Life is full of lessons

Don’t Go Out On Dates With People Who Can’t Even Afford Themselves

Why waste your time?

I am a lucky woman in that I have been happily married for decades. I do not need to date. Talking with my nieces about finding a mate makes me remember when I learned a hard lesson from life.

One of my nieces was visiting, drinking wine, and sharing dating stories with me. We talked about how some men don’t want to spend money on women.

Yes, I know it is a can of beetle dung to discuss who should pay for a date, but in this niece’s mind, the distinction is clear. Whoever asked the other person out should pay. The person who initiates the dating activity should be willing and able to cover the cost.

At the beginning of a relationship, if she asks a person on a date, she will pay. If someone asks her, then that person would pay. She is clear-cut about this. But once the relationship is established, the rules can flex as needed.

I told her a story about when it took me three dates to figure out the person who liked me could not afford me.

A young man asked me if I would like to go on a date. I was 20; he was 25. He said we would go out to the park for a picnic. I said that it should be fun. He called me at the last minute and told me a long story about the sandwiches getting wet. I offered to make replacement sandwiches to bring to our outing. He said he would bring the rest of the items.

I made a few bologna and salami sandwiches and brought them to the picnic. The rest he provided was two pops and a small bag of chips with a heart-shaped balloon. There were no pickles. No deviled eggs. No sweets. No snacks. No salad of any sort. I was not pleased but said nothing more as I had a delightful time sitting in the park talking and people-watching. He made me laugh.

Next, he suggested we go to the zoo. I accepted. The zoo was charming, except we were there on Free Family Day, so there were many, many children around. I did not see other childless adults at the zoo that day — they were missing.

At the concession stands, I brought my food, and he brought his. Still, I had an enjoyable enough time to accept another date from him. This time, I asked where we were going for our date. He said a well-known restaurant’s name.

On the day of the date, he called to ask if he could just come to my house, and I cook him dinner, and we watch TV.

“Wait a minute,” I told him. “We are not at the ‘come to my house, and I will cook you dinner’ stage of this thing.” He asked about the difference between eating out and eating at my house.

“You don’t know the difference between going out for a meal and coming to my house to eat my food?” I said.

At his point, he launched into the “You need to show me you are not after my money” soap box. I can’t tell you exactly what he said, but it was silly. He asked me on a date.

I’m thinking: “What money? Was it the two sodas and a bag of chips> with the benefit of the doubt, you spent two dollars on that date? Or was it the free zoo date where I purchased all my food? That one cost you gas money for yourself as I took the bus over and had a nearby friend pick me up once we were done.”

I let him finish before I responded. After a pause, I said, “Dates are where you decide if you want to see more of a person. Dates can be free, but at some point, we need to sit down, eat delicious food neither of us has to prepare, and see if we have more than superficial things in common. I enjoyed your company on the dates, but we have not gotten to know each other better.”

At that point, he said, “All right, I will take you out.”

I chuckled and told him, “No, you won’t. We are not a match.” And hung up the phone.

My niece snorted and said that she would have stopped at two suspect free dates. She chided me, “These days, if we only want a one-night hook-up, we go online, and everyone knows what they are going to do. It seems that, in your day, dating was harder. I don’t know how you ever had time for the occasional one-night stand.”

I snickered and said, “Oh, but we did, honey. Our motto was that if there was a will, there was a way. There were plenty of one-night hook-ups.

The key to dating is to be flexible and open-hearted. There is no way to determine what a person’s future will be. Instead, look for someone who matches your values. It sounds old-fashioned, but it works. Picking your forever love based on looks will not work in the long run. I find the online dating ritual confusing. I would not like to be dating now.”

My niece laughed and said, “Ok, Boomer.” Ok, Boomer is a joke between us because she is always asking my advice but only takes my advice 40% of the time.

We both giggled as I opened another bottle of wine. The young people always make me think about my past decisions.

“Life is short,” I said. “You do you until you find someone willing to do you as you would do them.” She nodded her head.

I like my wise old auntie persona. I’m going to keep her.

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