DOJ v Penguin House: That Time Stephen King Took The Witness Stand

The defense had one day to get ready for its worst nightmare

Everyone knows better than to cross Stephen King

The man in glasses took the witness stand, and the prosecution for the United States government followed.

To be fair, so did anyone else who could get in the courtroom. They came here for this moment alone — to see Stephen King take the witness stand.

Note: this article is now available as a free video

Argument

Only diehard publishing people — there are literally dozens of us — care about the dailies from DOJ v. PRH (Publisher’s Weekly). Once upon a time, the biggest publishers were called Big Six. Then one ate another and they became the Big Five.

Now Penguin Random House is attempting to merge with Simon & Schuster. If they are successful, Big Five will become Big Four.

Business as usual for them…until the literal United States government sent their deal back covered in red ink. They not only refused to let the deal move forward unchallenged, they’d brought their biggest guns to finish the fight.

Like I said, only diehard publishing people care whether the Big Five turns into the Big Four. But Stephen King is about the most diehard publishing person there is.

And he came prepared to fight with the weapon he’s being sharpening since he first picked up a pen.

The moment all writers were waiting for

Stephen King knows about monsters better than anyone. He literally wrote the book on them — then wrote dozens and dozens more.

The prosecution called him to the stand not quite sure what they’d get. To some people, the bigger the monster, the bigger the scare. Who cares if it eats you next?

The DOJ wants to stop Penguin from eating Simon. If Penguin gets too big, they’ll eat the competition. They’ll grow too big to stop.

Unless someone does something.

With Stephen King novels, you never know what you’re going to get

Sometimes, Stephen King lets you get out alive.

Other times, he says the monster eats you whole.

Which one would Stephen King want to see happen with House of the Penguin put on trial for trying to consume S&S? Would it matter if the monster promised to eat him next?

As Stephen King took the witness stand, one journalist wrote “so help him god.”

Almost as though they could sense the slaughter about to begin. They should have known not to be afraid. Stephen King was never going to forget the face of his father — not when these books are his kind of babies.

My name is Stephen King, and I’m a freelance writer

I wish we had a picture of the judge. Apparently, they became as dead eyed as the next victim for Pennywise. I can’t blame them. Wouldn’t you? I mean…it’s Stephen King!

Plus, like, this wasn’t just a rare opportunity to see Stephen King on the witness stand. His books tend to wander aimlessly for hundreds of thousands of words before finally coming together for a big ending.

Yay aliens… Again…

This time was different.

When his testimony sliced through the scheduled break, the otherwise extremely punctual judge let things slide.

From the moment he started talking, Stephen King let them know he had a point.

The DOJ v PRH

Note: quote coverage reported by John Maher for Publisher’s Weekly

DOJvPRH Day 2: Government: “Did you come here on your own?”

DOJvPRH Day 2: Stephen King: “Yes.”

Govt: “Why?”

King: “I came because I think consolidation is bad for competition. That’s my understanding of the book business, and I’ve been around it for 50 years.”

King: “Some of the big boys are still around, because they’re part of other publishing groups, but a lot of the indies are gone.”

King: “When I started in this business, there were literally hundreds of imprints, and some of them were run by people with extremely idiosyncratic tastes, one might say. Those businesses were either subsumed, one by one, or they were run out of business.”

And with that, Stephen King’s day in court came to an end.

Delaying the inevitable

I wish the publishers had crossed Stephen King. It would have made for one heck of a finale. But was there ever a question who would win if they came at the Crimson King?

As for whether his testimony will help stop Penguin Random House from merging with Simon & Schuster…

Every good novel has a good ending. Every good ending feels surprising…but inevitable. The bad ones make us feel like we should have known better.

Karp also observed that S&S has changed ownership seven times in its history and he made the point that many in publishing are acknowledging: that even if the government blocks PRH’s acquisition, S&S will change hands again. Or as Karp put it regarding S&S’s next owner: “we know there will be an eighth.”

It’s yet to be seen what will make this ending inevitable.

But if Stephen King is to be believed, regardless of the ending, we almost certainly should have known better.

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