Don’t Deny Your Emotions, Be Aware Of Your Actions!
Best Of Intentions Are Not Always Right, Instead, Respect And Understanding Should Prevail In Our Actions
At this moment, someone is dealing with some personal crusade, like me. I am not the only one feeling this way. The reasons are not the same and what is a struggle for you may not be for others. Its personal. We should not forget that.
Social distancing is part of my life for a long time. It has been some time since I had an intimate relationship and the last hug I had was months ago. Furthermore, I live in a country with no personal contact. No handshakes, hugs or kisses.
Truly, I needed a hug or to hear that I will be fine. I didn’t want to have a screen between me and my interlocutor. I wanted the real experience.
Hence, I reached for someone I trust and value enough who already knew what is happening with me and with whom I expected to meet.
I needed a friend to look me in the eyes while talking to me.
… I drove three hours to meet him. He stood me up.
The feeling of worthlessness, shame and loneliness took over me.
To calm me down, I messaged an old friend who lives across the world! Despite the physical distance, our friendship remains for over two decades.
It’s very embarrassing to express my weakness and stupidity. It’s even more difficult to say that I am depressed, feeling worthless, neglected and invisible.
I knew that I could not go home or I would harm myself. My spirit and emotional being was already hurt but the physical body was still intact.
The friend from the other side of the world answered me. Lots of voice messages were popping up reminding me that there are worse situations and so on. I knew that already and the shame and weakness sentiment just increased.
Also, she recommended me to get high on something or taking pills to calm down.
It pissed me off. I was looking for a reason to keep going not the other way around.
It was with the best of intentions. I understand.
The days went on in a zombie state. I had to go back home after a couple of days. I needed a bath, clean clothes and some rest. I was hiding from myself at the mountains.
I am thankful for arriving home as a whole. No traffics accident was caused by me.
I am at home since then… in a zombie state. Avoiding contact and still longing for contact.
The right contact.
Meanwhile, “friends “ looking for attention and support contacted me. They wanted help, not to give help. I did my part as no one deserve to feel what I feel.
Also, a guy who wants to fool around messaged me the whole week. This week I almost agreed on meeting him… it was tempting but something inside was screening “No”! It’s not fair for neither of us!
I won’t use someone as I have been used. Even if the other person simply want to use me as well.
It’s hard to have the best of intentions!
Sometimes you will harm someone.
Other times, you will be harm!
All with the best of intentions.
Driving with no destination for days, then a few more days just sleeping was with the best of intents! I was protecting my physical body. Although it feels awful to loose a whole week, it was necessary to make more weeks a reality.
I don’t know what will happen in the future, but right now I am in Peace. That’s what I most wanted these past days. It came out of nowhere.
Sometimes you need to allow yourself to crash and heal.
Do not deny your emotions but be aware of your actions!
Respect and show understanding for yourself as no other person is going through the same sentiment.
“Don’t hope that events will turn out the way you want, welcome events in whichever way they happen: this is the path to peace” - Epictetus
