Does Your Partner Treat You Like Property?
When people project entitlement, it can make their partner feel more like property than an autonomous person.
Nearly all of us who have been in a marriage or long term relationship have had the feeling of being controlled at one point or another. Sometimes it is very direct, but more often it is indirect and/or passive-aggressive.
What Relationships are Supposed to Be
At a basic level, healthy relationships should create value for all of the people involved. There will certainly be ups and downs, but the value we receive in the form of happiness and companionship should exceed the amount of effort and resources that need to be invested.
There should be an continual, judgment-free dialogue of needs and desires between both people in the relationship.
With That Said …
Think about what happens when you first connect with someone special and feel that ‘New Relationship Energy’ (NRE) …
Excitement is High: Each new experience creates new sensations of positive energy. The kisses are passionate, the sex is hot, and the ‘feels’ are completely present.
Expectations are Low: You feel loved, wanted and valued simply for being yourself. The feeling of full acceptance engulfs you in feelings of warm comfort like soaking in a perfectly drawn bath.
Future Fantasies are Projected onto Flawed Humans: This is the aspect of new relationships that feel amazing, but create the seeds of future discontentment. It is extremely common to see the person in front of you who is (by definition) a flawed person and project your thoughts and fantasies of a beautiful future onto them.
All of us have fantasies of a beautiful future that we hold inside our minds and rarely share with other people. When we lack maturity, these fantasies will be projected onto that new person and set them up on a pedestal.
Similarly, when we are put up on a pedestal by another person (and lack emotional maturity) we will simply bask in the adoration. After all, it feels wonderful to be adored when everything we say or do is appreciated. This is what makes New Relationship Energy so addictive.
The ‘feels’ are absolutely amazing.
Unfortunately, this is also what sets the stage for controlling behavior by our partner.
Speaking for myself, I grew up with a steady flow of Disney fairy tales and weekly church services that consistently extolled the virtues of godly living and the danger of sinful vices. In hindsight, I understand how these experiences conditioned me to internally desire the feeling of being a hero to my special person.
Unfortunately, I did not understand that I was setting myself up for a fall from grace.
It is critical to understand that being set up on an adoration pedestal places us in the middle of an unattainable fantasy that will inevitably result in our being cast down from the perfect hero to the despised villain.
How Relationships Become Controlling
The turning point when relationships shift from New Relationship Energy from amazing ‘feels’ to perpetual unhappiness happens when you (inevitably) fall off that pedestal.
The reason for this is not because of anything that you did or didn’t do. It has to do with the fact that you are a flawed person. (And so am I) This means that when unrealistic fantasies are projected onto you, they eventually become expectations.
When those expectations are not manifested into reality, it is most likely that your partner will subconsciously blame you.
As your partner’s (unrealistic) expectations fail to manifest, they will frequently ‘settle’ for controlling the parts of life that they can … specifically, this means controlling you.
Of course, this rarely happens overtly. Typically, control over partners is exercised very covertly.
How We End Up Being Controlled
- Your partner blows up whenever you bring up a topic that touches one of their nerves.
- The end result is that you will start to ‘walk on eggshells’ and avoid topics of conversation that trigger a reaction.
- If your partner is especially immature and devious, they will blame you for ‘not telling them’ about your needs, even though they have not made any efforts at all to preserve emotional safety for you.
- Your partner projects out future plans based on their desires, without any regard for your wants and needs.
- Each time this is reiterated, they will become increasingly convinced that their fantasy future is what’s going to happen.
- Whenever a bump in the road is hit, they will project their anxiety out onto you instead of understanding that their expectations were unrealistic in the first place.
- Your partner acts ‘perfect’ in front of your friends, family or church congregation and expects the same from you.
- This is another manifestation of projecting a fantasy reality, and results in a disconnected feeling of self where there is a ‘fake’ self you are obligated to project outward and a ‘real’ self that you are expected to keep away from other people.
- Your partner is a perfectionist — There is a ‘right’ way and a ‘wrong’ way that things are expected to be done.
- What ends up happening is that it’s less effort to simply accommodate their anxieties than to go through endless circular arguments to try and hold boundaries.
Once you get married, the stakes increase one thousand-fold since exiting will result in a contested split of your community assets.
From a legal perspective, ‘community assets’ refers to all assets that were acquired after the beginning of the marriage.
Depending on your situation, this can result in a very significant financial hit if you decide that the relationship is not meeting your needs and it’s time to leave.
The impact is even more intense if a contested divorce is involved, since there will be a back & forth between attorneys that increases the time and cost involved.
Speaking for myself, this is a relatively minor consideration. I have learned to lessen my feelings of attachment to money, and I am confident that I can financially recover if necessary.
However …
Once you have children, the stakes increase one million-fold since there are now human lives at stake and your partner can use the kids to injure you.
This is the aspect of partner control that really stabs me in the gut.
I feel a TREMENDOUS amount of guilt over the possibility that my actions could bring harm to my children.
How You Get Treated Like Property
My frame for the turning point when partners get treated like property is when expectations of behavior our production are projected outward in a “You need to do X” type of narrative.
The way this manifests is that one set of expectations are projected out, and their partner accomodates because they want to be a good person.
What happens next is that the bar goes up, and more expectations are projected. At some point, you will be unable to meet these escalated expectations and relationship conflict will ensue.
No matter what I do, I can’t make them happy
This is how people who are being treated like property typically feel on a continual basis. They feel a continued need to wear a psychological ‘mask’ that projects the desires of their partner.
The result is that they end up becoming like their partner’s possession … a person who is beholden to act according to their expectations.
Prop.er.ty (n) — A thing belonging to someone: possessions
When you are unable to be your true self on a regular basis, this is a telltale sign that you are being treated like property by your partner. In many cases, this is not something they are consciously doing, but that doesn’t make it any less toxic or harmful.
How Women Get Treated Like Property
The way this phenomenon manifests most frequently with women is around sexual availability and household chores.
Sexuality is always a tricky subject, but there is never a time when any woman ‘owes’ sex to her partner.
(Caveat: If sexuality is absent from the relationship, there are almost certainly much bigger problems that need to be addressed, but it still stands that sex is not an obligation.)
Household chores are another item frequently explored by creators on platforms like YouTube and TikTok. The simple fact is that women will frequently pick up a disproportionately large share of the chores that are required in the household.
If this is voluntary, then it is not necessarily a problem. If it is the result of projected expectations on the part of her partner, then it’s a whole different ballgame. Nobody is ‘owed’ household labor from their partner.
NOTE: There needs to be an asterisk for household chores that are the result of projected anxiety vs. objective need. My wife spun herself around in circles for years trying to preserve a perfect household and got very upset about how unappreciated she felt. The truth is that she was salving her own anxieties and the only expectations being projected onto her were coming from herself.
How Men Get Treated Like Property
When it comes to the male experience, things look a little different.
The reason for this is because social expectations are built around men as the protector and provider for their family. Speaking for myself, I have always felt an extremely strong obligation to provide for my family and ensure that they are taken care of. This is a natural feeling that nearly all responsible men share. Our families depend on us to have a safe household and to provide for their needs.
The way things go off the rails is when a man’s duty to provide for his family is displaced by the expectation to deliver a lifestyle.
The way this typically manifests is a continual ratcheting-up of lifestyle expectations projected by his partner. Every time a bigger or nicer house is purchased, it is appreciated for a little while and eventually viewed as the ‘bare minimum’ for the family.
The same thing happens with cars, vacations and private schools for kids.
By the time you get to the breaking point, the man feels like he exists for the sole purpose of pumping money into maintaining a lifestyle that he doesn’t even enjoy, due to the extensive amount of time and effort he is expected to invest into maintaining it.
The way this manifested for me was in 2020 when I was ~20 years into my career. My wife was a full-time parent, both of our kids were in private catholic school and we lived in a 3,800 square foot house on 3 acres in Oregon wine country.
Then I was laid off from my job and her response was: “You had one job, and you’re not doing it.”
What To Do About It
Since every person’s situation is unique, the specific thing that you or any other person needs to do will be different.
However, there is one element that remains constant for everybody.
Make decisions for yourself, and do not project expectations that other people will change.
It is all to easy to fall into the trap of wanting other people to change, but this is a fool’s errand. There are certainly times when people change, but your happiness and wellbeing should not rest on this happening.
Take control of your own thoughts, and own actions. Figure out what your boundaries are, set them and act accordingly.
It may be that your relationship will not get to the point where it is fulfilling and both of you can get to a place where your needs are being met. If this is the case, it may be time to plan for an exit.
It may be that your partner will accommodate some of your feelings, and others will conflict with their boundaries. If this is the case, it will be time to make a decision about whether you are willing to invest more precious years of your life into this relationship.
If the answer to this question is that you are unwilling to continue investing your life force into this other person, then it is critical to be at peace with this reality and act accordingly.
Speaking for myself, this is an area where I have struggled. My marriage has been in rocky territory for a long time, but I feel tremendous guilt over the possibility of creating instability that disrupts the life of my kids. Each of us are responsible for creating our own happiness. This can be difficult when there are social expectations our your family and community, but that doesn’t change the fact we need to be our own advocate.
This is one of the places where I need to continue growing…
Final Thoughts
Nobody deserves to be treated like property.
Each of us have the right to set our own boundaries, and NOBODY has the right to tell you what you need to do.
If you are struggling with the feeling that you are being treated like property in your relationship, it’s time to find a counselor or therapist and start getting treatment.
(I should probably drop an affiliate link right about now, but I’m more concerned that you get help than trying to make a buck)
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