Humor
Don’t Play Accordion While Naked!
But if you must, consider these points
Each year, too many people are maimed while attempting to play the accordion while naked. Many others, though physically unharmed, carry psychic scars for the rest of their lives. This must stop. How to help these people? The obvious solution would be for them not to attempt to play the accordion while naked. Do you need to play the accordion naked? No. But, to quote King Lear, “Reason not the need!” I am an accordionist. If you want to remove your clothes and strap on a box, I am here to help. Follow these suggestions. Learn from my example. Play the accordion. Naked.
First, some obvious issues to deal with:
1. Boobs and penises: Apologies for going blue in the first item. The bellows squeeze in and out and in and out and in and out. Somethings going to get caught in there. At the Berkele School of music, they call these Gender Differentiated Isomorphic Humps. For those with boobs, the accordion should hang low. For those with penises, the accordion should ride high. Unless you are looking at especially attractive people, you should be fine.
2. Cold: Nipples are related to boobs, of course, but considering how common it is that people play accordion while naked in places like St. Paul, Minnesota, this phenomenon deserves a specific mention. Aside from hurting like a motherf*&^er, and compromising musical facility, sometimes the nipples harden so that they actually break off. Seriously, I knew a guy. Stay warm, people.
3. Bellows Rash: And yet, warmth allows opportunistic spores and molds to take up residence in the space between the accordion and your sweaty, sweaty chest. Sure, there are topical creams, ointments, and unguents designed to combat this exact problem, but why let it get that far. Keep a towel handy. Also, shave the chest hair.
Other problems, less obvious, but no less sinister or damaging.
4. Pernicious Stereotypes: Both accordion players and naked people are victims of vicious and ignorant stereotyping in our society. For example, accordion players are said to be bad at games like Cards Against Humanity, Scattegories, and Yahtzee. Naked people are said, for whatever reason, to be especially good in bed.
5. Jealousy: It happens more often than you would think. The naked banjo player, for example — or it could be a mandolinist — will be less attractive than you, suffer from lower self esteem, and have sexual partners way out of their league. You will be a threat to that naked banjo player (or mandolinist), and fisticuffs will break out. Get used to this. You are a naked accordion player, my friend. You look good.
6. Wacky Hijinks: On the TV or in the movies, accordions always seem to accompany “the shenanigans.” So predictable. It’s lazy writing. It undermines your authentic sense of purpose. Fun is one thing, but you didn’t come here to have fun. You came to play the accordion while naked. Accompanying “the hero” while they try to steal a coconut cream pie, foil Dwight’s paper clip scheme, or fall into a vat of dung is just a distraction. To discourage these frolicsome exploits when playing accordion naked, insist that the venue owner pay an extra fee should hilarity ensue.
7. Harsh Critique: There’s always that person who is not going to put up with this kind of thing. They will talk to the manager, boycott the establishment, give you a firm talking to, or, if the slugs really get in the garden, write a strongly worded letter.
8. Armed Gunman: Accordions? Polkas? Naked people? The weapons cache can’t be far behind.
Aside from a few other minor issues — e.g., public shame, feral pets — you should now be fine in your attempt to play the accordion while naked. I ask only that you treat the experience with the respect and solemnity it deserves. Many have been injured, or even died, so that you might have this opportunity. E Pluribus Squeeze-um.