Don’t Get Me Wrong, I’m Grateful. But…

Can we balance gratitude with reality and still come out on top?

Five and a half years ago, I slept on a queen-sized air mattress on the floor of an apartment bedroom.

Originally bought for camping, it was part of the limited amount of possessions we were able to take when I left my ex-husband, who had been verbally, mentally, and psychologically abusive to my children. Although I had significantly financially carried the household, once I was done with his behavior and it was obvious he would rather fight me for possessions and ‘stuff’ rather than be honorable, I simply left it.

I left our beloved little Christmas tree.

I left the house I’d mostly paid for.

We had what we had. The kids had furniture. I made sure they had their stuff, all of it.

But I had an air mattress, and for that I was grateful.

In fact, gratitude filled that little apartment, along with laughter, warmth, and the freedom for each of us to be ourselves without fear of retaliation.

Alongside the gratitude, there was also anxiety, fear, and concern over how I would once again rebuild a life for us. Disappointment in myself for getting us in this situation once again. Frustration that the kids’ lives had been uprooted once again.

I had to force myself sometimes to drag gratitude out of a corner and place it center, to remind myself of what we did have and how much better off we were to be away from a negative situation.

I often had to remind myself to be grateful, which led to me wondering many times over the years…

Is forced gratitude really gratitude at all?

Reminders, exercises, and scheduled times for gratitude

More than once in my adult life, I have turned to the use of gratitude journals, apps, and other tools that exist for the sole purpose of making me focus on gratitude.

Are you really grateful for something if it took a prompt in a journal to make you realize it?

I think so. I don’t know about you, but my life is impossibly full. Lots of obligations, lots of moving parts, lots to take up brain space during the day, and if you’re constantly like a hamster on a wheel, it is certainly easy to lose sight of what you do have.

Like a child on their birthday, when they receive an awesome gift, they are so enamored with the gift and getting it out of the box and playing with it that they forget to say “thank you.” A gentle reminder from parents usually makes it happen, but their very response, their eagerness to play with the item, isn’t that the very demonstration of ebullient gratitude?

Sometimes I’m so excited about a venture or an opportunity that I jump right in and ride the wave. A lot of times it includes lots of hard work for me, so in the midst of experiencing success, I’m in the thick of working for it to maintain, improve, and grow.

I’m not ungrateful- I’m so grateful I can’t stop building it! And the building of it is hard work that is sometimes wearying, exhausting, and frustrating.

That still doesn’t mean I’m not grateful — in fact, it means I’m so grateful I’m hanging on to the opportunity and working my butt off to make it grow. Inside that gratitude can be annoyance and exasperation.

Everything isn’t so simple.

Gratitude can coexist with frustration, and yes, envy.

Comparison vs. reality

I have long been susceptible to the sneaky infiltration of thoughts rooted in envious comparison.

I see how other people live, and how easily things seem to come to them: the inherited house that they complain about having to paint, the inherited money they complain about having to figure out how to invest or save, the inherited beautiful antique furniture or mid-century dishes that they donate, sell, or — sigh — throw away because they just don’t want it.

I suppose it’s the entitlement I resent. I know people who have inherited stuff, stuff that could be life-changing for many of us (especially property), who have been immensely grateful. While there’s a twinge of jealousy there, it’s not nearly as pronounced as when the inheritance or gift is met with annoyance and a seemingly pronounced level of ingratitude.

That truly makes me cranky.

As someone who won’t inherit a dime or a thing, like many others, I’ve had to build, and rebuild, and rebuild once again, every aspect of the life I have now.

As I’ve said before, I will never retire. I will never be able to stop working and earning to survive.

And yet, and yet, and yet, my blessings have been great. Innumerable, actually.

Five years ago I slept on an air mattress. Today I sleep on a king-sized bed with a seasonal red velvet duvet, veritably in the lap of luxury.

We have a fridge and pantry fully stocked. We’re about to have a large bounty at Thanksgiving. Our bills are all paid. We are very comfortable, especially compared to many families in America right now.

Gratitude flows easily today. Mmm, most of the time.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to temper my tendency to compare my life with the lives of others and recognize that they, too, have had hardships and hurdles to overcome. Everyone does.

When I focus less on what others seem to have ‘given’ to them, or dropped in their lap, and I focus more on my life and what is within my realm of control, I find that gratitude does flow more naturally.

Gratitude, as I’m learning, goes hand in hand with introspection and spending more time reflecting on what lies within than the vast entirety of the world out there.

Gratitude is knowing I have what I need for this moment, this day, and the immediate work in front of me, and that is enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful, but…

But others have more money.

Yes, that’s true.

But others have more resources and connections.

That’s certainly a fact.

But others have help with their kids, a thriving village of support.

Absolutely, and god, good for them!

But… but. But. There could always be a ‘but.’

I’m grateful but I yearn for more.

I’m grateful but I’m bitter for what I never had. I’m grateful but I’m human.

I’m complex and I’m capable of feeling immense gratitude while also desiring more for my children and more for myself, and I believe that’s okay.

The desire to have more fuels our fire to work, to create, to grow, to build a family, a home, a career, a legacy.

Gratitude is tempered by desire, and when those needs and wants are met, our gratitude grows, for what we have achieved and accomplished grows.

Simply put, when our desire drives the work that achieves success, we then have more to be grateful for!

This isn’t limited to money or material stuff.

Because I deeply desired a close, loving relationship with my children into their adulthood and so I poured years and years of work into that relationship, now that I have a 19-year-old son with whom I enjoy a close, loving relationship, I am consumed with gratitude.

Because I deeply desired a healthy, loving marriage and so I poured years of work into addressing my own issues so I could be a more holistically healthy partner, now that I have a healthy, loving marriage, I am consumed with gratitude.

Sometimes our temporary dissatisfaction can push us to build something that will generate gratitude beyond our wildest dreams.

Generating gratitude while pushing for more

This time of year, we hear about gratitude constantly.

Thanksgiving is certainly a time most people take a moment to consider all that they have to be grateful for and share it with those around them.

If you’re struggling to find that gratitude this holiday season, don’t beat yourself up. This has been a difficult year after a series of difficult years, and many people are struggling to simply keep their heads above water.

Sometimes expressions of gratitude look like getting up every morning and working the job you don’t particularly like to continue building your future. You don’t have to like the job to be grateful for it.

Be gentle with yourself.

As with everything in our modern society, unplug if you need to. If the endless flood of reminders to be grateful and give thanks this year is a bit suffocating, check out for a few days.

In five days, the message will flip to an endless flood of advertisements of crap for you to buy, anyway.

In this moment, I am grateful beyond words for you, my readers.

For the people like Kyle Wells, an enormously talented writer himself, who reads almost every piece I write and leaves an uplifting comment. Like All My Little Words, also a tremendously talented writer, who welcomed me into Medium by publishing my very first work in her publication, Pink Hair & Pronouns, boosting it, and me, into a second career I’d always dreamt of but never thought possible. For the publications who publish my work, like Age of Empathy, Middle-Pause, PHAP, Bitchy, Illumination, and more, and the support I’ve gotten to launch my own publications, adoptēre and Served.

For Simply Sophia, another amazing author, whose messages and support behind the scenes have bolstered my shaky self-esteem enough to push into the realm of self-publishing, podcasts, and syndication.

For everyone who has struggled with gratitude, I see you. For everyone who wants to skip it altogether, I’ll see ya on Friday.

Sincerely, from the depths of all that I have, thank you.

Every single tip in my Ko-Fi tip jar for the next two weeks: today through Dec. 3, 2023, will go towards sending hope to my friend, a single mother working her tail off to support and provide holiday joy to her three children in this crushing economy. Read more here.

My name is Melissa Corrigan, and I’m a freelance writer/thought sharer/philosopher in coastal Virginia. I am a mom, a wife, a veteran, and so much more. I deeply enjoy sharing my thoughts and receiving feedback that sparks genuine, respectful conversation.

If you like my content, please consider subscribing… click here and follow along as I explore the themes of parenting, political ideologies, religious deconstruction, life as an adoptee, and LGBT allyship and family.