Don’t Let Anyone Tell You How To Live Your Life
When words hurt, walk away
I grew up with an alcoholic family member. I’ve made no secret of how that has affected me and that to protect my family, I’ve maintained my distance from that person.
Some time ago, I got into what I will call an argument with a personality here on Medium about how wrong I was for cutting my addicted sibling out of my life. This person believed that my distance from my brother might have made his addiction worse. In their opinion, I should have set aside my needs and those of my family, in order to help him in the hope that he might get better. This person didn’t know the details of my situation, but, as an “expert,” insinuated that I was in the wrong.
They felt that he was the victim of his disease and blamed me for not being supportive.
Anyone who grew up with an addicted family member knows the pain of invisibility. Especially when someone else in the family enables the addict, we know what it’s like to be told that we’re too sensitive and that our wounds will heal. We know what it’s like not to be heard.
I won’t go into details about my experiences because they don’t matter now and they are really no one else’s business. What does matter is that my brother’s behavior threatened my children. That’s a line I won’t let anyone cross.
Be assured that I agonized over the whole situation. I didn’t just cut him off without a good reason. In fact, I’ve had years of good reasons. What it boiled down to was that I didn’t want my kids experiencing what I did growing up. I wanted them to know their importance to me and that I’d do anything to protect them.
The decision remains a painful one. He is my brother, after all, and I have compassion and love for him. I sincerely wish him the best and hope he overcomes his illness. But, I have enough self-respect to stop him from negatively affecting my family’s welfare any further.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t think about him, or that I don’t wish things could be different. I’ve had a few friends in the same circumstances and we all agree that it’s a situation we’d rather not be in. Even though I know I made the right decision, it will never, ever, feel good.
The argument I had over this put me right back to where I was growing up, being unheard all over again. I’m ashamed to say that I felt anguished and belittled once more. It was like being punched in the gut over something I’d worked hard to make peace with, and it derailed my thoughts for a time.
Well-meaning people can have this effect on me as well. There are a lot of people who believe that family is family no matter what, and continue to ask about my brother and why I don’t speak with him regularly. They don’t know what my life is like, or what I experienced with him, but their beliefs dictate that I must be wrong.
In these cases, I try to change the subject because I understand that any justification I have for my behavior will not be accepted.
People have their own set of values or rules to live by based on their own experiences. But, it’s unfair of them to try and tell others that they should live according to the same values. Especially when doing so might put them in danger.
It’s taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to learn to live my life according to my own rules. Now, if someone wants to give me their opinion and I don’t like it, I simply walk away. Not always courageously, but I manage.
The biggest thing I’ve learned through all of this is that no matter how much you think you know someone, you can’t possibly know what’s really going on inside their head. You can never know their real emotions or what’s really going on in their lives. So unless they ask for it, I’ve tried to keep my opinions to myself. I try to make an honest effort to watch my words.
Some people rush to judgement. I’m trying hard not to be one of them, but I’m still learning.