Don’t Let Your Inner Guardian Rule You

Three steps to let it know you are in charge

Growing up, I frequently heard,

“You can’t ___ (fill in the blank).”

It came from my parents and grandparents — it came from my teachers.

“You can’t play the piano AND the violin.”

— my piano teacher

(NOTE: I still play the piano AND the violin, have given piano lessons, and still play violin in a local orchestra and solo opportunities in my community.)

“You can’t pass this course (geometry) unless you get at least a “C” on your final, and I doubt you’ll do that because you haven’t passed a test yet.”

— my geometry teacher freshman year of high school

(NOTE: I passed the final with a “B”.)

“You can’t be involved in theatrical productions in college unless you are a theater major.”

— my mother

(NOTE: I was in several shows before I changed my major to communications education with an emphasis in theater education.)

In those days, telling me that I couldn’t do something was a challenge and I was out to prove everyone wrong.

At this point in adulthood, I’m not worried about who will “let me do something.” I don’t have to ask my parents if I can go somewhere or do something. I don’t have a boss I need to consult (principal when I was teaching) if I can try something in my classroom or go to a specific convention.

What I do think about is “who is going to stop me.” The only people I check with are my husband and myself. Usually, my husband is very supportive. In fact, I can’t recall a time when he has said “you can’t do that.” He likes it when I challenge myself.

As I’ve grown older (and wiser?) though, I find the voices that are trying to stop me from doing something come from within. “Myself” is a vicious critic and guardian who occasionally decides to tell me that I can’t do something.

It tells me “You can’t go ziplining. It’s too dangerous.”

(NOTE: It is on my bucket list.)

It tells me “You can’t play violin for a nursing home or at the First Friday event in Columbia. You aren’t that good.”

(NOTE: Last month while playing at the nursing home, one of the ladies thanked me for sharing my talent.)

It tells me “No one wants to read what you have to say.”

(NOTE: I have had a few things published, and I feel compelled to write daily — although that is not always possible.)

Last fall at a writer conference, I listened to Marsha Shandur talk about her “dork goblin” — that vicious inner critic that, for her, came out when she was going to meet someone important and made her act like someone totally not herself.

She had a great exercise for us to use — “talk to our ‘dork goblin’ — visualize our ‘dork goblin’ — and tell it that you have got this under control.”

I have more of an “inner guardian” than a “dork goblin.”

Many times, that inner guardian strives to “protect” me. It even screams at me:

It’s dangerous.

You don’t have time.

You don’t have the skills.

You’ll never be able to do that.

Why would you want to try that?

I have had to, out of necessity and then passion, work to silence my inner guardian, but just when I feel I have locked her up and thrown away the key, she appears in my soul like Houdini making a daring escape. She is filled with “you can’t” and “you shouldn’t” statements.

Over my years of adulthood, I have, unknowingly, used Marsha Shandur’s concept on my inner guardian.

You can’t pull the camper up to the service center to get de-winterized. You don’t have the driving skills.

(I didn’t have a choice. We had camping reservations and hubby wasn’t going to be home until the night before we took off. Ok. I think it took almost an hour to hook up the camper and then I only drove 40 mph, but I got the camper to the service center for de-winterization. And YES, the whole time I kept saying “I can do this.”)

You can’t drive to downtown Chicago and go to a writers’ convention where you know nobody.

(Deep breath. The drive to Chicago I had done before, but to attend a convention by myself was definitely beyond my comfort zone. Good news? I survived and met several interesting people.)

You can’t move out of Rockford where you lived for 57 plus years.

(We found a house in Middle Tennessee and packed up for the move within a month. The moving van came exactly one month from the date we got home from house hunting, but I had to make several trips back, rent a trailer, and pack more up. There were several things the movers said that they wouldn’t take even though the guy who came to estimate the move said they were ok to leave as is.)

You can’t hike back to see different waterfalls in the Smoky Mountains. It’s too dangerous to hike alone.

(I talked to the park ranger about hiking specific trails alone. The trails I was going to venture on were quite well traveled, and although I was “hiking alone” I wouldn’t be alone.)

You can’t play for First Fridays on the Square or for the residents of the assisted living facility.

(I inhaled deeply and told my inner guardian that it was ok. I’d play once, just once. But the lady who told me that she was grateful that I came to share my talent with them has me looking forward to going each month.)

WHO IS GOING TO STOP YOU?

What is it you want to learn? What is it you want to try?

Playing an instrument? Riding a horse? Learning to canoe or kayak? Learning to ski? Paint the living room? Try a new recipe? Travel?

Is your inner guardian’s voice stopping you?

Does it say things like: You’re too old to learn to play an instrument. You could get hurt riding a horse. You don’t know how to swim; therefore, you can’t learn to canoe or kayak. What if your paint job looks like crap? What if the dish doesn’t turn out or no one likes it? What if you get lost?

Do any of these sound like your inner guardian?

HOW TO SILENCE THE GUARDIAN

Although it is not easy, it is very rewarding when you learn to tell your inner guardian that you understand the dangers and the risks, but that you want to try.

How can you go about silencing that inner guardian?

1. Recognize that you actually have an inner guardian. That inner guardian is only standing in your way for your benefit. It doesn’t want you to get hurt, humiliated, or rejected.

2. Learn to recognize when your inner guardian surfaces. Does it surface when you want to try something that could be dangerous? Does it surface when you want to try something that you weren’t really successful at once before? Does it surface when you know actual people who you feel are better at something than you are?

3. Work to tell your inner guardian that you’ve got this. Sometimes it may be a long talk that you have to have with your inner guardian, other times you may be able to silence her with “I got this.”

Have you met your inner critic? Your inner guardian? Have you allowed it to stifle your creative spirit? Your adventurous spirit?

Have you learned to silence your inner critic / guardian? If so, tell me about how you have gone about this.

Rebecca (Becky) spent 34 years in a teaching career, but when she retired in 2014, she picked up her pen and pursued her passion to write. As a high school English teacher, Becky held the philosophy that she wouldn’t give any writing assignment that she personally wouldn’t or couldn’t do. That philosophy strengthened and broadened her own writing.

In addition to publishing her writing on various platforms, Becky also blogs at Life is for Living, a blog to encourage, motivate, and help others live the best life possible. As an extension of Life is for Living, she also publishes a weekly newsletter, Let’s Chat. (Check it out HERE.) Life is for Living also has a social media presence with the group Coffee on my Porch. (Check it out HERE.)

After teaching writing for 34 years, Becky began Ink & Keyboard, a blog for writers at all levels. She supplements what she writes on the blog with a subscription newsletter, The Writer’s Notebook (Check it out HERE.) and the social media group Ink & Keyboard (Check it out HERE.)