NO FUCKING JOKE
‘Don’t Look Up’-Asteroid Larger Than Tallest Building is About to Pass
Prepare for the worse
A huge fucking asteroid, taller than the largest building on this planet, is about to pass Earth. And not just pass. It’s going to get close. Real close. So fucking close that scientists have suggested, if this was the first date, you’ll both be doing the wild thing before entrees have been served.
Brace yourself for impact. A fresh wind could blow this fucker off-course and decimate the planet. Nasa, in a parody of the hit movie, ‘Don’t Look Up’ has advised citizens to not look outside for fear of causing widespread panic. One gaze into the night sky would reveal how close this asteroid is to extinguish all life on the planet.
The asteroid, eerily named LIFE KILLER 7482 (1994 PC1), or LIFE KILLER for short, was not available for comment. It was, however, free for snuggles. The asteroid is named PC1 for its penchant for political correctness. It wants to destroy all life. A brave yet terrifying example of equality from the outer regions of space.
How big is LIFE KILLER? The tallest building on Earth, Burj Khalifa in Dubai, measures 564 feet shorter. This asteroid is 3280 feet in height! What’s even scarier, if the asteroid misses, it gets another shot in July. Don’t look up people! This asteroid is set to near-miss TONIGHT! These may well be the very last words you ever read!
How close is close? A death-defying 1,231,184 miles. In space terms, that’s closer than a French artillery officer standing next to a huge cannon who believes he’s Napolean moments before he’s blown apart. This is the nearest an asteroid has been to Earth since January 17, 1933. Remember that one? No one does because it was an extinction event! The land of Champa was wiped off the face of the planet as it blistered in the aftermath of the asteroid. That’s how devastating this asteroid will be.
“Nancy Chabot, the chief planetary scientist at Johns Hopkins University’s Applied Physics Laboratory, shared that Earth could be in danger if one of nearly 25,000 asteroids close to our planet that measure at 500 feet in size crash into our world. “We’re actually not talking, like, global extinction event, but regional devastation on the area that could wipe out a city or even a small state,” she said previously. “And so it is a real concern. It is a real threat.”” Source Yahoo Life
Prepare yourself. Kiss your loved ones. Tell those close to you how much you love them. Be kind to strangers except for Mrs. Nixon in #26 because she’s a real asshat who never stops demanding her money back simply because she never orgasmed and I pummelled her ass for like four fucking hours straight and she moaned…oh, she fucking moaned all right but was she satisfied? Cheap bitch. Yeah…avoid Mrs. Nixon, she’s nasty. BUT THE FUCKING ASTEROID IS GOING TO KILL US ALL!
Not all of us…just Florida. Florida is fucked. Seek urgent help Florida. Get out now. That asteroid is about to ruin your day. Ruin your life. Annihilate your very existence. It’s not too late to run to a blue state that has sensible laws and won’t shoot Black people running towards them.
This is your final warning.
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And if that’s not to your liking, then you can either fuck off or simply subscribe in the knowledge that you are in the company of an inscrutable swine who doesn’t give any fucks.