Don’t Let Others Decide Your Direction
The case for self-help and reflection, despite the intentions and support of your inner circle
Many people, even your loved ones, won’t offer the best advice when you need it most. They might mean well, and well-meaning isn’t often the best solution to your dilemma despite this.
Their advice is often meant to protect you. True, it might come from a loving place, but what’s worth gaining without the pain? Losing time and money could be costly, with additional setbacks. What are the consequences of not moving forward and staying in the same spot?
What others might think of the safety and security of solid ground may not be for you. That’s one of the greatest issues and lessons I take from another person’s advice, including confidants.
“I wouldn’t do that.”
“You need to do this.”
“That sounds risky.”
Statements we have all heard. Are they speaking from your vantage point or theirs? In essence, what they might be saying is what would work best for them in a similar situation, rather than you and yours. Have they, or do they understand your thought process? Your dreams?
These are honest questions. With more probing, you might discover their true intentions. The ones closest to you may be protective. Fair enough. But here’s the shocker: others won’t.
And these others could be disappointing. If so, don’t be demoralized or call them out. If you feel the relationship is healthy enough, why not speak about it and share your feelings?
As much as it hurts, try not to take it personally. This could cause resentment and other negative feelings that will only get in the way of moving forward.
When I was having a rough go of it in one of my jobs, I knew I had to leave. Among other things, it was a toxic environment. A narcissistic boss and owner had created a pressure-filled atmosphere. A one-way street that encouraged loyalty and devotion to him, his ego, and his bottom line.
He also enjoyed the competitive nature and everyone walking on eggshells. The fear, reliance, and admiration strengthened his king-of-the-mountain mentality. His cavalier persona.
My father urged me to fight through it and not to resign. Why? He was afraid I wouldn’t find another position. He also came from the generation of sticking things out and not job-hopping. In his day, multiple positions on a resume were a red flag.
In my father’s day, job movement gave the impression of instability rather than experience. It also showed a me-first attitude rather than a company-first attitude.
What my father failed to realize, the business world was changing. What worked in his tenure had become outdated. The company man had already left the building, headed for the heap.
In my father’s career, the CM was the thing, and many from his generation prospered from it. Handsome salaries, benefits, and pensions. By the 1990s, all of this had evolved. Corporate takeovers, mergers, and cooking the books had raided and covered up the looting of pension funds.
The entire middle class and their economy had begun to shrink and collapse. Replaced by wealth gaps and a higher cost of living. All of this, as many American workers were kicked to the curb. Many found their pensions and job security up in smoke and gone with the wind.
My father’s intentions were honest and loving. It was the playbook and ground rules that have changed. The worst thing I could have done, I did. I tried sticking it out and only grew more miserable.
Despite all the backstabbing, gaslighting, and scapegoating, the silver lining was, it made me think deeper. To survive and tolerate this hellhole while I planned my next move.
Once I decided to start my business, my outlook changed. I no longer cared about this dead-end job (despite my boss’s claim it was a golden opportunity) and used it as a springboard. Since it was a similar business, I built up my network, credentials, and customer base. Things and people I would need.
Instead of switching this job for another, I took the time to plan my next move and map out my business plan. Knowing that I was leaving, I continued to use this job as a training and learning ground. In the few months that I stayed, I learned to tolerate it until I escaped for good.
The goal of owning and operating my business evolved into great therapy and drive. Each workday completed meant one day closer to my goal.
I eventually quit and opened up my business. I haven’t spoken with my ex-boss since the day I walked out. Funny thing was, he wasn’t around. He made it a point not to say goodbye, or wish me well.
Others in your social orbit might seem responsible and content. Not only with themselves, but with your station in life. I learned the hard way. Having narcissistic friends who gaslighted me. They loved putting me down and keeping me down.
Anytime I suffered an unsuccessful moment or, in my case, a stretch of them, I’d find myself in another funk. Unable to process and learn. The ‘advice’ I was hearing wasn’t constructive at all. Designed to keep me in place.
I also noticed that none of these guys cared for my other friends. They knew about these people but viewed them as outsiders and competition for my time.
While experiencing these red flags and stagnant behavior patterns, I began my self-help journey.
Remain grateful for these episodes. Learning through experience and trial-by-error are great teachers. Continue to seek outside perspectives as well. The people in our lives who prove consistency are always available to lean on and offer advice.
Such souls are the salt of the earth. It’s never imposing on their time and energy when they could help. It gives them great joy since they’re in your corner and want to see you improve. It also empowers them, knowing they didn’t lead you astray. Something that would disappoint them.
In today’s world, there are plenty of channels. Books, articles, and podcasts. Remember to take the time and steps to make your decisions. To weigh the consequences, positive, negative, and indifferent.
Remove the pressure by removing the wrong voices. Never allow someone else’s agenda or a false sense of urgency to force a hasty solution.
