Don’t Control Your Emotions, Negotiate With Them

The answer lies in — “ Asking Questions ”

A Universe resides inside a Human body.

Understanding the functioning of our mind, heart and the actions we perform takes more than just a degree.

Sat down to write a blog post. Suddenly, a massive urge of watching Netflix series struck my mind.

The Battle of choice took place inside me. Both ends were fighting vigorously.

Wasted an hour choosing between the two.

It Sucks.

Why can’t we sit down and perform a task without any interference? Is my will power too weak? Who is controlling me?

Luckily, I have the answer’s to it.

You are not one person

Contemporary psychologists now believe there is no such thing as the unified self. In other words, You are NOT one person.

You are composed of many different sub-personalities, each of which wants different things. And each sub-personality can come into conflict with other sub-personalities because their wants can clash.

This is what happens when you sit down, ready to write a blog post, but instead, feel the urge of watching Netflix.

When we say things “ Ahh! I knew it at the back of my mind”, we usually indicate to one of the many sub-personalities residing inside us.

The Thinking brain v/s The Feeling brain

We are inhabited by the thinking brain and the feeling brain.

Our thinking brain is the part, that can reason, make calculations, and plan for the future. It works on the logical aspect.

The feeling brain, on the other hand, represents your emotions, impulses, and intuitions.

That “ Butterfly feel in your stomach when you see someone you love”, is the work of the Feeling brain.

We like to imagine, it is the thinking brain, responsible for all our actions ranging from opening a pack of chips to going to sleep. But, we should not be mistaken.

We are driven by our emotions. We act and move in the world because we feel the need to.

When you get up to do something, it is because your guilt or excitement or boredom has motivated you to. If you didn’t have emotions, you wouldn’t do anything.

The thinking brain can suggest actions and influence the feeling brain, sometimes greatly. But make no mistake about who is in control. The feeling brain is fickle and behaves like a toddler.

Will Power doesn’t work

Thus, it is the feeling brain that holds the steering wheel. And the feeling brain only talks in emotions.

You cannot apply willpower to every task and hope for the thinking brain to come out on top. It won’t work. You need a better alternative. You need to appeal to the feeling brain in a language that it understands. You need to appeal to it with emotions.

Ask your feeling brain: ‘How do you feel about going to the gym today? ‘ or ‘How about getting down to work on your computer?’. The feeling brain will respond with emotions. Perhaps it may respond with a feeling of laziness or a feeling of anxiety. It doesn’t want to go to the gym right now.

It’s okay. Respect your emotions.

Emotions are fragile and handling them with force may crush them.

Instead of bombarding your feeling brain with facts and reason, ask how it’s feeling. If they give you a no-no vibes, try convincing them. Think about all the benefits of performing an activity. All the sexy, shiny things at the destination.

You need to bargain with your feeling brain like with a rug seller. It needs to believe it’s getting a good deal.

Don’t be a slave

Don’t push your logical aspect in the Feeling brain to get things done.

Similarly, don’t be a slave of your emotions and sit idle, do nothing.

Go for smaller goals.

Instead, ask yourself, “Can you do (x)? No? Could you do a part? How about 10 minutes or 5 minutes? How about you do this one small task and then you stop?”

If the answer is no, don’t become frustrated. Respect your feeling’s brain.

Compromise. Aim lower.

Then, rinse and repeat.

Remember, aiming lower won’t hamper your success.

Success isn’t about achieving big goals and making a ton of money. It is about CONSISTENCY.

Your takeaway

Small things add up. Do something tiny that drives progress. Then give yourself an appropriate reward. Don’t do more. Be happy. Congratulate yourself.

Respect what you feel. Going against it will affect your health and progress.

Negotiate with your emotions, don’t try to control it.

Acceptance is the first step towards change. Accept your feelings. Acknowledge it. Negotiate with it.

Thank you for reading! Have a nice day.

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