do so at higher interest rates.

Men are taught to take more financial risks than women.

Globally, men own more bank accounts than women.

And men inherit more money in wills than women. I have first-hand experience with this. When my grandmother died, I received much less than my older brother. I know other women who’ve had similar experiences.

When it comes to money, the world is set up against women, which is why it’s so important we take control. Why we have to talk about finances.

Why we have to take the power back.

This is what happens when we don’t talk about money

We are controlled and abused. Financial abuse happens in 99% of domestic violence cases.

Our kids suffer.

You get the rise of the tradwife movement — women who take on a traditional role in the home and package it up as lifestyle aspiration on social media. Of course, finances in these relationships are controlled by the man.

There’s no freedom in that.

But this is what happens when we do talk about money.

We can leave abusive, damaging relationships.

We can care for our children the way they deserve to be cared for.

We can start our own businesses. Buy our own property. Build our own lines of credit.

We can build lives that work for us.

Having our own money starts with talking about money. Financially educating ourselves. Doing the job our parents should have done, but probably didn’t.

Doing the job society still expects men to do.

It’s only once we start talking that we gain what is rightfully ours. As finance writer Karina Parikh says:

Money is power — live-the-life-I-want power, get-your-hand-off-my-leg power, start-my-dream-business power. And we women have been on the outside looking in.

Talking about money opens the door. And I intend to go through it.

You should too.

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