Don’t Follow Neurotypical Rules If They Conflict With Your Own Values

If it hurts you to follow the rule then it conflicts with your values

Work out your most important values

I started my writing journey after doing an online quiz about values. It sparked so many thoughts and considerations that I ended up writing about it and realising I had a voice and quite a lot to say. Since then I have embarked on children’s writing and I certainly have my neurodivergent brain to thank for that.

I have always had a strong sense of right and wrong and from a young age stood firm against the tiniest of injustices. Part of being neurodivergent has made it challenging for me to understand other people’s motivations.

I cannot understand why people lie or are mean to someone when they feel jealous of them. It hurts me more than it hurts the person on the receiving end of any time when I’ve been remotely mean.

On the jealousy front, I just don’t get it. I only compare my experiences, feelings and possessions to my younger self. I have no interest in what other people have whether it be ability or tangible belongings. I am very aware that for a lot of neurotypical people there is a huge motivation in bettering themselves in comparison to their peers and, while I see it, I never relate to it.

If it hurts you to follow the rule then it conflicts with your values

The reason, for all of the above, is my values.

We grow up with a set of rules from our parents, and then society, but these are different to values. Most, if not all, of the rules we have to live by are set by neurotypical minds. This often means they are not suited to our way of thinking and can lead to all kinds of challenges. But, we do them because we are law abiding citizens.

On that front, I don’t tend to distinguish between the law and societal rules; to me a rule is a rule. If it is expected of me then I do it, regardless of how much it hurts or exhausts me.

The good thing is, no matter how many times I am told about how to behave in relation to values, I will not budge. If a rule is not in line with my values then I am happy with the consequences of not doing it. I have not always had the confidence to act this way. After finally receiving a formal Autism diagnosis it has given me just the boost I needed to really stand up for what I believe is right in the way I behave.

Authenticity

To be authentic, genuine, real; to be true to myself

The driving force behind how I behave is authenticity. This is my number one value and I was surprised to learn that it isn’t even on the radar for some people.

I have spent my whole life masking my true self and suffering the consequences of this through ME/CFS in my 20s and regular bouts of Autistic burnout beyond that. However, the reason this exhausted me is because I was not willing to let go of my commitment to authenticity. In fact, every time I mask it is in a situation which is in conflict with my trueself. I choose to mask as opposed to changing my inner beliefs.

Know yourself

I knew from a young age that the person in my head was very different to how everyone else saw me. I was outwardly quiet, shy and a dreamer but inwardly I had so much to say. Ideas and stories were desperate to be released but with no real way of expressing them.

I was able to let some of this out as I got into my early teens and was fortunate enough to go to a school where I would say neurodivergence was more the norm. I didn’t know that then but I always felt that I had found my safe place and was accepted for being me in that environment.

Once I entered the world of work the mask had to come on again. You deal with a whole mix of neurotypes, ages, personalities at work and it is too risky to show your trueself in a constantly changing environment where you don’t know enough about the people around you to make that judgement.

I choose to mask as opposed to changing my inner beliefs

Motherhood brought clarity

Becoming a mum definitely unlocked something in me and this is possibly one of the reasons my ownly definable life goal as a child was to be a mum. I knew then that I could be my trueself with my children and not only that but nurture them to be free to do the same. It could even be my inner child, wanting to correct the challenges I faced as a child, with my own children and give them the freedom that I didn’t have.

My children are never an excuse for standing up for my values but they are a very good reason. If I wasn’t able to do it for myself and chose to suffer in silence, spending hours overthinking and feeling unwell, then I was going to have to as a mum. I have to protect my children and also look after myself as their main carer.

Freedom

To choose how I live and behave

That’s my second most important value, freedom.

It’s an interesting one to consider when you are neurodivergent, especially having gone undiagnosed for years. It may even be the reason this is so high up on my agenda, as I have suffered from not being free to live the way I want. It isn’t as simple as what you want when you are neurodivergent, it is to live the way you need and so many rules take away that freedom for us.

Persistence

To continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties

My final core value is persistence. I can now see the significance of this when I refect on my life up until now.

To anyone with a neurodiverse mind, this is par for the course. We have to persist to hold on to to our trueself. I have found that gripping on to this as a value has definitely helped focus the mind in my darkest days.

For me dark times came in my mid 20s, suffering from moderate CFS/ME. There were days when it seemed I would never be free from this debilitating illness but I refused to give in. I had to succomb to it to a certain extent, otherwise it just got worse, but I never let go of that tiny voice inside which wouldn’t believe this was my life for good.

It was the same voice which had to speak up when I struggled through two miscarriages and a baby’s rare genetic disorder which led to their termination. Nothing was going to stop me of my dream to become a mum, no matter how much it hurt.

Neurodivergent people do the impossible every day. We put our minds and bodies through unbelievable struggles just to keep ourselves off other people’s radar. I wonder if my values are just part of being neurodivergent and something I have in common with so many of you out there. Without these values, I don’t know what would have become of me. They have always given me a focus and strength to keep me moving forward no matter how dark the path ahead got.

The Rules

What I am coming to realise is that there are so many unspoken neurotypical rules that we are expected to follow in order to be an accepted member of society. What if these rules conflict with my own values? I have my own version of them which work much better for me.

Being polite is a good example. I find myself in many situations where my version of being polite is not adherred to so why should I follow the neurotypical version of being polite. I often find that just means being disingenuous.

One thing I have always found is if I am in a room with a person who has similar values I can make a deep connection with that person within minutes. These are the kind of social interactions I want to put my energy into not chit-chat with someone purely because they live two doors down. I actually happen to have a lovely neighbour who lives two doors down who I can have lovely chats with, particularly about our hanging baskets! It is not the deepest conversation but it is pleasant because she is pleasant. I don’t feel it is an effort but if I ever do then I will choose to avoid it in future.

Being sociable

It is never a blanket lack of being sociable for me and I am sure that is true for many other neurodivergents. I am just more choosy about who I interact with as even a brief interaction with the wrong person can shift my whole day leaving my mind in chaos. I am left analysing why it felt weird, and wondering what I will do when I see them next. Will I be stuck feeling this way on a regular basis all because I feel I ought to be polite?

I so often protect the person who has offended me so not to cause them offense. How ridiculous is that!

The same applies to social events. I enjoy being sociable with people who I am able to be sociable with. If I feel forced to attend a social event with a complete mix of people, some of whom I can connect with and some of whom I cannot, then it is not worth the risk for me, regardless of who has invited me.

Causing offense

Trying not to cause offense is another one of those rules which I struggle to stick to when I am so often offended myself. I believe that you treat people how you expect to be treated yourself. Surely it makes more sense to have an openness within a relationship that if you take offense by what someone says you can express that to them and move on. I so often protect the person who has offended me so not to cause them offense. How ridiculous is that!

I am naturally careful in how I speak to people and take into consideration their own situation and that is more than enough. Am I treated with the same kind of courtesy taking into consideration that I am neurodivergent? No, I am not.

No need for justification

Their discomfort is their choice and not your responsibility.

I am realising more and more that I should never have to use being Autistic as a reason for standing up for my values and nor should anyone. It never needs justifying and the fact that if I don’t I suffer mentally, physically and emotionally is still no reason to justify it. We all have a right, in the free world to not only choose our values but live by them, wholeheartedly.

I have been doing this secretly all my life but it feels incredibly empowering to stand up for them and speak out at every opportunity. I know there are many of you out there taking that choice every day to suffer to avoid someone else’s discomfort. Their discomfort is their choice and not your responsibility.

The best thing for me about learning I am neurodivergent and consquently receiving a diagnosis is that my core values, which I have fought so hard to maintain, work even better for me now. They are helping to bring back some balance within relationships and interactions with other people. Drop me a response if any of you out there have found the same!