Don’t Give Up the Good Just Because Love Doesn’t Work Out
Don’t let negative developments poison and negate all the positive that once existed
During my reading this morning, something in a post caught my attention.
“Sometimes true love diverges. Letting go and moving on doesn’t mean that the love wasn’t real.”
— From Sometimes True Love Isn’t Meant to Be by D.J. Jeffries
This statement hit me, as I have recently gotten out of a long term relationship. We were together for over six years, though it was long distance. We’d known each other for over ten years before that. We spoke everyday for hours and saw each other every other month or so. Though he wasn’t my one true love, I did love him and he got me through some of the toughest times I have ever had. I will always be thankful for that.
At the same time, like anyone he wasn’t perfect and I know that I disregarded a lot of warning signs along the way. Because of that, I had expectations that he would fulfill the promises that he had made. When he decided to simply walk away one day without telling me why or what had happened, I did what I always do. I tried to fix it. I kept trying to get him to tell me what had happened so I could change it but he simply wouldn’t.
He continued to make promises about things I never asked him for but still expected that he’d fulfill once he said he would. This happened even after countless times he just didn’t follow through. I was raised by a father who fulfilled whatever promises he made and if he wasn’t certain he could do so he simply wouldn’t promise. It’s a very vulnerable place to be when someone you count on continuously disappoints you.
Over time this man cut contact more and more until there was none at all. Because of the lack of closure I was never able to fully let go or move on. I became angry and resentful. This colored everything, all the memories of how secure I felt when he was in my life, how much he helped me when I was going through hell, how I felt that if the worst ever happened I could rely on him.
I recognize not that regardless of whether or not these things impressions were fully accurate, throwing them out will not serve any purpose. They will also color all the memories I have of him along with the important role he had in my life before we ever began going out.
Similarly, blaming myself because I should have known better, which is true, and putting myself down also won’t serve any purpose. I need to be able to let go of the expectations that would go with him being a part of my life when he simply isn’t any more. Sometimes it’s better to remember the positive even if the positive isn’t fully accurate than to let what has gone wrong in a relationship color over everything that was right and served an important function in your life, gave your life meaning in some way.
Just because something changes doesn’t mean it was never there to begin with. When we let our present day views color our past we can negate, at least in our minds, important relationships that were so meaningful for us even if we have moved on. Negating entire relationships and how important people were in our lives because things didn’t work out as we’d hoped or even because they began acting badly, will begin to make us immune to relating to others. There’s a lot of work that goes into being able to let someone go and move on without any relationship to them, especially when we’re are used to remaining connected to people, even when relationships have gone south.
The beauty of memories is we can choose to remember others any way we want to. We can hold on to all the negative ones, the disappointment, the pain, the unrealized expectations. Or we can hold on to all things we once saw in the person, the potential, the feelings of hope, love, warmth, security and validation the gave us. At the end of the day, it all comes down to a matter of choice and selective focus.
Thank you to D.J. Jeffries for the inspiration for this post.
Natalie C. Frank, has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. Her area of specialization is Pediatric Psychology and Behavioral Medicine.
