“Don’t take it personally”

Summary

The article discusses the importance of discerning feedback and how the phrase "Don't take it personally" can be both misused and beneficial for personal growth.

Abstract

In a world with diverse opinions, the article emphasizes the challenges of processing external advice and criticism without compromising one's mental peace. It argues that while the phrase "Don't take it personally" can be a cop-out for both advice-givers and receivers, it is crucial to evaluate feedback based on its relevance to one's personal and professional development. The author shares a personal experience where initial resistance to a mentor's feedback led to significant self-improvement, illustrating the value of introspection and the selective application of advice for self-development and maintaining mental equilibrium.

Opinions

The author suggests that taking every opinion into account can be detrimental to one's mental peace, especially when the advice comes from individuals who lack a deep understanding of the recipient's life.
The phrase "Don't take it personally" is often used to soften negative feedback, but it can be misapplied, leading to missed opportunities for growth.
Feedback should be considered in the context of one's own life history, aims, ambitions, traumas, and fears, rather than dismissed outright.
The author admits to initially dismissing constructive criticism from a mentor due to a lack of perceived value, but later realized the importance of the feedback after introspection and analysis.
The article advocates for a balanced approach to feedback, where one should neither accept all criticism nor reject it without consideration, but rather evaluate and apply it judiciously for personal and professional development.
The author concludes that channeling negative emotions and experiences into self-improvement is effective, as long as one focuses on feedback that truly matters.

A dangerous phrase for self-development

There are 7.8 billion of us in the universe (assuming that life doesn’t exist on other planets yet). We’re born at different times, to different families, in different geographies and follow different cultures and social norms. With dissimilarities as vast as these, our thoughts and opinions are bound to differ.

Now, in the current world, which has managed to connect large parts of this diverse population, imagine taking every opinion and advice into account. This can tear down all existing trails of mental peace. Most of these advisers don’t know us — our life history, aims, ambitions, traumas and fears. Hence, their opinion is nothing short of poor judgement and is based on their perception of life details that we choose to make public. In my opinion (ah, as if there weren’t enough of these already), this phrase came into the picture to help us stay unaffected by thoughts, negativity and judgement spawn at us by those who don’t matter.

However, we’ve increasingly started to use this phrase in incorrect contexts. We’ve extrapolated this to literally include everyone in our lives. Maybe because it’s convenient for both, the giver and the receiver. The person who’s giving negative feedback doesn’t want to seem rude and so will use this phrase at the end of their honest opinion. The person at the receiving end has two options — to retrospect and understand if this feedback does, in fact, make sense or the easier way out, to not take it personally, brush it off and move on.

It is hard to accept criticism and rejection. It’s akin to letting someone shoot down our best work or the best version of ourselves but it’s the only way to get out of our heads and see things objectively. For all personal and professional relationships, this phrase should be used with caution.

One of my most profound experiences in this context was with a mentor. I’d known him for only a couple of months when he gave me some pointers to improve on. On the face of it, I could see no value in them because I was already doing what he was asking for. Could he not see it? I told myself to not take it too personally and let it go. He didn’t know me enough.

However, it did affect me. I was furious for most of the day and couldn’t stop thinking about it. We arranged for a meeting and I asked for specific instances and examples. I then wrote it all down and analyzed.

This took me back to the basic traits I probably have since childhood. I tend to speak very little with people when I first meet them. It takes me a long time to get comfortable and freely voice myself.

I didn’t realise that I had carried this habit to work. I would speak only if absolutely necessary when I first met a stakeholder. I hadn’t thought much of it because I would listen intently and deliver the expected output. No one had any complaints but was this enough for me to make an impact professionally?

Next week, I struggled to put myself out there. Tried to voice out ideas that weren’t explicitly asked for. Questioned some things, ran some ideas by the team and I had suddenly transformed. My passive existence in first meetings had shifted to an existence that was active and fully involved.

This extended to my personal life too. With time, I quit being the shy girl who didn't speak much in unfamiliar settings. I was quick to say “no” instead of forcing myself to do things for the sake of being polite. First acquaintances started getting better and so did my confidence.

Some months later, the mentor said that he was amazed at how well I took his feedback. I told him that I had in fact not taken it positively at all. I made it extremely personal, was angry and wanted to disprove him. Eventually, I started to appreciate the transformation within myself and the resentment turned into respect.

“I guess this is one of the most effective ways to channelize negative emotions and experiences as long as you know which battles are worth your time” he said.

I now step back and look at the opinions thrown at me, segregate the ones that matter and rest go into the trash. It’s a great way to harness your self-development potential while also maintaining mental peace.