Don Gorske Stuffed His Face with 30,000 McDonald’s Big Macs and Has Perfect Cholesterol
He has better cholesterol than me after I went whole-food plant-based for a year.
Do you want total cholesterol of less than 140? Here’s the secret:
- Keep a daily log of what you eat.
- Be consistent in your routine.
- Take limited cheat days.
- Eat 30,000 Big Macs from McDonald’s.
Of course, I’m talking about Guinness World Record holder Donald Gorske of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. Don is the original OG. He’s the…wait for it…mac daddy.
Styrofoam over forks over knives
We’ve all seen the documentary on Netflix, where the skinny healthy-looking guy walks into a doctor’s office to get his annual exam. The birds are chirping; the sun is shining. John Doe skips into the doctor’s office, saying, “Hello Jane,” to the nurse that greets him. “Hello John,” the pristine-white-uniform nurse Jane replies. “The doctor will see you now.”
The doctor gives John the bad news, “John, I have bad news for you.” John begins to look nervous. Sweat begins to form on his forehead. “John, we’ve gone over the tests. Despite you eating the Mediterranean diet, you are going to die next week unless you stop eating meat immediately.”
“But, doctor, I love meat,” retorts the now desperate John.
The doctor wheels over to his cabinet, which has nothing on it but a jar of tongue depressors. He pulls out a conveniently placed book. “John, I have just the thing you need.” The scene cuts to an 800-number and the narrator’s voice telling us how we all will live forever and ever and ever if we buy this book that tells us to eat only kale and carrots for the rest of our lives.
We cut back to John, weeks later and 100 pounds lighter (even though he looks the same). John is skipping double-dutch and singing baby shark. His youthful energy has returned. Thank you, kale. Another life saved!
Don Gorske says, “fuck you.”
Better for the environment
At least McDonald’s doesn’t serve their food in styrofoam containers anymore. Think about all the ozone holes we’ve saved!
Gorske, born in 1953 and still very much alive today, is the world record holder of eating Big Macs. He said he ate a Whopper once out of necessity and desperation but vowed NEVER to eat another Whopper EVER again. (Personally, this author likes the taste of cancerogenic flame-broiled beef.)
On May 17, 1972, Gorske bought his first car and his first Big Mac. Several — no! thousands more swing through of the drive-thrus, and he’s still going folks. In 2003, Gorske ate nearly 750 of the stacked burger patty specialties. In 2018, he passed the 30,000 mark, celebrating with a Big Mac hat and all.
What’s your secret Don?
He admits to a touch of OCD, which in this case equates to his superpower. He logs every time he eats a burger (yes, all 30,000+ times he’s done it), and he keeps every receipt. Since he started his daily binge of Big Macs, he has only missed eight days of the fast-food feast.
One of the days that Don missed was the day his mother died. She wasn’t too fond of his choice of dietary consumption. He skipped a day in her honor. Other days he missed include Thanksgiving and a Blizzard that kept the dedicated employees from opening the restaurant. Today, Don keeps his freezer full of spare Big Macs. Again, OCD to the rescue!
My God! That can’t be healthy?
Well, folks, he’s not dead yet. He’s the same height as this author and weighs much, much less. He also sports total cholesterol of 140, which is also less than this author’s cholesterol after eating a whole-food-plant-based diet for over a year. Yes, this author saw that same fucking documentary on Netflix.
Ellen DeGeneres is in shock! Hmmm, I feel that should be bolder. Ellen is in shock!!! Nah, still not bold enough. One moment, please.
ELLEN DeGENERES IS IN SHOCK!!!!!
Yes, Ellen DeGeneres (thank you, Google SEO) had Gorske sent for a cholesterol check and physical exam. Guess what happened? Yup. She was in shock. Gorske, at least according to appearance and biomarkers, is healthy.
On another interesting note, Gorske is also married to a nurse. This author doesn’t know if she partakes in the Big Mac daily extravaganza, but we all know that NOBODY can beat Gorske at his Big Mac game. He’s on fleek.
A takeaway to make you super productive and wildly popular and uber-rich
We certainly can’t validate that Big Macs will fill your body with preserves and cause you to live forever. But we CAN say you should enjoy your life and don’t give a fuck about whatever anyone else says. Maybe you, too, can wear the Big Mac hat someday.
Calling all writers (YES, THAT’S YOU!!!)
We’re trying to get 100 different versions of Sleeping Beauty. We’re looking for your unique spin on the story. It can be fiction, nonfiction, poetry, deaf jam, whatever. Look it up; it’s a thing. Make it horror or comedy; I don’t care. I just want you to write it. Please!!
Furthermore, the top three stories will get a Neil Gaiman book. Hopefully, I’ll get him to sign it. I’ll do all I can to get it signed without getting a restraining order. Or, I should say, another restraining order.
The top 100 stories will get put in a book. A big publisher might publish it, but probably not. It’ll probably be me putting it into a kindle book for free.
Before you go
I’d also love to connect with you. Consider following me on Twitter @LifeisPresence and joining my mailing list. I promise not to sell you anything; I’ll send you my books for free. It’s all love!
