Don’t Ask Me To Be Your Friend
Why connecting on social media can be frustrating
Animals seem to instinctively know if other animals will be a friend or foe.
And once children are out of their “it’s all about me” phase they seem to make friends with ease and often without expectations.
But, adults, well adults have so many more issues surrounding friendships and all have become glaringly more obvious especially since this Pandemic.
Adults have experienced years of friendships that have come and gone and often have somewhat skewed perceptions about what friendships should be like.
As adults, most of our friendships likely have roots in common interests with others. We may make our friends through work, our neighborhood, our hobbies, and even through our places of worship.
Earlier perhaps we made most of our friendships through activities our children have taken part in or groups we joined.
But now, having so many venues shut down or reducing our ability to connect in person making new friends is less than easy.
Right now connecting in person has been next to impossible so many of us network online in the digital environment.
But I have a hard time whenever it comes to Social Media and requests to connect.
Don’t get me wrong. I love connecting with people.
What I don’t love is people who ask to friend me or connect with me and then immediately try to sell me their services or products.
I don’t like people who request a connection and immediately expect me to follow their page or join their group.
I find this constantly happening even on professional sites such as LinkedIn.
Someone will ask to connect and then once I do, immediately barrage me with a PR spiel about their business or a suggestion to take them up on complimentary website analysis, an offer to help me with my marketing, or even a push to suggest I join their group to help me get exposure.
Really? Do you really want to connect with me or my pocketbook?
I hardly call it a connection when you know little about me besides what you might have read in my profile.
One guy was so obviously full of himself, he never even read my profile, but after connecting immediately said he “helped people like me become entrepreneurs!”.
Are you serious? I wanted to scream, “If you looked at my profile, dude, you would realize I own my business, coaching entrepreneurs!”
I don’t like the superficial connection hoping to make a sale or worse, having me make the connections you need or want because I’m the middleman!
What happened with just wanting to connect and, like in real-life friendships, “see where it goes”?
I worry that business owners to get back to a bustling, thriving stage have forgotten how to make connections that will afford them long-term loyalty.
Our goals at connections should not be to reach out to as many people as possible in hopes someone will bite on what we offer.
In-person, we would have regarded that as sleazy and self-serving, and it should be nothing less on any Social Media site.
Sure, I always decide to connect or not and I am obviously becoming much more discerning about whether the connection seems to be one I really want to make, but that discernment has come after so many poor starts to what might have been a positive connection but started out so distasteful I had no desire to partake of it.
There are so many things wrong with connecting with anyone just to promote what you are selling.
While this past year has been challenging to most businesses, failing to remember why people want to buy from you has never been more critical.
I feel like we need a “Seller Beware” refresher course so that people who are offering a product or service can remember how to do so with diplomacy and a courteous and ethical spirit.
So, no, I don’t want you to connect with me or ask me to “friend” you if you don’t remember these FOUR PRINCIPLES:
- Connect to get to know me better, not to sell me more.
- Friendship is based on gaining trust and respect. (Hint 30 seconds after I connect is hardly enough time for you to have cemented that!)
- If I want something I will ask for it, so don’t assume you know what I need before I do.
- I want to get to know you and like you before I will ever want to give you my time or my money!
I am a business owner and I honestly would never expect someone to simply choose me as a coach before they have had time to learn what I am all about and to determine if I might even be the right person for them.
This means maybe they have checked out my website, signed up for a complimentary consultation, or some of the free resources on the site.
Maybe they have become a follower of my blog or voiced an opinion on my Facebook posts.
It might take months or years, if ever before they consider me someone they want to have as a coach.
That’s okay. Good things take time!
Yes, we have spent a year in a strange social environment and maybe we have all forgotten our manners with how we make friends.
But I can assure you I don’t want to connect with you so that you make me your next project or think I am your next paying customer any more than you want me to expect that of you.
Many of us have hundreds if not thousands of followers on various Social Media sites.
But let’s face it. We certainly don’t really know hundreds or thousands of our followers intimately.
Social media gives us a false sense of friendship and connection and because of that perhaps we have determined that friends, followers, and connections all are a bit more than what they truly are.
Friendship should result from good marination of common interests and a sense of time.
We have all heard of stories where people became fast friends after an initial meeting and I think I have my share of those stories as well, but I think those are less likely to occur, especially as we get older.
I am less accommodating, more aim, and definitely not as comfortable becoming “fast friends’ as I was in my college days.
Perhaps you are not either.
That’s okay too!
Maybe a decade or more ago, the number of your followers, friends, or connections was looked at as a status marker but now I wonder if people who have garnered a million Twitter followers or even thousands of Facebook friends or Instagram followers are quick to accept someone on a Social Media site they may never have ever wanted to connect with in person!
We all like the adulation of adoring fans and people who follow us, but these are not necessarily our loyal friends or even faithful supporters.
I am thrilled when I get a new follower on Medium or even on Pinterest, but I know following me hardly means you think I am your friend and is even less likely to imply you want what I have to sell.
That’s okay. It should be!
Our businesses might depend on whose attention we can capture, but let’s not be lulled into a false sense of mastery by ever thinking our numbers reflect our expertise.
I’d rather receive 20 positive reviews than 20, 000 meaningless fans when it comes to business.
As one of my dear friends says, “Some people will follow anyone!”
Can we ever really become good friends on Social Media?
I am certain of it. Dating sites have proved it so have many other groups offering digital connections.
I’d like to think some people I have never met have become better friends with me via our Social Connections. I know that has happened with at least a few connections.
We have learned about one another’s families, interests, opinions, and even work via our online connections, frequently leading us to realize we are more familiar with one another now than perhaps 3 or 5 years ago.
There’s that time issue in the equation again. Over time, we have learned about each other.
Perhaps we have learned who loves to cook, what books we like to read, who is a working parent, or whose child just got engaged.
None of this was learned because we sold each other a product, but because we interacted in such a way that we took the time to discover these bits and pieces of information.
Certainly, some of these Social Media connections have become “friends”.
Would I choose to meet those people in person? I have!
Some at conferences (when they actually were attended by real people in person!) and other events.
Some at book signings, Chamber of Commerce events, or even over a cup of coffee if one of us was in the same city as the other!
Social Media can offer some wonderful connections.
If I have connected with you via any of the media sites I am on, I am most likely quite happy to be connected and enjoy hearing from you.
But if you tried to sell me something, offered me a service I didn’t want, suggested I join your group, or told me you were impressed with my “story” before I ever told it, I probably chose not to connect.
AND… I will continue to do so.
I have reached a stage in my life where I value honesty and transparency more than I ever thought I would and if you don’t think I know you selected our connection because of what it could help you do for you; you don’t know me!
I don’t want to be your friend to help you sell your stuff.
I don’t want to be your friend to help me sell my stuff.
I want to connect because I want us to get to know one another better.
We may have some things in common, we may not.
You may not always agree with me, and we may support different platforms.
I may learn some things from you and you from me, or perhaps not.
But we will never know unless we connect in a way that gives us an opportunity to learn and discover about one another.
Thank you to those of you who have asked to connect and have commented, shared, re-posted, and given me the opportunity to understand what you like and what you don’t.
I am honored to connect with those of you who fill my life with different perspectives and genuine camaraderie.
And to those of you who believe our connection is only worth it if I eventually become your client, your customer, or your means to a more important connection, I only have one thing to say.
“Please don’t ask me to be your friend. I’m not what you are looking for!”
Kathy Brunner is serious about making connections the right way. Follow her here on Medium. She’s not trying to sell you anything!